He just graduated from high school. His grades are very average and so he must attend the local 2year college before he transfers to university for his bachelor's degree. We are insisting he pay for the jr. college up front and we will reimburse him based on his grades (x amount for an A, x amount for a B and so on...). That way he will be motivated to do well if he wants his money. THe other reason is that he is a "party-er". Most teens think this is a rite of passage to drink under 21,etc. However, we still have a younger teen at home...
and he needs to abide by the house rules (regardless).
If he does not live by the rules - we want him to live - has anyone done this with their young adult and how did it work out? Thanks.
2007-05-31 16:01:12 · 9 answers · asked by what's up? 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
should read "we want him to leave".
2007-05-31 16:02:12 · update #1
We are not collecting his money for college - he is paying it direct to the college up front. We are reimburising him based on his grades.
2007-05-31 16:09:05 · update #2
and he's allowed to live here free as long as he abides by our rules...which he's refusing to do.
2007-05-31 16:09:53 · update #3
If you feel that some of the rules can be altered , maybe all of you can find a compromise that can be lived by with a little give & take. If not ,you have set the boundaries , the rules are the rules he cant follow them he should leave . He wouldnt be the first 18 yr old that moved out & survived. At that age they want to be dependently independent, which is impossible henceforth conflict.
Its simple, follow the rules or leave. Respect my house & me. Dont be a bad example to your sibling. Tough love is necessary when they refused to comply with simple requests. Just let him know you still love him but the terms of him staying there still stick, if he can't follow them he has to go, its his choice to stay or leave. Good luck.
2007-05-31 16:27:21 · answer #1 · answered by Sue 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you're totally fair and sensible. The contract is a great idea. Just remind him that he's an adult and has to take some responsibility for his actions. Tell him that if you were sharing with any other adult, this is the minimum standard of behaviour you would expect. Don't make arguments about his selfishness of being an ungrateful child, make them about him not being adult about his responsibilities. Maybe you could go further with the deal if things work out OK, sitting down with him and drawing up a household budget and pointing out how much money he would need to earn if he lived by himself or even shared with others. If he's not working, make him contribute in a more substantial way by giving him responsibility for something that affects everyone, such as the family shopping. It might make him aware how much it costs to maintain the family. Don't worry, you sound like great parents and he'll grow up eventually. Good luck!
2016-04-01 08:13:07 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I admire your plan. I feel that community colleges are excellent choices since too many unprepared 18 year olds go far away when not prepared for the social drinking among other changes at University. Can you and your husband take him out to a quiet dinner and discuss this calmly . Express your concern about your younger child and enlist his help in that since the younger one will look up to him. Say you want to work with him and how much faith you have in him . Point out some goals in several years that he will reach and be happy for ( a car, a place of his own etc) . You are good parents. Know that and play on his helping you and IF he does, he will be rewarded. I am so impressed that he even has the up front money to pay for local college since few 18yr olds do so you must be doing something right!!!! This is a tough time for ALL of you.....Im betting on kindness , concern and Love to get you through
2007-05-31 16:22:43 · answer #3 · answered by barthebear 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The grade thing seems harsh, it really depends on the school. For example I was over a 4.0 in HS in all AP classes but in college its so different with curves, I got a few C's (not for lack of trying, studying, office hours and everything) but grading in college is alot harsher than HS.
The rules thing I understand. I'm lucky in the fact that I'm the youngest so basically we dont really have many rules anymore (we're only home for summer). Be firm about it, you do have a younger child to worry about. It's time to understand life and since he's not getting the dorm experience of living on his own and that responsibility he needs to learn it another way, like having consequences for his actions1
Good luck1
2007-05-31 16:15:52 · answer #4 · answered by texas hearts 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds to me like you have a very reasonable plan.
If he refuses to follow the rules, give him a little notice to find a new place, then change the locks if you think you need to.
He is legally an adult and he needs to be treated like one. This is how you would treat an adult that didn't respect the house rules; do the same with him.
It will no doubt be hard if you have to force him out, but it will give him a chance to become a man.
I had to make my daughter move out because her behavior became intolerable; I couldn't subject myself or the younger children to it. I knew she could take care of herself if she had to. For a year afterward, she barely communicated with me, but now she's working and going to school and acting a lot more friendly. It was painful for both of us. But it's looking better now.
2007-05-31 17:09:53 · answer #5 · answered by The First Dragon 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think taking his money and then reimbursing him based on grades is a fair way to do things. College classes are all very different. Some are very easy and some are very hard, it can depend on the prof. as well.
However, I do think its acceptable to leave "room and board" free as long as it keeps a 2.5 and has absolutely no alcohol (he will probably crash at someone's house if he does this way...rather than trying to drive home), especially in your house.
2007-05-31 16:06:00 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
stick by your house rules abide or get out. they wake up and smell coffee eventually. some kids have to learn the hard way . dont feel guilty think about the example you setting for the younger one. my 6 year love having to herself without the fussing with the older ones 21 and 18 who by the way dont live at home
2007-05-31 16:15:52 · answer #7 · answered by yasten69 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are being more than fair. Kids don't appreciate anything unless they have to earn it. I don't think I would reimburse all of his money, I would only reimburse half. He needs to take some responsibility for his education as well. I think you have a great plan for him and if he chooses not to follow through then you don't lose out.
Way to go! More parents should care as much as you do!
2007-05-31 16:15:22 · answer #8 · answered by az_mommma 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Mom,
Tough love ... these are the house rules .... you live by them or leave ... and yes... your 18 now and if you don't follow the rules you gotta go.
If he balkes about it ... evict him and buy him the best refrigerator box money can buy ....tell him to pack his stuff carefully in the box and have a great day!
Kids can be trying ..... you may not win the battle, but you dare not loose ... just survive!
2007-05-31 16:09:58 · answer #9 · answered by John 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋