How to be more emotionally expressive?

Question

Is it something that we humans can control? or is it instinctive?

I'm a girl who has been accused of being cold and structured and I seriously don't see myself that way. I really want people to see that I do have feelings just like any other human beings.


Just goes to the show that what we think of ourselves don't match with the reality.

Answer 1

We absolutely control our external behaviors that are triggered by emotion. Some people are naturally expressive and for others of us, it is more learned behavior because we want to be that way. For people who are naturally more reserved, it takes a conscious effort to become on the outside what we know we are on the inside. For example, if people perceive you are "cold" at work, you can start demonstrating more simple "warm" behaviors such as being the first to approach a group and say "Hi!" with a smile. Ask people who sit next to you how their day is going or what their plans for the weekend are. Sometimes the small niceties of small talk are all it takes to make people feel more warmly toward you.

Try to meet people on their emotional level. If someone tells you something bad has happened to them, for example, " And then I saw I had a flat tire just as I was rushing out the door!" acknowledge that statement by saying something like "Wow! You must have been really upset. What did you do?" Put yourself in their shoes then give a sincere comment. By using kind words, you can demonstrate that you care about the things other people care about, and that will change their perception of you as "cold."

Another thing that can help is to ask someone you really trust to tell you honestly what it is that you do that makes people think you are "cold and structured." There is absolutely nothing wrong with being structured as long as it doesn't mean you are completely inflexible and must have your way all the time. Some people are too spontaneous. There is always a middle ground.

Ask your trusted friend to give you specific examples, for instance, "When I told you the other kids were laughing at me, you didn't say anything. That hurt me because I thought you didn't care about me and wanted to laugh, too." Then talk with your friend about ways you could have demonstrated on the outside how you were feeling on the inside. For example, you could have said, "Oh Jane, I'm sorry they laughed. They didn't mean it that way or want to hurt you. I don't think it's funny." Take the suggestions from your trusted friend to heart and really make an effort to consciously change your behavior.

I have a super-outgoing friend who learned to be that way by consciously asking questions of the people she meets. When she meets someone new, she repeats their name and immediately asks them a question about themselves. When they answer, she finds something in the answer to ask about, and pretty soon, people are chatting away to her and think she's their best friend! She can often keep her emotions to herself and yet be perceived as "warm" and "friendly" because she's letting people do what they like to to most in the entire world - talk about themselves!

If you choose to work for it, you CAN do it!

Answer 2

You can control your expressions to an extent, but you're prone to have some subliminal things that tell people how you feel.