My boyfriend and I had a tough time about a month ago where we nearly broke everything off because I wanted more children and he didn't. We sorted it out and we agreed that we would have kids someday, but only when he was ready.
I have a 14-month-old daughter and he used to be really uncomfortable around her, but he seems to be getting a little better with her each time he sees her. When we're over at his place she follows him around his apartment and walks under his legs. Sometimes he asks about her and wants to make sure I'm taking care of her. I tease him about it and he brushes it off saying he still isn't ready to be a dad, but I can see him growing into the role a tiny bit day by day.
He's not her biological father and her dad is still involved in her life as well. My question is, as my daughter gets older, I want my boyfriend to have a say in what happens with her education and raising. Is that possible, since we don't want to get married/aren't living together?
2007-06-01 02:37:57 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I am my daughter's mother, I don't rely on others to make decisions, I make them myself, and I don't just let random guys boss me around about my daughter's welfare. It's an insult to me.
This man has been my friend for 2 years, he is a very kind and caring person who doesn't overstep his bounds. I didn't just pick him off the street.
I was asking...when she is OLDER...and when he is READY to be a father....is it all right for him to help with decisions?
2007-06-01 03:02:13 · update #1
its possible if it is something he wants. Don't push it on him trust me he will develop feelings for her on his own time, its inevitable. however if you push her or having kids on him before he is ready to you'll lose him. let them develop their own relationship on their own. and when he's ready to have his own kids he will let you know.
2007-06-01 02:42:27 · answer #1 · answered by whitebeanner 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Until you and your boyfriend are married, the only two people that really should be making decisions regarding your daughter are you and her father. If you and your boyfriend eventually get married, then at that point he should weigh-in on some of the decisions because he will officially be part of the family, contributing financially and emotionally, plus he will be her step-father. He is a human being, so he will develop an attachment to your daughter just from being around her a lot. This does NOT mean that he is "growing" into accepting fatherhood. Even though you guys sorted things out for now (he doesn't want to lose you), he has told you that he does not want more children and is not ready to be a father, so try not to get hope from these things that most decent human beings would do. Do not think that you are successfully converting him..It may take a long time for him to get "ready", and honestly, he may NEVER be ready. Anyway, I know I'm addressing something you did not ask about, but your 14-month old sounds precious and I would just hate for her to get hurt by this relationship. Take care.
2007-06-01 03:15:15 · answer #2 · answered by julesl68 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am in that same situation. My daughter is 4 1/2 and I've been with my boyfriend since she was 2 1/2. He is extremely good with her and they've taken to eachother quite well. My daughter adores him. My daughter's dad is still involved but he's absolute trash and doesn't try to raise her very well. I want my boyfriend to be able to have as say as you do. His stance on it is that he likes my daughter, wants the best for her, thinks I'm a great mom and her dad is rotten but the fact of the matter is, is that she already has a dad in her life and he doesn't want to be another person telling her what to do. But he has said that if I would like him to be more involved then he will because we are a family. I think it is your choice what say you would like him to have as well as him agreeing to it and being comfortable taking a more active role in your daughter's upbringing. Technically the only legal way he could be a "father" to her is by adoption, but the biological father would have to sign off on it saying it's ok I believe. And just keep in mind too that while you may think he is easing into the idea of being a dad and having kids around, you really can't push a kid on a guy. Especially when it's not theirs to begin with. But yes to answer your question, if you both agree to it, yes he can help you decide her education and raising, especially if you are the resident parent. If your daughter primarily lives with you you should be able to pick the school.
2007-06-01 03:05:30 · answer #3 · answered by hemlers_girl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that you and her dad are very well capable for the time being to make those choices for your daughter because from reading what you have written it doesn't seem like he want's that responsibility right now. I would just focus on your daughter right now and what good decisions you can make for her yourself. I wonder why you would want him making choices for your daughters life when you two don't seem that commited to each other..you don't ever want to get married which is your own choice but you don't even live together so it makes little sense to me to have him making choices when it seems that he is kind of uncomfortable with just having your daughter around at all. Your Daughter needs a stable enviroment and that will be you at this time..don't throw him into the mix as a serious descion maker/stepdad when he obviously isn't ready. Give it time and make sure he proves to you and your daughter he want's to be there for you the way you want him to be. Honestly I think you need to focus on if the relationship will make it at all because of difference in life goals such as the having kid's issue. I don't think he's ready for what you are and will eventually bolt and then it leaves you to pick up the pieces and explain the absence of this man you wanted to be a decision maker/ stepdaddy. All I'm saying is be very careful. If he didn't take to your most prized possesion.. your daughter right away then he isn't worth waiting on and defintly not worthy of decion making. He may have gotten a little better with her but I don't think that's good enough!
2007-06-01 02:59:59 · answer #4 · answered by Jennifer W 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think your question shows a great deal of trust that you have in your boyfriend. I think whether he wants to be an authority figure to your daughter or not, if the relationship continues, and as she gets older, he will be seen as an authority figure. I'm not so sure about whether or not he should be disciplining your child. This is where things get a bit tricky. Just for a minute, put yourself in your daughters father's position. Would you want another man spanking your child? Or for that matter, disciplining her maybe in a different way that you may not necessarily agree with?
With regards to her education, and raising... Even though you may ultimately choose this boyfriend as your life partner, if your daughters father is still involved in her life, wouldn't it be more appropriate to be discussing with him options regarding raising her and educating her? You don't have to like him, or even agree with him... But shouldn't he really have a larger say in the matter than your current boyfriend?
Maybe I'm wrong. I just think that in so many cases a single mother will make her own decisions based on what she thinks is right, or fair, and after consulting with whomever she believes to be appropriate, but not always offering the courtesy of consulting the father of the child on potentially life changing decisions.
2007-06-01 03:51:25 · answer #5 · answered by loving father 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is tough because there are so many factors involved. I think he should only be involved the way you are suggesting if and when the two of you get married and he becomes a permanant part of your daughter's life. If he is willing to raise her as his own, then he should have a right to have a say in her life. The most important thing is that the two of you work out these things before hand. And never argue in front of her about her discipline.
My husband and I were raised so very differently and we don't agree on parenting. I wish we had gone to counseling before we got married...that might have made a difference. You need to see a professional counselor or a pastor etc... who can anticipate difficulties that might arise so that the two of you can discuss how you feel about it before you get married or he becomes an important part in her life.
If, ya'll are already on the same page, then counseling will bring that out...but if there are discrepancies, then maybe the two of you can work through them or decided that you can't...but wouldn't you want to know that before you get into something too difficult to get out of?
I'm sorry to sound pessimistic. That isn't my intent. Just make wise choices based on intellect not "love".
Good Luck!
2007-06-01 02:50:55 · answer #6 · answered by smile 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know what ? I hate to be the bearer of bad news...but, I really do not have a good feeling regarding your guy here!
Are you sure it has to be him? He sounds VERY immature to me! Just a hunch from what you wrote here! I have to go with this...because for me...it also sounds like a huge red flag!!!!
You really need to get to know him...and do not push him into the fatherhood role, however much you like him...some fellas just don't want to be pushed or coerced or tricked etc....
Please hear what I am saying to you! I am being very ,very serious! I would rather that you had found the right guy, than to marry or live with a fella that might lose his temper..for perhaps a reason of "why did I ever get sucked into this with her" kind of lifestyle...you really do not want for him to blame you, later! Please, listen...and think about what you are doing...because it isn't JUST your life that you will be affecting...it is the lives of your children....they look up to the older ones...meaning you...the ones that teach them things..
Look at what could happen...(You mentioned that he wasn't all that comfy with your daughter...and you cannot push this to happen sooner! I know that you like him...but, think about this very, very seriously! This is sooo important!!!)
I think that you could do a lot better...personally...because something is telling me that this is soooo not such a great guy for you! You deserve a better love in your life...I wish I didn't have to feel this..but, I honestly do...but, if you decide to stay...I think that since you are the mom of the kids that you had....(and he isn't the father...then you are THE BOSS of your own kids....) but, if you and he had a child together or more kids together..then, yeah, he should be helping you out big time here!
I am married to a guy who has four kids...two are younger..and two are older...the two younger ones...he is in charge of(they are all his, from other marriages!) I help out...but, I am NOT their mom, or their father!
I see it this way...that HE is the boss over them...while it is okay for me to say to them some things...(which I have, out of concern and respect for all of them) I also keep my mouth shut...he is THEIR dad!! I don't view myself as their "step-mom" although technically I am...but, I pull back and let him do the parenting!
However if I were to have kids with him then both of us, are in charge!
That is the way that I see this..and I was also a step-kid myself...so I have seen this , this way since I was very young too! I think that my mom should have been the disiplinarian, and not my" soon to be step-dad "and or later "step dad"...My mom was MY parent...for us...but, she did let him tell us what to do..and I really did not ever agree to this! I still believe the way that I do! (But, every situation IS different....however...Please, step up to the plate...and be the mom...your kids that you had with another person will respect you a lot more...that is what I truly believe! I think not only will they respect you...but, the love will be sooo much stronger too!Good luck! I hope everything turns out well for ALL of you!
2007-06-01 02:57:26 · answer #7 · answered by ladyk 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I could understand he having "somewhat" of a say when it comes to crictism whether good or bad. However your daughter's father is still invovled. That, i think, would stir up confusion and distain with "your" childs father. If your childs father says one thing and your boyfriend says another, you need to go with what the child's father is saying. Now if it isn't in the childs best interest you as the mother need to consider the option. Not a man who you don't know for sure is going to be around. You see alot of cases where the woman has let the man in her life, who isn't the father take lead, and things have turned awful. Stay in your place as a mother and let him be involved in the childs life as is---a friend. She has a father already.
2007-06-01 02:47:49 · answer #8 · answered by jozy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can take advice from anyone you want in life, with regards to your child. The final decisions, though, are between yourself & the child's father.
I'm not divorced myself, but I am a mother and a stepmother. I also know quite a few parents who are no longer in a relationship with their child's other parent. And, all of them, including my husband when we were dating, have said that 'not liking my kid' is a deal-breaker in a relationship. Their responsibility to have positive people in their child's life & their responsibility to their child, comes before their desire for a nice relationship. So, what I'm wondering, is how can you, as a mother, even be in a relationship with someone who, it seems, would rather your daughter didn't exist?
2007-06-01 04:19:12 · answer #9 · answered by Maureen 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes it is possible as long as the end result is a good thing for your daughter. You should be proud of him that he wants to be involved in your daughter's life, cause there aren't that many men out there that would be. Instead of teasing him, tell him how cute they look together. He might fall into the role faster if you showed him how well he fits into it, instead of teasing him about it.
2007-06-01 02:47:47 · answer #10 · answered by cinnatigg 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it is s good idea to let him make choices that have to do with the child. my bf helps me with my kids all the time and they now call him daddy even thought there father still is around adn sees them once in a while. He is ok with it. If you want the child to respect him when she gets older you need to let him have a hand in raising her now if he would like. Because if they see he is helping raise them and is helping her learn right from wrong now she will grow to respect him and there wont be none of that you aint my daddy crap becuase there will already be a relationship there. Good luck
2007-06-01 02:48:27 · answer #11 · answered by superthunda 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋