I am 23 years old, I have two children and just got out of a six year relationship. I have been ready to move on for quite sometime, but having two children seems to scare men off...help!
2007-05-31 18:57:42 · 36 answers · asked by aihsacak 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
This is certainly question worth answering , but I am going to speak totally honestly here, even if it may not be something you want to hear.
"MEN" don't generally dig on raising another man's kids. it's kinda that simple. And you can't really blame them for that or be terribly surprised about it.
It is VERY COMMON for women to be ATTRACTED to men that MAY JUST BE THE WRONG type of guy for long term relationships and the kind who may not be best suited for the responsibility of having / raising children.
Noone "chooses" whom they are attracted to. No woman can "talk herself OUT OF" or "talk herself INTO" feeling a gut-level attraction for any guy. And I KNOW you know what I am talking about here.
Simply put -->> ATTRACTION is nature's way of convincing the mind and body to want to MATE with someone with good genes.
Furthermore, while you did not consciously CHOOSE to want to mate with the guy you were attracted to, BUT!! you DID choose to get pregnant and have the child.
TWICE.
The men you meet are FULLY AWARE of this choice you made. TWICE.
Its no wonder you have been "ready to move on" because that's what ALOT of women do. Your situation is a classic example.
As far as women are concerned, men fall into either one of TWO categories. THE LOVER type. And the PROVIDER type. Almost immediately , when a woman meets a guy, she is able to "detect" exactly what kind of guy he is and which "CATEGORY" of man she will slot him into.
THE LOVER is a guy she is usually instantly attracted to, can't seem to get out of her mind and and feels a gut-level attraction for. Most of the time she doesn't understand why or even ASK herself why. And there is very little she can do to feel differently since ATTRACTION IS NOT A CHOICE... and the fact that he may very well be the WRONG type of guy for her "on paper", she is drawn to him.
THE PROVIDER is the kind of guy who goes out of his way to let her know that he will always be there for her, he will shower her in compliments, adoration, run after her with flowers, offer to "take her out" all the time and extend her every possible courtesy including offering his undying friendship and devotion..... even if she is not REMOTELY attracted to him and has done nothing to really EARN IT. HE will wonder WHY - with all of his efforts - she STILL does not FEEL IT for him no matter how GREAT a guy he appears to be "on paper".... and how hard he tries. Women NEVER feel a true ATTRACTION for this kind of man who sends her WUSSY BOY RADAR going off like a fire alarm.
What "scares men off" is not that you have children. the reason is more complex than that. You are 23 (only legal drinking age for 2 years) and already have 2 kids. The kind of man who would suit you BEST right now is not the LOVER.... but the PROVIDER. A man who is willing and able to provide stability and a sense of security, who will be there when times are tough and stand by to protect you and your children. Its hardwired into you.
This is the kind of man YOU WOULD CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE and PREFER, but I am afraid that kind of man would NOT consciously prefer YOU. Even THOSE men want to be the LOVER to a woman who feels genuine attraction for him. They would rather find a relationship with a woman who more closely resembles THAT - even if it means being single for many years longer - than to jump into PROVIDER status which doesn't ever afford them the opportunity.
PARTICULARLY if your kids are still young and require most of your attention. The men in your life want your devotion and attention TOO. And to get involved with a women with two young children means he has to take a back seat to them in almost every situation. Men are not so quick to place themselves in this situation especially while trying to develop a strong base relationship with YOU. Which is perfectly understandable not matter from which perspective you look at it.
Wanting to move on after you have found a mate to father your children happens in the animal kingdom all the TIME. Every watch the discovery channel?? Humans are no different and FEMALE humans are no exception.
While the "provider" man may eventually come along and freely offer the characteristics your previous man couldn't or wouldn't, or wasn't capable of.... you must acknowledge and understand why men are biologically less willing to step into that role than you would have yourself believe.
2007-05-31 19:44:11 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No way! True, two children is a very big responsibility for a man to take on. but, it can be done. As far as the fact that you're a mother of 2 scaring them off, let them run and run far away - they're just afraid that they'll have to grow up themselves in order to be a good role model - and besides, in that case, you've already got 2, why need a "grown up kid"?
My mother had 2 children under 4 when her and my dad got together. He adopted both of us and has given us a far better life, her included, than what we could have otehrwise had. Even after her death nearly 2 years ago, he has been there for my brother and I through everything.
When you find the one who is truly right, you'll know it. Don't get discouraged, there are some good men left :)
2007-05-31 20:25:55 · answer #2 · answered by lilbeamlover 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi! If you've just come out of a six year relationship first of all you need time to not only heal yourself but more so your children. If any man is scared off by your having two children then do you think they were worth it to begin with? Probably not. I didn't mean that crudely. When you meet someone, let them know you have children........if they seemed turned off then screw them, look elsewhere. If you meet someone and the idea of your having children doesn't frighten them off, then once you get to know them for a while, then they can meet your children but that shouldn't be for a long time. Your children's view of you is priceless don't waste it on men that won't stick around. Make sure they are even worth meeting your children........after all they come first. When God feels you are ready for someone new, and probably when you least expect it......he will send you your partner, worthy of not only you but especially your children. Good luck!
2007-05-31 19:06:43 · answer #3 · answered by steracrudy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, you're 23 . . . most men your age have no children and don't fancy the idea of raising someone else's mistakes. I'm 22, and I seriously doubt I'd date someone with children for a long time. I think you may have to find a single father to date, or else an older guy. You'll just have to look harder . . . your dating life isn't over. Good luck!
Aside: I find it so asinine of people to put down all men who don't want to care for women with children from other relationships. It's not our fault. If I had children already, then I would definitely consider it . . . but why should I have to pay for someone else's mistakes, to raise someone else's children, when I've been responsible and not had children on my own? It would be hard for me to not feel like a meal ticket in that situation.
2007-05-31 19:04:25 · answer #4 · answered by anonymous 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your young and there are plenty of young men out there. Don't give up just because of one or two jerks. You do have to consider your children first and it will be difficult to find Mr. Right, but don't jump from the fire to the frying pan.
Get your life in order, Get a career going, plan your life out for just you and the kids. Then if someone comes along you can ad him to the plan. Just go out sometimes with adult friends, at least once a week, so you don't end up talking like your son or daughter.
If those men are scared off you are very lucky, what kind of husband would that make. Would he run off for every other situation that required commitment anyway? There are just as many divorced men as there are women. Fathers as well as mother. Right It just takes time. Get interested in other things.
And I do know how hard it is. I have been there 3 times. One husband died, but it left me just as lost and lonely , as the 2 before that I divorced. We weren't at all like the Brady Bunch. More like the phsyco bunch. My first husband left me for a younger model. Don't jump into another marriage, before you adjust to being alone, those marriages don't work out. The kids will not adjust well to the new family either. It's better to save the marriage plans for after the kids leave the nest.
But you can have an adult relationship for years if you meet the right one. That was my 3rd husband, but after 15 years, he died. Some people are very lucky in love and some are not. You're not alone out there join a group of girls doing what ever it is you like to do. I started a divorcee bowling league, and we went out together every Thursday night, and had a ball for years. Get out there and LIVE, make it fun. Choose to be happy anyway and you will be.
2007-05-31 19:33:08 · answer #5 · answered by Cassy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you're young and you've had a relationship that started when you were 17 years old. Does this make you an expert in relationships?? Probably not. It's not meant as an insult, but if you think that you can't find a quality man with those circumstances, than it shows you are not experienced in finding quality men. If anything you're gonna' scare away the bad guys right off the bat. It's the ones who love ALL of you (that would be you and your children) that are quality.
2007-05-31 19:01:51 · answer #6 · answered by christie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay, you're not going to like this, but, you don't have a life until your precious children are raised and on their own. Yep, you heard me right. And, in your picture you look like you're advertising your sexuality. Stop it! Get some self-esteem. Concentrate on those two little ones and raising them the best you can. I hope you have a job. If you do, when do you have the time to cat about? Work and home and kids, that's your life for now. If you don't like it, then why the H*** did you have kids? Just out of a relationship and looking to get back into another? Those poor kids. Men will be in and out of their lives live a revolving door if you don't get yourself together, take seriously your responsibilities of raising your children, and do what's right and good and healthy for your kids. You'll still be young when the kids are grown. Now you need to settle down and settle in for motherhood, you have no choices anymore. Those kids deserve your undivided attention and love and nurturing. You made the choices, now be a woman and do what's right.
2007-05-31 19:14:09 · answer #7 · answered by gma 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You are 23 years old.....heck no your dating life isn't over. If having two children scare them off they aren't the men you want in your life anyway. You and your kids are a packaged deal! Don't give up hope, you're young and have a lot of time for dating!
2007-05-31 19:03:03 · answer #8 · answered by K.T. 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Right now focusing on your children and getting to know what you want out of life is the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids. I am reading a book from the library called Better Single Than Sorry and it is very helpful because it reinforces what I already know. I am 28 years old and single, but moving on for me is being happy in my life whether I have a man or not. If you do decide to date you might want to hold off on introducing your dates to your children because they can become attached and sad when it does not work out. Best of luck and keep it light and fun. You are the most important person in your children's life.
2007-05-31 19:02:09 · answer #9 · answered by ? 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am 23 as well, and several of my friends have children. Dating can be hard, and yes, many people can be judgemental. Just let the guys know in advance. Bring up your children in conversations and see how they react. There are still good men out there! Just remember, at our age, guys (in general) are not thinking about being a father....If you like older men (even 5 years older), look into that...Good luck!
2007-05-31 19:00:54 · answer #10 · answered by Serenity 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Worry about your kids for a while. They will bring you more joy than any man. After they are grown a bit, think more about your own needs. Any man in touch with his senses will realize that a strong young woman able of caring for two young children is a vibrant and attractive woman worth caring for. You have nothing to worry about in terms of your future love life... just keep positive and everything will fall into place with time. (And don't forget, men may come and go, but the love of your children lasts forever)
2007-05-31 19:02:46 · answer #11 · answered by oneprocrastinator 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋