Well I'm 20 years old. I have one son (7 months) who I LOVE!!!! My boyfriend has three other kids..?

Question

7, 6 and 3 yr old. They are UNDISCIPLINED, RUDE, and UNGRATEFUL. They're living with us because their mom couldn't financially, emotionally, phsyically or mentally take care of them. The oldest one (i swear) is aneroxic! She won't eat anything I make. (She doesn't like tacos, enchiliadas, sphagetti) The middle ones not there.To say the least. He's messed up in the head. The youngest won't get up to use the tiolet during night time. She's even gotten to the point of hiding the clothes and DENYING it. I tell my boyfriend that they need a mom (Which I cannot be) They need SO MUCH attention and love. When their mom left them with us she never said anything about her 'problems' She brought them with the clothes they had on and never came back to pick them up. She called a few days later and told us she wasn't going to pick them up. NOW she wants them back. She has 2 other kids with her, no job, living with friends for 'free'.I want them 2 go back. Bf wants them 2 stay. What Should I do?

I love his kids but they need so much love and attention that I don't have...You can't scream at them, you can't spank them...Because then they'll cry..I don't know maybe i'm just over exxagerating....

jk- Without me he wouldn't be able to keep his kids around. I feed them, i clean for them, I take them to school, pick them up. One time the little boy spit in my face? What did his dad do?--Nothing. AND I'm the *****? I went clothes shopping for the oldest (since her mom brought no clothes for them) I do not buy myself clothes from the mall but I did for her and you know what she said? --She didn't like them so I gave them to her cousin. They act out (part of the reason) is because my bf doesn't discipline them..The boy is in kinder and has been written up for spitting at other kids, pushing, hitting and talking inapproiate. But I'm the *****? The way I see it is if they don't listen to me and disrespect me then they shouldn't live with us. They can come visit ...

I don't want you guys to get me wrong. I LOVE these kids but HONESTLY I don't think I can help them...I love them but I don't think they want that love. Ya know? Like, they know who they're mom is and I can't be their mom. I've done so much for these kids but they don't appreciate it. You know with the youngest my mom went and bought her a lamp for the downstairs and i talk to her before she goes to bed about not peeing the bed and she still will but before i wake up she'll change and hide the clothes...

the thing about the food is she does like them but just to make me mad she'll say she doesn't and then 2 weeks later I'll make it again and she's asking for seconds

we do limit her liquids , have her use the potty before bed and sometimes when i get up i'll wake her and ask h er if she needs to use the potty.

Answer 1

If you keep those kids, you and your boyfriend will have a very short future. From what you say, your situation has disaster written all over it. Do not sacrifice yourself to someone who is trying to shirk their responsibility onto you. Life is difficult at best if things go well. It is impossible if they don't.
It is a tough situation, do what is best for you and your own child. The world is full of boyfriends who are easily replaced.

Answer 2

These children are desperate and need all of the love and attention your boyfriend and you have to offer. They are not purposefully rude and ungreatful, they are just desperate.
At 20 yrs old, you are too young to be their mother figure and it sounds like your boyfriend is putting too much responsiblity on you.
Never, never, never shame the child for bedwetting. She is emotionally stressing. Just pick the clothes up and wash them and put them away. Make her feel loved and wanted.
She is hiding the clothes because she is ashamed and that is just wrong. It will not improve the situation. Low self esteem will destroy this little one more than anything else and I am sorry to say it sounds way too pathetic.
I never liked spaghetti, enchilada's or taco's when I was little either because I didnt care for foods which were full of tomato sauce. Maybe you should try penut butter and jelly or some cheese and crackers or something simple. She may be so nervous, she cannot eat, or she may have not been fed regularly and cannot eat.....or sad as it sounds, she may miss her mother. Havent you ever been so upset in a strange place you lost your appetite, I have.
You need help. Your boyfriend needs to have help. You need social services. Take these kids to the pool, go bicycle riding, enroll them in a program at the park. Play with them.
Be compassionate and just give them love and security. Ask the children if they want to go with their mother. Work with them to make sure they are cared for and loved. If you cant do it, then get out. Its too much for you to handle and they deserve so much more. Sounds like they have had a crappy life.

Answer 3

Personally, I think the problem doesn't lie with the kids.

Not eating what you fix does not mean she's anorexic. It could be she's an extremely picky eater, though.

You didn't say how the middle child is "not there" or "messed up in the head." Does he have some kind of behavioral, mental or emotional problem that is beyond his control? If that's the case, those phrases are not only ignorant, they are mean.

And with a three-year-old, be glad she's potty-trained. A lot of kids don't even get potty-trained until they're three. Not to mention, the percentage of children who wet the bed is staggering. Holding it against her by saying she "won't use the potty during night time" is pretty harsh. If she gets punished, yelled at, accused or humiliated for it, three things will happen: she will hide her clothes, she will deny it, and she will get worse. That's just how it is. You talk about her like she's a dog you whack on the nose when he makes on the floor. Your insensitive, critical reactions will do nothing but make the situation worse. Bed-wetting often has to do with stress. It's perfectly understandable for a three-year-old who has had a difficult life to be stressed. This girl has been through a lot. You are making things worse.

Wanna know a secret? ALL children crave attention and love. These children aren't being unreasonable by wanting love. They should have been getting it from the time they were born. They haven't. And now, you claim you can't give them the amount of love they seem to need, so they should be shuttled back to their mother who will give them none at all. That makes about as much sense as telling a person who is starving to stop whining about it and that you're going to make sure no one gives him food.

Well done.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you have a seven-month-old. When your child is three, six or seven, you may look at the behavior of your boyfriend's children in a different light.

Also keep in mind that the kids need to be in a healthy environment. It seems to me that you're being selfish by wanting to send them back to a dangerous, unhealthy environment because you don't like them. They are your boyfriend's children. He has an obligation to them, as well as to your son. If he has his priorities right, you rank fifth, at the highest.

I suggest you learn about age-appropriate behavior, stop blaming them or looking down on them for acting their ages, stop belittling them, and keep in mind that these kids have gone through enough without you making things worse.

Remember, if your son were in a situation sometime in the future where he had a desperate need for love and understanding and care, because it had been denied him his whole life, you would want your boyfriend to have the same sense of responsibility to him as he's showing for the other kids.

I'm sorry if this makes you angry, and I hope you take it to heart, even if it bothers you.

Answer 4

When you date someone with other kids you have to love them and the kids. It is a package deal...no ifs ands or buts about it.

That being said, my bf has a 13 yo daughter and we have a 4 1/2 mo baby so I totally understand some of the feelings you may be having. I know I sometimes don't agree with the things he lets her get away with or some of the ways they parent her (nothing as bad as these kids sound) but she is not my child and I cannot tell them how to raise her. As for our child I will not make some of the mistakes they have made. Anyway...what these kids need is some love and attention. For goodness sakes their mother abandoned them! They are acting out...children need to feel secure and need to know they are loved and have a stable environment. From what you say these kids have not seen that. If you could find it in you to deal with them a little longer and maybe show them that you will not DUMP them like their mom did then maybe the issues will stop. No child deserves the things that these kids have gone through. It is going to take work to reverse the damage they have already suffered in their short lives. You say you don't have it in you...so you can stand to send these children back with an unfit mother? That is really a sad sad thing. Good luck.

Answer 5

Sounds like it would be good for the kids because it sounds like maybe there mom was not giving them the love and attention they needs and if she is clearly not mentally able or emotionally able it makes you wonder what they went through and there environment. Maybe you and your boyfriend need to attend counseling to get on the same page plus sounds like all the children need some kind of counseling. Sounds like they all have behavior problems and maybe suffered some emotional abuse. You may have to step up as a mother figure it will be hard but if you are not up for it then maybe you should not be involved with this guy anymore. You knew he had kids when you got together and if you guys plan on getting married guess what you will be a mother figure and show them love no matter what and get them healthy. Sounds like you and your bf need to get on the same page with discipline with these kids so what if they cry when you yell at them or discipline them they need structure all children cry when you start disciplining them then they get over it. That's what being a parent is. But if you can't handle it and do not want to be a mother figure let him go so maybe someday he will find a supportive, loving, caring and mother figure for his kids that is what they need and you all need to seek counseling to discover problems that are causing these kids to act this way.

Answer 6

Why can't mom and BF have a joint custody so BOTH parents can be involved in their lives? Do they have any court orders?

Honestly, mom may never be the mom these children really need. They'd probably be far better off with their father, even if that's a bit of a hassle for you. If mom can visit or have them on weekends of something, then that would be great so at least they'd never have any regrets about never being with their mom.

I think you should be supportive of your boyfriend wanting them to live with you guys in a more stable and secure enviroment. I think it's safe to say their time with mom in the past has done nothing for them and already screwed them up. Hopefully spending time away from mom and with dad will gradually make them a bit more normal.

If she already has 2 other kids + no job + and no home of her own, she shouldn't have these guys because the child services may even snatch them away and then be sick enough to twist things so they don't even get to go back with dad (trust me... they do stupid stuff like that). So you don't want them around even for a second.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Those poor kids. Sounds like there's no one in their lives mature enough to raise and love them.

Good lord, why don't people use birth control?


Just wanted to add that it is totally understandable that a 3 year old is not night-trained, yet. That's not something that a child can control in any way, shape or form. It's not even something that you can teach them. You can *help* them by making sure they use the bathroom before bed, waking them to go in the night, limiting liquids for an hour before bed, but they don't do it out of stupidity or spite. It's a bioligical thing that just happens, eventually. Until it does, why make more work for yourself, embarrass the child or berate him to the point where he'd rather lie (which he knows is wrong) rather than let you know about the accident? Why not just put a pullup or diaper on him for the night?

7, 6 & 3 year old are *STILL LEARNING* about life & it's up to their parents to teach them. The lessons will need to be repeated often, lovingly and in different ways, every day, for years, until they really internalize them & make them a part of their lives. So, who's teaching these kids how to behave? Or is everyone just expecting them to know how to do all of this instinctively? Who's loving them & teaching them to love themselves and life?

How sad...

Would your boyfriend be willing to put them up for adoption? That might be their only hope.

Answer 8

This is why I will never date anyone with kids. These kids need love, attention, and discipline. Don't baby them...they need strict rules and guidelines, but not to the point of meanness. But, being the stepmother, I would probably be hesitant to step in and do it myself. It could cause seriously friction in your relationship. It's probably not the best thing for those kids to go back to their mother, since the way they are behaving now reflects her parenting skills. Or they could just be reacting to being abandoned. You know more about the situation and that's your call to make. However, her not having a job or a home of her own is a serious set back...children need routine and a solid, steady, secure life and environment in order to function well and excel in all aspects of life. I would suggest talking to your boyfriend and the mother of the children...a family meeting, if you will...and express your concerns to both of them. All of you need to work together to make the situation work and be most beneficial to the children. They are the most important people in this situation.

Answer 9

I say you are a selfish person who should have never gotten involved in the first place. First off 3 year olds will have accidents at night. She should stop getting liquids a couple of hours before bed and then make sure she goes before you tuck her in. If she is still having accidents then you or your boyfriend should get her up in the middle of the night to go. That's just part of parenthood. She should never be made to feel ashamed for that. Some kids just can't help it. You will experience it with you own child soon enough.
Second you should find out what the oldest one is used to eating. If her mother never made enchiladas, spaghetti, or tacos, then of course she won't like them. How about normal food?
You are calling a 6 year old messed up in the head? Have you considered how he has been brought up. It would seem he hasn't had the easiest of lives for a 6 year old. How about a little compassion. You seem to be too immature to handle parenthood and it's hard fo me to believe you have a child of your own. For your baby's sake, I hope it is never seen as the inconvenience the other kids seem to be to you. This is what you sign up for when you date someone with children. Grow up.

Answer 10

I kind of feel like you and your boyfriend might be the only hopes for these kids. If oyu are not up to the task, then bail now. But if you think you might be, I have some suggestions.

What these kids need and CRAVE is love, consistency, and rules. The time to set those rules (and the consequences for breaking them) is NOW.

I would say to them (each at a level they can understand) that if they want to stay with you (I suspect they will) then there are hosue rules. They are this: If you do not follow them, this happens. You have to be firm and consistent. It will pay off in spades. Your boyfriend has got to back you up 100%.

The one who "is messed in the head" needs to be involved with the counselor at her school. Intervention is crucial.

Plese try to open your heart-NO ONE has done right by these kids. They need a lot of love.

If they go back to their mom's, please look out for them.

Best-DN

Answer 11

You are being pretty selfish here. I hate to say it. If you are wanting to make this a long lasting relationship with your boyfriend, then you are going to have to figure out a way to make this situation work. I realize these kids come with a lot of baggage. But, these are situations that can be turned around. It will take work, love and sweat from you and your boyfriend. Kids thrive with structure. Give them some. And then get them some therepy. How could you sleep at night if you sent them back to live in who knows what kind of condition. These kids didn't ask to be here,and they need love and guidance.