my in-laws are driving me nuts, I'm pregnant/help?

Question

I posted this yesterday, and for some reason it didn't post my explenations, so here I go to try again.ok, my hubby and I are closing on our house today, but for the last 3 months we've been staying at his parents.they chain smoke like crazy, and have had no apprieciation, or respect for us or for anyone.and they are really bad alcoholics.I have held my toungue out of respect b/c I am in thier house, and so has my hubby, he feels the same way I do. they even wakeus up at 3 am! they will sit there and blow smoke right in my face, and I'm 28 weeks pregnant, and they expect us to leave our baby with thier cig stained, house after he's born that they never even clean, and is just discusting,I'm so fed up, and I need them to know how I feel.I want to do it in an adult fashion tho, so I really need some advise to keep things civilized.I know either way, there are going to be hurt feelings, I just need some advice. please only serious answers, as I'm already mad. thanks in advance

not only that, we've already lost one of our babies almost a year ago now, in july. our baby was born on the 6th and passed on the 9th, and you'd think they would care about seeing there grandbaby, and me and the baby being healthy. I just don't understand why they do these things. our daugher is there only grandchild, I just would expect them to care an awful lot more than they do.

they just don't care that we lost our 1st child, and are not doing anything to help me be healthy.

Answer 1

My mother in laws first words after seeing my son were " He looks nothing like the family" and when it took him almost two hours to feed (premie) she said "I couldn't put up with that sh*t, when he was 5 months old she told me that I do things that make it very difficult for anyone to take care of him, and when he was 8 months and we left her with him for 10 minutes she actually told me that when she was changing him on the bed like she was told not to do 4 months before that she (I stuck my finger in his face and told him to go ahead and F*cking cry Mommy and Daddy aren't here to save you). I found bruises on his leg the next day. I thought that she was incapable of love and compasion for any child given that she told me repeadedly that she fed her babies in the morning and put them in the crib and didn't see them again until her housework was done until another child was born into the family. She is just unsafe and incapable of loving our child.

You #1 roll is keeping your child safe. All you have to say when they bring up leaving your baby with them is that you are not ready and if they push it let your husband explain your concerns to them. I have told my husband that his mother is more than welcome to come to our home to see her grandson anytime as long as we are both here and he has accepted and understands that.

Contact me if you need too, I never wanted this type of relationship (monster in law) in my life but I have learned to dance with that dragon.

Good luck!!!!!!!

Answer 2

Your in-laws as addicts...that is what alcholism is..and in their eyes they aren't doing anything wrong. Nothing with them will change unless they want to change it...and since it sounds as if this has been going on for many years, that is highly unlikely. Move out as soon as you can. Your husband should consider joining a support group for the children of alcaholics. This will help him realize that he can not change his parents and that he must take control of his life. It will also help him devise a way to tell them how he feels and what the consequences of thier continued behavior will be. That is when it should be made perfectly clear that if they wish to see thier grandchild, they will need to come to your house, that no smoking or drinking will be allowed in the house (and that means being sure there is no beer in the house when they come by to visit) and that if they come to the house drunk, they will not be allowed inside. At that point, they may either decide to try and get help...and that may take time and lots of support...or they may say to hell with all of you and go home to keep drinking. Again, being involved with support groups will help you and your husband no matter what the outcome. Congratulations on your new home, your baby and for wanting to be sure your child is safe.

Answer 3

You know, the best thing is that you know what's best...obviously. They are disrespectful, and for that reason, there isn't much you can do. Just remember, you can only control your own. So keep up the good judgement, and stay away from them as much as you can. When you are at a family function, just walk away when they smoke, etc. I would not let them babysit, but don't come out and say it, just always have a "plan" for what to say. And the rule is, they cannot smoke in your house. Control only what you can control. In-laws by nature are annoying! lol! :) Good luck!

Answer 4

Just tell them exactly how you feel...no matter what you say more then likely they will be offended and get mad. If they get mad just let them get mad. It took me a long time to learn this lesson that you just can not make everyone happy no matter what. Tell them that you don't care if they sit there and slowly kill themselves and that you would care not to have to suffer too. If their house is that nasty as you say then I would not let my child stay there...tell them if they dont clean up and swear not to smoke around their child then the child will not stay with them alone...period. I had to do this with some of my family members and the only time they see their grandson is if I am present at all times...they just have done some things in the past that I do not agree with and do not want my child to be raised around. Let them know that you are this childs mother and it is your number one priority to keep this baby safe no matter what. If that means them not seeing him then so be it. I find it selfish of them not to stop smoking around you or at least be decent and smoke outside whether it is their house or not while you were there. Do they smoke in your house if they visit? I cringe everytime my parents hold my son because they smoke like crazy (and it is really stinky cigs too) and they always smell like it and they hold him up to their chest and its like gross...if I can breathe in way over here imagine him breathing it in right there! They do however respect our wishes about not smoking around him though because they know that if they do not abide by what we say and how we want our child raised then they just will not see him until they do...point blank. Him being safe and healthy is far above all of that. Hope thishelps...just be honest and do not be afraid to make them mad.

Answer 5

Typically, you should let a lot of that go, for the obvious reason that you are in their house.

However, the importance of your and the baby's health far outweighs the obligation to be polite. Your responsibility is to your baby, not your in-laws. Your husband's responsibilities are to you and the baby as well.

Have your husband (not you) talk with his parents to let them know what your concerns are and ask that they respect your wife and their grandchild enough to change their behavior, particularly they smoking.

Of course, since it's their home, especially if you're not paying any rent or bills, they can refuse. It's not a nice thing to do, but it is their right. If that's the case, you and your husband need to crunch numbers and get your own place, even if it's a very small, smoke-free apartment.

Answer 6

The first answer was a good one. Itis a shame you had to stay there that long, as the child, & you are & have been getting the second hand smoke for 3 months. Let them visit, & smoke outside & never leave a baby in such conditions! It is a shame, but until they realize they have a problem & address it, they will not be reliable family members to leave a child in their care.

Answer 7

Just be honest and to the point (don't get emotional or the drama will ratchet up and you don't need that, these people don't sound entirely stable). Just tell them that once the baby is born, they may come to your house but ONLY smoke outdoors and may not handle the baby when they have been drinking to excess. Tell them you will not bring the baby to their house because of the medical facts about inhaling second hand smoke. Finally, tell them that until they get their drinking under control, you will not leave your baby with them.

They will be upset. You can "apologize" by saying, "I'm sorry that this has upset you but I must look out int he best interst of the baby. You are welcome at our house when you want to see him as I want him to know and love his grandparents".

Good luck-
DN

Answer 8

Get out while you can that's ALL there is to it. As far as confronting them, you need to do it while you can... I live with my inlaws and I am pregnant and expecting (today!) and I understand how you feel as far as disagreeing. I mean, I thought barking loud dogs, dirty dishes, and slobish brother (my husbands house that we live at) was bad, but now that I read that they are blowing smoke in your face is absolutely nuts! You need to stand your ground whether its your house or not, dont be a pushover like myself and not say how you feel. When you live with somebody else, though, just remember that u will always disagree with somethin! Good luck

Answer 9

Move out.

Get to your own house.

Once in your house, your rules count.
Rule 1. Guests adhere to the rules of the house.
Rule 2. No smoking.
Rule 3. No drinking.

Anybody who does not adhere to the rules is not behaving like a guest.
Therefore they are no longer treated like one.
Instead they get the treatment reserved for door-to-door salesmen: Keep the door closed, don't let them enter, don't argue (!!), simply repeat that they don't get in.

If you give in, you're a doormat.
If you stand firm, they understand you really mean it - and they can make their own choices about you and your rules.

Don't bother with the hurt feelings of chainsmoking alcoholics. Their hurt feelings are a DIRECT result of their behaviour, no matter who they choose to blame for it.

Answer 10

You and me are in the same boat sweetheart except for the smoking. Just the drinking. My son is the first born Grand child 12 generation, and my daughter is the second born. Both times that our babies were born my inlaws didn't come to see us in the hospital OR come to our house to see our babies. I had to drive being sore from giving birth, bleeding, etc...to let my inlaws see our daughter!! Before my son turned 18 months he never saw his grandparents more than 10 times. Our daughter has seen them about 5 times and she is 14 months. They went off to Jamacia when our son was born! They didn't even bother to see our daughter when she was born! I don't know why, but me being the daughter in law, not the daughter went to the hospital to see my father in law after his hip replacement! His other son and daughter in law didn't even call to see how he was doing!!

Girl, what I am doing right now, is giving up on them. After four years of knowing them, they are not worth it. They don't deserve to see my children. They can't respect my husband, or even care what we go through. They won't stop smoking or drinking, since they are "adults". It's not good for your child to see his. Don't tell her how bad your inlaws are, let her see it for herself. If they must see him tell them that the smoking is not healthy for your child and they need to respect that. One time I called Social Services on my sister's ex fiance, his mother, and father. They were ordered to clean the house and maintain it. They are chain smoking monkeys too. My niece and nephew smell like smoke all the time and you can tell they have been around it, their skin is pale and hair dry. My nephew was born as an austic child because my sister's smoke level affected the baby. You can offer to help clean the house with them before you let the baby over to motivate them. Or get someone to call social services to tell them it's unlivabe for children. Good luck, and what I am doing right now, is not answering the phone calls or requests to see our son, just our son, not our daughter..haha. You both are better off without them. It'll hurt your hubby, but he is going to have his own family now, and he needs to make the right choice and protect his family. Good Luck!!