I was used to having the guys always pay for dinner, etc. This guy I am dating now - is really nice and I enjoy his company a lot - except that he thinks that going dutch is a good idea. But then again, if he asked me out to say, the movies and dinner, wouldn't that mean he has money to pay for it? What do you guys think? Is there a polite way to tell a guy when he asks you out - that you have no money for the date, and that he should shoulder the bill?
2007-05-31 09:28:46 · 24 answers · asked by Wanna 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
CRAZY! I think you are my best friend. She is always in this situation and can't figure out why I'm never in this situation.
The people who say you should tell him you are broke...I completely disagree. If we aren't in the stage in a relationship where he tells me his salary, it's none of his business how much I have in my bank account. We aren't at that stage yet--so its none of his business if you can afford it.
After the 1st or maybe 2nd time it happened I would very politely explain--
I'd love to get up with you on Tues night but I really can't see you Fri b/c my w/es are date nights.
If he says something about dating--look really innocent and explain "OMG I'm so sorry. Since we were going dutch each time, I assumed you just wanted to be friends. I've never paid on a date before--so I thought you were giving me a hint!"
I'm serious. I have had a conversation about this not too long ago. My best friend never has a date PAY. She always ends up going dutch. I was explaining this and every single guy I know (there were 5 in the car at that moment) agree that if the guy doesn't pay--it isn't a date. They always pay on dates.
Honestly some people say that is gold digging. No. I've had hundreds of very cheap dates. I've had guys ask me out to free concerts in the park. They bought me a coke to drink. I've had guys invite me to dinner when all they could afford was mac n cheese. Most cities have an independent newspaper that lists all sorts of free activities in the local area. I've had more dates than I can count to the $1.50 theater.
If he can't afford to take you out, he should stop picking expensive (and not the slightest bit creative) dates. Simple as that. You can't "hang out" with him that often on prime date nights. After all--a date where the guy is not "courting" you is not a date. It is a friendship. It shouldn't be an issue of If you have the money or not.
I've known many relationships where the girl made more money and after the first few dates (about 2 months of dating) the girl started paying for every other date.
The ritual of courtship-a guy having to chase, and woo a woman-is being lost. Women are accepting the mundane. How can you expect him to meet your expectations when you continue to lower them for the guy? He doesn't have to be creative, he doesn't have to woo, he doesn't have to open doors or pay. Exactly what part of courtship is he fulfilling?
I go dutch--when I go out with my friends. If it's a date and I realize it is not going well at all and we are not going to have another one, I offer to pay for my share. But if it is a date, he needs to fulfill the basic rules. He needs to open all doors, pay for dinner, and walk me to my door.
2007-06-06 15:25:16 · answer #1 · answered by phantom_of_valkyrie 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not clear if you are asking this as a one date question or an ongoing question. You've had some great answers if it's just one date, IE, saying that you're a little short on cash this week; how about coming over for a movie night at home.
If, however, you are asking if he should be paying ALL of the time, why should he? Because you're "used to it." Not good enough. Men have budgets, too. We no longer live in the day of men making a huge amount more than a woman simply by virtue of gender. (Although it's still not at par, it's much closer than it used to be.) We no longer living in a time when men do all the asking the woman out on the date; women are allowed to ask the man out, too. Therefore, finding a way to split the bills when dating someone regularly is fair. To me, it would be the indication of someone who will be trustworthy financially in a long-term relationship.
Talk to him!!
2007-05-31 11:20:52 · answer #2 · answered by starrrrgazer 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
If you really like the guy, and he's in the same position as you, then suggest things that don't cost money. I ended up marrying the one man who didn't always shoulder the bill, love trumped money, I guess.
However unless he suggests dutch first before saying lets go to a dinner and movie, then it is assumed the one who asks will be paying for both.That's just dating etiquette.
2007-05-31 10:16:44 · answer #3 · answered by marriedw/children 3 · 3⤊ 1⤋
All you have to say is "I would love to go out with you but I'm going to be on a tight budget for a while, I'm trying to pay off my debt, or saving for a car". Whatever you decide. That way he wont expect you to pay next time either.
I expect the guy to pay most of the time, but once in a while ill pay the tab.
2007-06-06 17:17:29 · answer #4 · answered by Crazy 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he is cheap with his money, he will be cheap with other things too. As nice as he may seem, it is a forewarning of things to come. Not that men should pay all the time, but they should at least be willing to. You also should be willing to cook him a nice dinner sometimes. And for those people who think that is cheap, obviously don't cook for others often. Many times the dinner I serve for dinner parties are well over what I would spend in any restaraunt, and the time invested is worth something too.
2007-06-04 10:19:08 · answer #5 · answered by Penny K 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
This is a tough question to answer because everyone will have a different opinion. Just think about this scenario: I know of a couple (who are well over age 40) who live together. He has his own house but he stays with her in her house. He does not lift a finger around the house or outside. She does all the work. He does do his own laundry and pays for his own food and gas for his car and that is it. He uses the excuse he has allergies so that's why he can't clean in the house or do any yard work. He doesn't even shovel the snow - she does it all. When they go out, he pays for his own meal and she pays for her own meal. In my opinion, this guy is just plain cheap and using my friend but I can't say anything because she doesn't get it. Is this the kind of situation you want to end up in? I don't think so. In my opinion, if the guy expects me to pay for myself, he is just a friend and that's it.
2007-05-31 09:39:32 · answer #6 · answered by Me, Myself & I 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Honesty is the best policy. If he invites you somewhere and you cant afford it let him know. You shouldn't expect that he pays for everything for you. He may be in your same position and financially strapped. There are so many other things you two can do that do not involve a lot or even any money. i.e. tlak a walk or rent a movie.
2007-06-05 12:26:58 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Honestly, until you know each other a bit better, both of ya should just take care of your bill. And if and when the time comes that one of ya offer to pay for whatever, don't put up a fight unless the guy insists.
2007-06-04 11:39:20 · answer #8 · answered by default 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yeah you have dated a while now, you should be honest, he was with you. He told you he wants to go dutch, be honest with him and tell him that it doesn't always work for you. Maybe you could recommend alternatives to his ideas. Like renting a movie or cooking at home....
Don't just say no, come up with alternatives to the issue.
2007-06-04 13:33:17 · answer #9 · answered by Pepper 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I am of the opinion that The Lady Never Pays under any circumstances. That said, I believe you should discuss the situation with the fellow and see just where things are going.
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2007-06-06 13:33:22 · answer #10 · answered by fitzovich 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋