Stop me from making BIGGEST Mistake of my LIFE!?

Question

Oh no this is very bad.
I have written previously about a guy I know is bad for me and has too many red flags.

Still I am being swayed by this toxic boyman.
He is nearly mid 30s and his issues are as follows:
1. -Self proclaimed vanity & shallowness. He wants lipo & hair plugs even though he is more handsome than Ewan Macgeror & a young Brad Pitt.
2. - Bad with money. Cheap and an overspender.
3. - Drinks. A lot. Regularly. 4-7 times a week.
4. - Had a horrible heartbreak when his exFiancee left him before wedding. Has admitted missing her even though its been a year.
Why on earth am I being smitten by him ?
Because he says all the right sweet things and is very charming, has shown vulnerability, somehow spins his faults to sound sad and endearing, we think the same way, same humor, both want marriage/kids, same religion/politics and I find him hella hot. And then I justify liking him because I'm aware of my own faults and still think I am worthy of love, so why not him.
I AM so screwed. I just looked in the bathroom mirror and yelled at myself how f^cked I am.
And it's not that I don't have self esteem or other options. I have several really great guys who want to date me but I feel cold towards them.
I've gone out on two dates and thought about mr. toxic the whole time.
One guy kissed me and i honestly imagined mr toxic's face instead.

If one of my friends or a daughter, if I had one , told me about this guy I would freak out on them.
I'm just comforted at least that he keeps wanting to see me and I'm putting him off. But dont know how much longer I can.
Can anyone talk sense into me ?

Answer 1

This may sound a bit whacky but stay with me here...I think you should stay with him. Think about it: What's one of the most important things we all want in a mate? Unconditional Love. Okay so the guy knows he looks good and is a little shallow, big deal. The world is packed full of shallow people. Being shallow doesn't mean you're a bad person or a bad mate (Now he may not be as shallow as you think. People that are shallow very rarely show their vulnerability). So he's bad with money. Who isn't?? But guess what, you're still taken by him and that's very important. He isn't perfect (far from it) but you still like him a lot. Don't get me wrong, you'll have your ups and downs but EVERY relationship has ups and downs and we all know it.

Now as for the lipo, hairplugs and drinking...my guess is that they're all directly related to his fiance leaving him before their wedding. It's been a year...a YEAR! People breaking up takes time to get over. People getting divorced takes even more time. Breaking off an engagement is absolutely devastating and takes the longest to get over.

Here's why he does what he does:
The Drinking: I think we all know that people turn to the bottle when emotional pain is too much to bear. He told you he still misses her and believe me, he's telling the truth. I mean, he was going to MARRY this girl...he loved her that much so trust me, he is definitely still hurting

The Lipo and Hairplugs: His fiance probably gave him what she thought was a good explanation (if any) for leaving him. The trouble is, your boyfriend still has questions about why she REALLY left. Shallow people usually feel like the reason someone leaves him/her has something to do with the way they look. So to "make sure it doesn't happen again" he's talking about going to great lengths to preserve his good looks....which probably means he really cares for you but that's another conversation.

The bottom line here is that it sounds like you like him enough to stay with him. Love never makes sense. If love were based completely on logic, you'd have left a long time ago...but it isn't and that's why you've got it bad for this guy and good for you. To be honest with you, all of those red flags you mentioned can be dealt with...it won't be easy but if you feel like he's worth it, you'll fight for him.

Good luck sweetie I hope it works out

Answer 2

Judging by what you wrote you already know why he is bad for you. Listen to yourself and be strong ... you deserve better. This man definitely has ALOT of issues with himself. Somehow it often seems like the best looking people have the most issues, I guess that is because people have always treated them based on their looks and sometimes that doesn't allow for the development of good character and personality. I have great character and personality ... guess that lets you know where I fall in the attractiveness scale (hope I gave you a little smile).

You say you want someone to talk sense into you, honey that is nearly impossible when it comes to a man that for some reason wiggles himself into our hearts. Even when we know that they are bad for us and will end up causing some type of heartache for us, we just can't seem to stop.

Seriously though, the drinking alot, money issues and still possibly being hung up on his ex-fiancee really should be enough to make you run ... not walk, away from him. You write that you feel you are worthy of love so why not with him. You are worthy of love, a love that you feel confident about not one that you have to keep arguing with yourself about. If you really ... though I hope not ... feel he is the one than sit down with him and talk. Things to consider: is he really vain and shallow or just claiming that to cover up something inside himself. Why does he drink so much, is he an alcoholic, does he still function well in his life and career while drinking so much. His ex-fiancee leaving him before the wedding is tough and often leaves the relationship with no closure ... he needs to get past it somehow otherwise their will always be that "what if" in his head. You also need to consider why you feel this man is good enough for you. You say you have no self esteem issues but I think a good self esteem would definitely find this relationship unsuitable and not worthy of what you truly should have for love. I hope that your heart makes it through this situation unbroken ... good luck.

Answer 3

You're right you are screwed up. Grow up and learn how to control yourself. All I hear coming from you are excuses. You know he's a loser, why is he so irresistible? His looks? Those fade fast, especially when they are attached to an alcoholic asshole like him. Who do you think is going to be raising those kids you both want? Not him, he'll be too busy at the local bar chasing some other gullible fool. Telling her how you don't understand him the way she does. He hasn't shown you vulnerability either. he is showing you everything you want to see so he can hook you and get what he wants and then move on to the next one. You sound like you're about 18-21. Once you have experienced a little more life, you will be wise to this kind of con man.
If you decide to hook yourself to Mr. Fabulous you will learn soon enough about all his sad and endearing circumstances, because you will be dragged down with him. Then one day you will look around at your sad life and wonder what the hell happened.

Answer 4

You can't expect someone else to make up your mind for you. This is your decision.
The best advice I can give you is WAIT.
When in doubt, take more time... There have been times when I've had crushes on the wrong women, but I decided to wait and not do anything, and after a while I came to the conclusion that although there were some awesome things about this person, I found out so many negative things that I lost all attraction. Then after you're not so infatuated with the person it's much easier to make logical choices.

Also about his drinking habbit... my mother in law was married to a drunkard for something like 40 years and thought she could change him. He was sweet and did all the "right" things to sweep her off her feet, and then treated her like crap, cheated on her, kept getting her pregnant and blamed her for it, kept drinking all their money. Now at age 60 she divorced him because he decided he is gay. Here's a photo of him: http://dragandesign.ro/bruno/bruno3.jpg
(the text explains in romanian that he was too drunk to open the bottle so he broke the neck of the bottle and drank the whole bottle of vodka).
Ask yourself: "Is this what I want my man to look like?"

Answer 5

We always go for the bad guy.... remember that. Also only you can make your decision, but once your bed is made its made. I would go out and try to meet some new people... no wait I wouldn't try.. I would meet some new people. Don't get stuck with a jerk who wont treat you right and ends up using all the money you have worked hard for for something so stupid and vain as lipo and hair plugs and most important booze... do you really want any future children growing up around a father like that, or turning out to be just like him?!

Answer 6

this is about... how much am I worth... what is the best thing that could happen in my life....
will I be happy with someone who is good to me and good for me... am i feeling reckless... am I naive and believing sweet talk just to satisfy my own personal needs....
If he was left at the altar , there must be two sides to this story.. He is still not over the relationship... why on earth do you think he is ready to take on another emotional relationship....
you are feeling sorry for him. pity for him, and
unfortunately even tho the chemistry seems to be there now, cause he is new. you will grow tired of him quickly.
You will probably find he is all talk and no follow through....
I am sorry to burst your bubble, but you obviously think this battered soul needs you to help him get over her and feel better...
Wrong answer my dear...
You are a rebound, an inbetween, a substitute, cause if I can't have her .. at least I can have you... desperate is not the word here.... it is unfortunate.
You are going to open up a can of worms here and you are going to find out you are not in control of this and you will be left hurt, disappointed and totally appalled at what he will become right in front of your eyes.
I know you think you are so ready for him. unfortunately he is not emotionally ready for you or anyone else for that matter... he is stilll crying over the spilled milk...
You will probably have to experience the highs and lows, as no one can talk you out of this.. you are stubborn and determined to prove your point.
if you were standing outside the cirlce of this whole thing, you would realize that you are priming yourself for this.. not caring the outcome... you have talked yourself into it... ...
Why not someone else????????

Answer 7

Wake up dear! Wake up! Today is the day
you will not be stupid. If you have self-esteem and integrity, you will have set he bar higher and opened your heart to princes who have passion, strength, and conviction. This guy you are with cannot love you unconditionally and has a lot of baggage and demons still messing around with his character. Your time with him is borrowed and you know it. Stop making excuses for him or for you! Get a grip on your strength as a woman (which is considerable) and move ahead out from the clouds and into the sunshine.

Now, if you want, I can read you the riot act and banish you to the dog house, but I think you get my message. Good luck.

Answer 8

sounds an old familiar story. we all seem to want whats bad for us from time to time. I dont know why that is. Hes probably an nice guy but has too many issues at the minute. You are attracted to him for the right reasons but unfortunatly he has a bit more negitive side to him. Ask yourself why his G/F dumped him before the big day ! Dont get into anything with him it will screw ur head up & break ur heart. you probably have a lot of love to give thats why ur smitted with him. Save it for another guy who deserves it.

Answer 9

An old saying..."It's better to deal with the devil you know than to have to face the unknown".

You do know there is probably a list of things that you don't know of that caused his wedding to be called off, don't you?

You ARE worthy of love...but you need to let go of this rebound relationship (on his part) and start giving other guys a chance.

Answer 10

Why can't you be strong enough to walk away. This is your life. Why would you want to be with someone like him. He is most definitely still in love with the one who left him at the altar. Why do you want her leftovers.

Get some girlfriends and have some fun in your life. Leave this loser alone. There are more important things out there than looks. Sounds like that's all he has.