suicide my dad killed himself?

Question

my dad commited suicide 5years ago on my 30th birthday,hed been battling depression for a long time,without being selfish how can i properly grieve 4 him,when i still dont 4give him 4 doing it,let alone on my birthday,as every year on my birthday,i just stay in bed for the whole day?ive tried counsellors but didnt feel they were for me???????

Answer 1

My heart is with you.
Depression is a terrible unbalancing condition.
People suffering from it are at times, unable to reason the consequesnces of their actions. Your father could not help his actions & had he not been suffering he would surely have reasoned not to put you through this suffering you have now. I'm sure he loved you dearly.
Depression is an illness and if you focus on that then you will be able to better cope with it. He was your dad, with a terrible illness.
It's not selfish to feel like you do. It's natural. This action has tarnished what should be a good day for you with unhappy memories. These will never completely go but you can move on if you think that your dad could not help it. The illness took over him. Think of it this way & forgiveness will come & you will be able to grieve for your dad and then when you move forward, little by little, you should be able to remember the fond memories you have of your dad.

PS, If you'd like a friend, or just a listening ear, please email me

Answer 2

I feel great sympathy for you. It is always very difficult when one looses a loved one. In your case it was particularly cruel as he did it on your birthday but he properly did not realise at the time that is was your birthday. Depression is a terrible disease because it is still wildly miss understood.
My sister committed suicide over 40 years ago,aged 23 yrs, leaving 2 small children aged 2yrs & 10mths. For many years I would not tell people how she died because I felt ashamed, there was such a stigma attached. Also guilty that I had not done something to prevent it.
It was very painfull when her daughter used to ask questions about her and the way she died because none of the family knew why she did it as she did not leave any note. To this day I do not beleive she ment to kill herself, I think it was a cry for help that went very wrong.
Maybe your dad was crying out for help so try to find it in your heart to forgive him. I am sure once you can do that you can start to heal and begin to grieve for him. People say suicide is a cowards way out but I believe it takes a lot of courage to take ones own life. Try to concentrate on the good memories you have. I wish you well & hope you will one day have a happy Birthday. God Bless you.

Answer 3

Wow, that's a tough question. So sorry to hear about your loss. It would depend (if you know for sure) why he did it on your birthday. If it was to have an affect on you, that's cruel. If it's just a coincidence, then just realize that he had his reasons. Nobody has a life without some problems. Obviously his problems were bigger than he could handle. Just realize that you are YOU, and nobody else can tell you how to live your life. So just go and be the best YOU. Make accompishment that surpass what he's done. maybe you can turn this into a positive thing, by finding your own successes in his shadow. Good luck to you, and God bless.

Answer 4

That really is something that must be dfficult to get over. I think that forgiveness is a personal thing. When someone you love decides to kill themselves those left have a variety of emotions that to others seem odd. Two uncles of mine killed themselves, 1 of them did so whilst staying at our home. This happened 6 years ago and I still feel absolute anger for him.

What might help? Well everyone is different I guess. Unlike yourself I found counselling very helpful (CRUSE is a great organisation you might look in to if you haven't already). Other things that could help - there are many good books out there. One in particular that looks at the issues behind suicide and does not do the whole therapy thing, is a book called "The suicidal mind" by Edwin Shneidman. It helped me understand how the mind works when suicidal and was surprisingly helpful in coming to terms with it.

The most positive ting I can say to you is that you must be kind to yourself.

I send my best wishes...

Answer 5

Hi,

I am sorry for what you are going through. I have been close to committing suicide and all i can say is that your dad was sick. he was not healthy and well in mind to make the decision clearly. I am sure he didn't do it to hurt you in anyway. If he had of been well, he probably would have done anything to celebrate your birthday with you. usually people who commit suicide often think that those around would be better off, even if it's not true and so he did it perhaps not thinking it would hurt you but that being around hurt you and others more. Your dad was in a lot of pain to have to do this, he probably seen it as his only way out. For you, i know it has caused you such great pain too and you feel angry for him inflicting his pain on others, but he didn't do it intentionally i'm sure...you need to work through this with a counsellor...keep trying to find one that suits you. Again i am sorry for your loss and i hope you get the right sort of help soon

best of luck xxx

Answer 6

God love you, you are right to be angry with your Dad that is only natural, what he did unfortunately he probably had no control at that point, it was a selfish act but he must have suffered, but its you that now has to be strong and try to get on with your life and do the best you can for yourself, you deserve to be happy, and you will be. I bet if he had the choice again he wouldnt have done it, but unfortunately we will never know what goes on in the mind of someone who is truly depressed. Just remember that as we get older birthdays dont hold the same joy as when we were small, but for you its an even harder day, but try to get up and enjoy the other people in your life who love you very much, and want you to be happy, and you will be, take care, be strongx

Answer 7

All the time in the world won't heal your hurt and pain, it's what you do with that time. I would recommend going to a close friend or family memeber (perferably one who wasn't close to your father), and try talking to them. Most counsellors have to really be careful not to get personal with the counselling, and you need somebody who REALLY understands what you're going through and will listen to you. (At least that's what it seems to be. Maybe later in your griving you may need to use a counsellor for other reasons) Also try writing in a journal or diary about your innermost feelings (make sure there's a lock if you live with somebody else...just in case)
It's not easy, and don't believe you should be 'happy' because it's been five years. My father didn't want me in his life, and rejected me, and I'm still dealing with it. It's been four years, and I'm still struggling to understand WHY.
Good luck, and know that you're not alone. There is always people that will be there for you if you look hard enough.

Answer 8

I can understand that you can't forgive him. Suicide is a totally selfish act, expecially to do it on your birthday! However, selfish or not, you probably will never, ever know the kind of emotional pain and turmoil that he was going through and you are better off not knowing. You haven't got to forgive him in order to grieve. Just try to remember the good times that you had with him and understand that he felt it was the only way out for him. Many people who commit suicide truly believe that their loved ones are better off without them. It is almost as if they believe it is an act of love (believe it or not). Your Dad wouln't want his depression and suicide to ruin the rest of your life. I know it is easy for me to say but please make a concentrated effort on your next birthday to have a great time. Eventually, it will become second nature for you to enjoy your birthday.

Answer 9

I agree with the one answerer who said that your dad's choice to kill himself on your birthday was shockingly selfish and I am so sorry for your loss. It's unlikely that a birthday will ever pass without thinking about this, and i would suggest that rather than trying to reframe his death or move past it altogether, that you incorporate it in some way into a ritual on your birthday in order to acknowledge it without allowing it to completely define what your birthday means. What I would suggest is to find a way to make a ritual on your birthday, perhaps by going to the gravesite or writing him a letter, where you tell him what you are feeling on that particular day and what he has missed in your life during the past year. That allows you to do several things-1) acknowledge that he killed himself on your birthday because to do otherwise would seem invalidating and lacking in reality, 2) share your feelings with him and still include him in whatever capacity suits your needs-whether it be to share your anger or how much you miss him or both, 3) tie the event to a piece of the day by giving it its own time and place, but not allowing it to overshadow everything, 4) diminish any expectations that are unrealistic, for example: that you should mourn and remember all day or the equally unreasonable expectation that you should move on and act as though it was just simply your birthday alone and not the anniversary of a horrifically traumatic event-which it is. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to both celebrate your birthday and grieve your loss-to ignore either would be unfair to you.
Blessed Be.

Answer 10

I'm sure the reason your Dad ended his life on your Birthday wasn't to make things any worse for you. He must have had that much going on in his mind, he simply dedcided that day was The Day. As the other suggestions say, remember the good times you had together and celebrate his life instead of mourning his death. Also remember, every time you celebrate a birthday, it was also the day your Dad's suffering ended, maybe you could use this as an excuse to celebrate your birthday.