My Fiance's an Alcoholic?

Question

me and my fiance have been together for almost 5 years and he's an alcoholic although he seriously denies it and says that he needs to drink all the time because i have a bitchie attitude, i know thats just his excuse for drinking because he's been an alcoholic since befroe i meet him. when he drinks he becomes very angry and has abused me both physically and mentally in front of our kids. i love him and know that i need to leave him, or so people tell me i need to! i dont know what to do 'cause im affraid its gonna get worse if i leave him. he's even started to abuse his drug habbits and has tried to get me to do it with him, but when he's sobber he talks badly about people with drug habbits but then when drunk he's a complete diffrent person. i hate it when he drinks because he stars to flirt with girls in front of me and just stars toi mouth off about me to were i cry, resently i just cant cry for him anymore im all cryed out!! what do i do?

Answer 1

I know a little about alcoholism, remember, it is a disease. I went out with a guy who was absolutely lovely sober but drunk he was a monster. He keep denying his problem until finally 1 day, everthing came to a head and i asked him to choose between me or booze. He choose me and admitted his problem and then got help. It was a battle, it wasn't easy but dealing with together helped.

What I'm saying is if you think he will be a better person to you if he isn't drinking, try to get him to seek help, for the sake of your relationship, your children and his health. I know that may not be easy but make him see that he'll lose you if he doesn't. Same with the drugs. It wont be easy but it really will be worth it in the long run if together you can get him off the booze. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer 2

You are right to be concerned that this binge drinking for the sole purpose of getting drunk may be alcoholism. When a person does things that are hurtful and upsetting to another person it indicates a lack of regard for the other person. His verbal abuse may very well be a precursor to physical abuse in the years to come. He is telling you quite clearly that his drinking is very important to him. Being drunk and abusive fills some need in his life. Listen to what he is saying and believe him. He loves alcohol more than you or your baby. As sad as it is, you need to face the truth and leave him now. You don't want to waste the next 40 or 50 years living with a man who has no regard for your feelings. It's down hill from this point. He has made his choice. No sorrowful words of apology will undo the harm he is doing, has done, and will do in the future.

Answer 3

The sad fact about alcoholism is that unless someone really wants to stop drinking, the alcoholism will carry on and only get worse. He is obviously blaming you for it but you are not....I repeat not to blame. An ultimatum is what you need to give him...either he STOPS the drinking or you will kick him out...or leave...whichever suits...and you ACT on the threat if he fails to comply. You have to be in charge of him as he cannot control himself...you have to tell him what to do and what will happen if he doesn't.. Tough love is what is needed with abusers and I'm sad to say you are going to have to be tough and mean exactly what you say or he will walk all over you from now until....well how bad is it????
If he truly loves you he will stop the flirting too. Tell him what you want and don't want ....make him do something...if he doesn't he is of no use to you anyway.
Feel sad and sorry for you but BE STRONG.
Making a break if necessary may be extremely hard but living with a progressive alcoholic will be much worse.
Best wishes, Mike.

Answer 4

Bottom line is that there is nothing you can do to help him. He's an addict, and only he can help himself at this point; you'll have to let him go and allow him to hit the rock bottom point.

My best advice it the same you've heard already - get out while you can. No matter how much you and the kids love him, it will not help him and will only harm you all in the long run. If he's being abusive to you, he's abusive to the kids as well, whether you see it or not. Can you really stand to stay with someone who is hurting your children?

Answer 5

What confuses me is the fact you knew he was an alcoholic BEFORE you even became involved with him. And still you moved in with him and had kids with him. This alone says you accept the way he is. If you want out, then get out. If his drinking and drug abuse gets worse, that's not your problem, it's his. You have children to think of. If he has physically and verbally abused you then some day if he hasn't already he will turn on the kids too. Get them and yourself out of this bad unsafe situation before one of you gets seriously hurt, or, someone turns you and your fiance in for child abuse.

Answer 6

I know you got a lot of "leave hims" and it sounds like you have reached a decision.

You have to own it, you have to acknowledge you are in this situation because you allowed it to go on. You have a choice. You can let it continue. You can take charge of your life and family, your children need you to protect them from abuse. Hearing your parents fight and seeing a parent intoxicated is a scary environment for any child, don't risk loosing your children because you failed to protect them against an abusive partner. Please let reason lead you and may God give you the strength to do what you must do, go to the shelter for abused women right now, don't take anything but your children, you can go back with the police escort for your and the children's belongings, go to a safe place now, get off the computer. Go

Answer 7

You should read the question I asked. I'm asking for advice because my mum is actually at death's door in hospital dying of liver failure through alcoholism. It's awful and as much as my sister and I tried to help her it was impossible and look where it's got her. The person needs to want to help themself. No amount of begging or pleading will make any difference. They say that a person needs to hit rock bottom to realise what they are losing through their addiction. Only then might they seek help or at least stop being in denial about even having a problem. You can't stay there for the sake of your children. You need to put them first and for a child to go through it's formative years seeing its mummy being beaten up will only cause problems in later life. You should try Al-anon. It's for families of alcoholics and there will be people there who will have gone through the same thing and can advise you.

Answer 8

Damn girl, I married a guy like this. LEAVE HIM FAST and don't look back. Your children will think that it's normal to treat others like this. You don't owe him anything.. you gave him 5 years of your life. It will be hard, but I am willing to bet that he'll come around a few times after the break up and swear he's changed... trust me, he hasn't! He'll be like this until he grows up and acts like a man or he'll be like this forever. Do not marry him... you're just afraid because you have a comfort zone right now. Whatever you do, don't get involved right away, give yourself confidence first or you might attract the same sort of guy. Do something for yourself, you and the children will appreciate it later!

Answer 9

There is nothing you can do but leave him. If he doesn't realise he is an alcoholic then he can't get better. Do you want your children to grow up thinking your fiance's behaviour is acceptable? That it is ok to abuse people & make them hurt?

It sounds like you would be far better off being single than with a man that treats you this way. I know its not his fault, that it is down to the drink, but don't let yourself & your children suffer for his actions.

Answer 10

OK I would tell you to get out anyway; however the line "in front of our kids", really has me worried. Get you and your children out of there NOW. With any luck it will wake him up and he will get the help he needs. Either way being around an abusive person is not good for your children. Call a local shelter, friends, family, church, police, anyone to get you and your kids safe. DO IT NOW!!!!!