Can anyone give me some advice about my son and me?

Question

My grown son is struggling financially and keeps asking me for money that I can't afford to give him. How do I stop feeling guilty? Yes, he has a job.

Answer 1

Tell him it's time to man up and you have your responsibilities too. As much as you would love to help him out, you just can't. Have him reevaluate where his money is going and what he can cut down on. Good luck!

Answer 2

Well i have a brother like this,he doesn't always have a job,kind of bounces around from each job.But he always needs money for something and being family,well i feel guilty to tell him no.I recently put a stop to it.The other day he asked me for ten bucks to get a couple packs of cigarettes,even for that i said no.Told him i am not supporting his habit cause he's an adult and needs to buy his own.Lately i have actually been mean and i feel bad when i do it but he's getting the hint and not asking me for as much.Like when he asks for money for just about anything i tell him look,you're a man not a boy anymore.It's time to take the diapers off and do for yourself.If he complains i will tell him a long list of things i bought for him which included a very nice car at one point when he complained he couldn't get a job cause of transportation.I even insured it for him for the entire year so he had a year to find a job.He did find jobs but quit them.Anyways back to the point,i bring up everything i ever bought for him and then tell him simply I've done enough.I then throw in what will happen the day I am down and out and need the same kind of help I give you,you won't be able to give me nothing.Turn the guilt back on him is the best way to combat feeling it yourself lol.

Answer 3

You don't state the reason for his financial troubles. If he is working, but still doesn't make enough to live on, then perhaps you can encourage him to take some classes, or help him job search.
You'll have to tell him that you can't help him financially, but that you could help him by teaching him how to stretch his money. Encourage him to budget, and stick to it. Maybe he needs a roommate to defray costs? Get rid of his car payment, if he has one, get a car he can afford, etc.

It's tough for a parent watching kids struggle financially. And even those who have the money probably shouldn't help as much as they do. Teaching kids, even grown ones, to be responsible with their money is the best thing to do. If he doesn't know how to do that, he may need your help to learn how.

Don't feel guilty, the advice and non-monetary support you can offer will be worth more in the long run anyway.

Good luck and God Bless

Answer 4

In my experience, guilt is an endemic part of parenting. But, if you're confident you made the right decision in your child's best interests the guilt will soon vanish.
Whether you are able to give your son money or not isn't really the issues here. Love between parent and child should a lifelong unconditional and it doesn't depend on finances. I'm sure every parent wants their child to become independent and has no wish to see them go through financial hardship but if you keep bailing him out he'll never achieve a sense of responsibility. Be honest with him and be tough and remember he'll always love you for what you are not what your 'worth'.

Answer 5

Tell him you are absolutely tapped out, and if necessary, he has to cut expenses. For example, tell him you'll sit down with him and show him where he's wasting money., I bet he eats out a lot. Too bad on him. Start brown bagging it. I bet he grabs a few coffees, maybe gourmet varieties. tell him to make a Thermos of coffee in the morning to save. If he smokes, NYC has a free patch program at 311, and the savings are enormous.

If he begs and whines, tell him you love him, but you can't put your own well- being in any more jeopardy. If he doesn't understand and gets feisty, opt starts to beg, I am telling you to listen carefully here: he has a drug problem. I know the type.

Answer 6

Just be honest with him and tell him you cant do it anymore. If he is out living on his own, maybe he needs to save money by bettering his living situation. Get a cheaper place, more roommates, stop spending so much money on crap. Or maybe he just needs to get a second job. He is young and can do it. Its one thing to go to your parent once in a while for help, but not all the time.
Let him know that he is putting you in a bad situation financially. He needs to take care of himself now that he is an adult. Maybe he can go get a loan and consolidate his bills.

Answer 7

The next time he comes over asking for money, tell him you want to see his bills. That your getting worried, and that you feel he needs to learn how to manage his money, b/c you have bills of your own to pay, and that the borrowing money can't continue unless he's willing to allow you to be his financial advisor. You know to get him back on his feet. Each time after that, keep reciepts showing how much he borrowed and when. That you do expect him to pay you back, when he gets back on his feet of course.

Answer 8

I have been on my own since 17, and my parents have never been in a position to help me. I have survived for 11 years so far, and I am a single mom.

Answer 9

Maybe try to help him with his financial planning. Or if he cant afford to live on his own, offer him to move back if you have the space.

Answer 10

You are in a tough situation. We want to help our children forever. It's just natural. However, there comes a point where we just don't have the extra to give. You should NOT feel guilty. He will eventually find a way to cut back and stay within his budget.

Answer 11

even if you could afford it there are good reasons for not giving him money...

-kid's got to learn to make it on his own...
-why should he take another step towards self sufficiency when he doesn't have to?
-the parent can only stop being the teacher when all the lessons are learned.