Will someone please read my short story?

Question

I just wrote this up in the last couple of hours and I really need someone to give me more ideas....make it better....give a twist ending to it...etc....so please read it and then let me know what to do next.....Thanks!!

The sky was black and full of clouds. The cold wind cut my face like a sharp knife. Everything was pitch-black. As I stalked in the darkness, I could hear the last few insects chirping and hissing above me. The moon slipped out of sight and left only a dim light. In this lonely area, everything was quiet and still, except for my figure that was lurking in the shadows. I was very nervous though, but not enough to let my brother steal my girlfriend.

As I stalked in the darkness, I could barely see where I was going, since the blackness was thick – so thick that it could almost be felt through my fingers. It was a mystical night; there was not one person or thing in sight, and I felt a sense of triumph creeping up my spine.

Now I was quite close to the house. There were no lights on, no noises, and no one in sight. I came up to the door, and cautiously – oh, so cautiously – felt the cold and hard knob. I ventured to turn it, and to my surprise, it gave way! Then I opened the door inch by inch, confident that there were no creaking noises. Finally, I stuck my head in and looked around with piercing eyes that resembled the fierce eyes of an eagle. There was no movement at all, so I opened the door wider and crept in further and further, knowing that the ‘sleepy head’ would not suspect my presence within his boundaries.

I stalked further across the cold concrete floor, stopping and listening intently after each step. I went up the stairs and headed toward the room. After about ten minutes, I was very close to his room. My heart was filled with rage, and my emotions bubbled up inside me like the bubbling of larva before it erupts from a volcano! Being within several steps to his room, I bent down almost on my hands as I crept close and closer.

Suddenly, my eye caught glimpse of a movement nearby. “What could it be?” I thought, my head already spinning with a thousand thoughts and questions. I stared harder and harder at the silent figure ascending from behind a table. The appearing figure was a cruel, fierce skeleton with grinning teeth and blue flames sparkling from the eye holes in its skull – it was the most horrible and scary sight I had ever seen in my life! I was stabbed with fright, and my heart was pounding furiously! This ghostly figure gazed directly at me and began to move closer and closer toward me. Its ugly bones and dreadful eyes almost scared me to death!

Panting with fear, I fled away and down the stairs, tripping and falling as I raced out the door! Then I hid behind a bush and watched the door. After a few seconds, the ghost also burst out from the door and ran past me where I was hiding, disappearing into the darkness. After a few minutes, I came out and ventured back into the house. I once again crept up the stairs and came to his room. Stealthily, I turned the knob and pushed the door open inch by inch. Then I slipped my head in and waited with a cunning grin on my face. The room was pitch-black, and I saw no movement at all.

Then I opened the door wider and crept in slowly – oh, so slowly. I knew he could neither hear nor see me as I moved closer and closer toward his bed. With every inch that I moved, I felt the adrenalin welling up inside me like the tingling of electricity. Now I was right at his bed, looking down at my helpless enemy.

All of a sudden, I heard a tiny noise from behind me. I quickly spun around in a panic fright! And there it was again! – the same horrible skeleton ghost, but this time with a knife in its hand and red blazing fire fuming from its teeth!

Answer 1

check this out (continuation of your story):

I'm finding it hard to grasp my breath, it seems stuck deep inside me! But whatever happens, I must do it - I got my knife from my pocket and twirled it at last in the air and stabbed my helpless sleeping enemy. I tasted the sight of blood, it spread right across the bed covering, I was satisfied. The skeleton within me, the deathly skull whose eyes were fiery blue, while blazing red flames conquering its teeth, finally attained its very own goal. I'm satisfied. I silently crept back , cleaning the traces of blood and fingerprints of mine with a pillow, then returning it to the corpse's head. I left the knife hung within its throat, as blood endlessly flow from it. 'A damned thing..' I said, then went out of the house immediately. Finally, I breathed and felt the chilly night air. I fled from the very house and as I'm going away, I noticed a figure within the house. I noticed his face. It was crying. It was my brother.

Answer 2

Well, for starters you are OVER USING THE COMMA

Next, whenever you generally use dialog, even internal dialog it is best to make a paragraph. For example:

Suddenly, my eye caught glimpse of a movement nearby.

“What could it be?” I thought, my head already spinning with a thousand thoughts and questions.

I stared harder and harder at the silent figure ascending from behind a table. The appearing figure was a cruel, fierce skeleton with grinning teeth and blue flames sparkling from the eye holes in its skull – it was the most horrible and scary sight I had ever seen in my life! I was stabbed with fright, and my heart was pounding furiously! This ghostly figure gazed directly at me and began to move closer and closer toward me. Its ugly bones and dreadful eyes almost scared me to death!


It's also generally accepted to use ITALICS for thoughts instead of quotes.

Overall not bad writing.

Just watch the commas and NEVER put one before AND

There were no lights on, no noises, and no one in sight.

Correct:

There were no lights on, no noises and no one in sight.

Answer 3

A rather disturbing little story.

Not bad, but I did notice one point that doesn't ring true.

If your central character stumbled and fell fleeing the skeleton, why would not the noise have alerted the brother?

Other than that, it is a good beginning at a good horror story.

Doc Hudson

Answer 4

well i actually really enjoyed the story good horror story very good dued!!!!!

Answer 5

omg....did you wirte this....i thoughraly enjoyed it....well done mr writerxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx