he came home different?

Question

my boyfriend came home from iraq last month. we have been toghether for 2 weeks now. i thought it would be the happiest time of our lifes, its not. he doesnt touch me. he isnt affectionate verbally or phyically. we barely even talk to each other and he has spent most of his time with his family. yes he calls me and we spend time together but he just doesnt seem happy. i dunno what to do, in 3weeks he returns to post in another state. who knows when ill see him again. i dont understand why he wont talk to me or touch me. please help i love him dearly i spend all my time trying to encourage and make him happy and he does nothing

he says he still loves me. he is still very nice to me but thats it. he doest act like how a boyfriend should act he treats me like im just a girl he knows but says he still wants marriage, kids, ect

i really just wish i knew if he is still in love with me if he is ill do anyting for him if he isnt i want to move on

Answer 1

The most important thing you can do right now, if you love him, is to be patient. He does need a certain amount of space and time to think but he also needs to know that you still want to be around him. I've been in his shoes and I didn't know where that balance was. I knew when she felt too pushy and I knew when she felt too distant but not how to let her know.

The important thing for you to remember is that he has already told you that he still wants all those things he wanted before. The worst thing you could do now is get upset with him about how he is.

He has to figure out how to share, how much to share and what to share about his experience. He doesn't wish to drag you in too deeply. He doesn't want your pity, but he does want your understanding. He's spent several months around a bunch of guys doing things the "real" world doesn't talk about. He probably knows everything that goes on around him and still has to figure out how to 'let you' sneak up on him.

While *you* may never have given him any reason to ever doubt your loyalty, he's seen many there whose women gave him every reason to doubt all women. Most reasonable people would be appalled at how unloyal women can be to a man in his position and with how many are. This doubt can creep in his mind, even if *you* have done nothing to cause it.

For several months, he maintained a distance from everyone and few were allowed in, because they were his teammates. But even they were kept at a certain distance. His family stays at that distance of teammates (or further), but you are inside it and he has to remember how to adjust to someone being there. He probably craves your touch but fears his reaction to it.

Patience dear. It took me several months to re-adjust, every time. Unfortunately, mine were not so patient. But if you make it through and you figure it out, you'll be well rewarded and I'll ask you to teach my next one how to figure it out.

Answer 2

Hi, nicknameagf. This is really tough, and I'm sorry. It is really common for guys to come home from war completely changed. One suggestion I'd have for you is to read about the psychological damage guys get over there.

Be kind and patient with your guy. He might come around and be affectionate with you again--or he might not. He probably won't ever be the same guy he was. But whatever recovery he does, it'll probably take a lot of time. In the three weeks before he goes back, probably the best you can do is be nice to him and not expect too much.

In the long run, for after he comes back, you need to decide whether you're up for being there while he deals with the horrors he's been through. If you can hang in there, and be patient, and if your bf gets the help he needs, you guys will probably be okay. Things won't ever be the way they were before. But you might love him even more, after all this. Or, well, you might not. He's different now. Knowing all this, are you willing to wait it out, and work on your own stuff about it, while he slowly recovers? If not, there's no shame it that--just be kind to him, and back out sooner rather than later. The longer you wait the worse hurt for both of you.

If you are up for the long haul, though, get therapy for yourself, and encourage him to do the same.

It's a rough time. Best of luck with it.

Answer 3

I spent 23 years in the marine corps and when I would come home my wife would last between 4 to 6 weeks then she was gone home to mama or some where,it got to the point when I came home from work If no one was home I would check the closets if their clothes were there I knew they were comming back if not then they didn't intend to come back,
I worked hard, and wanted to be a good husband and father, but, some how I didn't know what to do, and when I was asleep I fought constantly, I guess she couldn't take it, we ended up divorced, I went back in the marine corps, but my life has not been worth very much since, I just hope this doesn't happen to this guy, so if you can stay the course hopefull he will come around but, it will be hard.

Answer 4

OK, he has just been in Hell and you have no idea what he saw or had to do there...........QUIT BEING SELFISH! Noone that has been over there comes back the same. Also get a grip and realize that you are his girlfriend, not his wife or mother or father or sister, let him be around his family then he will come around. You never realize how much your family means to you until you are deployed in another country with someone you don't even know or care about trying to kill you!

Ok, that sounded mean but it's the truth. My husband and his friends came back different, jumping and ducking when something hit make a boom sound, not sleeping, wanting to spend time with his fellow soldiers, taking LOTS of time to readjust. You have to realize that these guys just left a place where they sleep with their weapon, get woke up all hours due to mortar attacks, wear their armor continually, and it takes time to adjust to the "real" world. Give him some time.

Answer 5

Im a army wife and i know what you are going through and its hard as hell. You sit there and want him to talk but he doesnt. War changes people. Hes seen alot of stuff over there and you may understand more then an average civilian due to you having been apart from him, but you'll never fully understand what hes seen and done. My husband was the same way when he came home. He went in before the war started and came home 15 months later a totally diff person. Its been almost 5 yrs and hes never gonna be how he was before he went. But ur boyfriend kinda sounds like he has post tramatic stress. He needs to get help. My husband has it and it took me 4 yrs to get him to seek help. He help like hed be labeled as a psycho it he sought out help. They are men they have huge egos and dont want to feel like anyless of a man due to admitting that they have a mental disorder. My husband is getting ready to go back to Iraq and we are both worried about what he'll be like when he comes back home. I went through 2 pregnancies and having 2 babies with him being distant and non- responsive. We had a child before he left and he treated her diff when he returned. The 2 kids we had after he returned he was pretty well a bystander in raising them until he got help.

Answer 6

This is 100% of people cming home from Iraq. He just left a warzone, if he hadn't changed then something would be wrong with him. You have t understand what he was just exposed to for so long. He needs you now more than ever. I would recommend seeing a relationship counselor, they will be able to get him to talk about what he feels and open up to you and be happy again. Just try to understand where hes coming from and know that it might take some time and some work. Hes not gonna want to open up in the beggining. But just stick with him for a while.

Answer 7

He just returned from a war zone give him some time to relax. It can take months, even years for a person to return to a somewhat normal state after being deployed to a war zone.

I was deployed to Iraq for a year and when I returned home I distanced myself from pretty much everyone because I had been away from home for so long that I forgot what it was like to have family around again, and not being blown up, shot at, or hearing incoming mortar rounds.

Answer 8

Is she in before care or after care? If so, maybe the person that is watching over them is doing it? In our school some of the high school kids come down as part of there classes to watch the kids in these programs and the younger girls love to hang out with high school girls. Maybe instead of playing with the other kids she's letting them do her hair. If your daughter isn't answering you just ask the teacher, maybe it's happening at lunch? Try to speak to the teacher during pick up time or send her an email. Good Luck

Answer 9

Tell him you love him and that if he needs to talk you're there. Love isn't about touchy feely it's about being there when he needs you!

Tell him your concerns and then let him come to you.

Men don't work through things by talking like women do..... when he's ready to talk he will. Do things with him, be there to spend time with him, show him you still love him!

It's normal for returneees to have nightmares, startle at loud noises, have trouble in crowds or driving, need to sleep on the floor, things like that for at least 6 weeks after they return.....longer than that is reason to be concerned for PTSD but it sounds like he's just needing to readjust.

You've both changed during this time.

Answer 10

I always felt strange being around my husband after I'd been away. You go months without touching anyone intimately and it's just strage to do again. It kind of feels like a new relationship in the physical sense of it.

Plus he's been to Iraq, who knows what he's been through. Just give him time.