My mother is driving me crazy !!! She is once again trying to control every part of my life! Help!?!?!?

Question

Let me explain - my mom has always had the need to control every aspect of my life. How I should feel, what I should say, what the world sees of me. I am a married woman with 3 beautiful children that I adore. She is once again trying to sweep a situation under the carpet because she doesn't want a "smudge" on the family name. She has always been this way - but it is my time to heal and she is not respecting my wishes and needs. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Answer 1

The kind of person you are dealing with simply put is a bully. In this case her entire life revolves around her getting her way and trying to control everything in her life which includes you. If she cant do that then life is chaos to her. The urge for her is so strong that subtle hints and gentle requests wont budge her. You have to be downright in her face about it. You have to be more firm about what you want then she is about having her own way. People like her are willing to go beyond the limits of normal people to get their way and the only way to battle this is to be willing to go further than her.
That means laying down YOUR bounderies and rules so she fully understands them and that if not respect there will be a penatly. The penalty has to be something that gives her a wake up call enough to make her want to stop trying to control you.
The penalty could be to limit your contact with her or if real drastic measures are needed to cut off contact.
Im guessing she wouldnt appreciate anyone trying to control her life by telling her she cant be around you. Give her a taste of her own medicine.
And if you are worried about hurting her feelings then you might as well hand your life over to her now because they will be hurt. Hurt and pain is what makes us want to change however. Also bullies like her will use hurt and pain to further manipulate you and get her own way. Dont let her do that to you.

Answer 2

Oh Lordy, I know this scene very well. As much as I hate to say it, I can tell you from experience if she cannot respect your wishes and needs, you will have to distance yourself from her until she is ready to understand that you are a grown woman with a mind of her own. Will you ever need or want her advice? Sure, but that does not mean that you want her to run your life for you!
I would just explain to her that while you love her and you are thankful for everything she has done for you over the years, this is just something that you have got to muddle through on your own. I would also explain to her that in this day and age there is no such thing as "smudges" they went the whole way out in the 80's!
Life comes at you hard and fast and you have got to roll with the punches. Things didn't use to be the way they are now, so she is going to either catch up to the times or be patient and allow you to do what you need to do for you!
Hang in there, there are other people out here that are in the same boat as you, my Grandma raised me and I love her to death but life is no where near what it is was in the 30's and 40's! She has no clue! I talk to her but I also talk to my Aunts and friends alot to, because they have a better understanding of the everyday world!

Answer 3

I would suggest not answering the phone, no email, plainly tell her, i will contact you when i feel it's an approprate time to do so. Other wise please do not contact me. I need my space with my family.

Say nothing more.

I would also suggest if thats a bit to much, to call her once a week and say hi how are you, and if she starts in on what ever the smudge she doesn't want on the family name ( which is a bit stupid in my opinion) then say hey you know what, i have run, i'll talk to you next week and end the call how ever you do so. Be polite, and make sure you keep your space.

Answer 4

Tell her that you need some space, and if she won't respect that, then you will have to create some space between you and her. Don't answer the phone when she calls, etc. Like you said, you're a grown woman--you've grown up to be the woman she raised you to be--act as such, and this time put yourself before her feelings.

Show your independence from her by meeting your own needs. As you said, it's that you need space, not that you want space. Give yourself that space by not giving her a choice or an option. She'll realize that you won't be walked all over, and she'll begin to respect your wishes and needs.

Answer 5

You don't say what the situation is that "needs to be swept under the carpet."

that said, why do you continually try to have a close relationship with her? Do you live with her - or does she live with you?

If you live with your mother, get your own place. Even if you have to get a job and put the children in commercial daycare (not Grandma's house) it would be worth moving.

If she lives with you - then she needs to move to a retirement community where she will have friends and playmates of her own age.

then, you can easily change locks, screen calls, decline invitations, limit information you share.

But, and I speak from experience here, she can only control your life to the extent that YOU allow her to.

Answer 6

sigh... sweetie... don't allow her to control. She can only do this if you let her.
I got counselling to help me with my R with my mom. A lot of HEr controlling is learned... from HER mom. Did you know your grandma? Trust me... this is a loooooooong road you're going down.

You may have to break some strong ties here and it won't be pretty. Do NOT let her bother you. Listen, don't react, and then do what you believe is best for you and your family.

Mom may nver get it, but you can learn how to break this either through some good books - and/or with help from a women's group, from individual counselling. It's not a bad thing either. You will learn a lot about yourself and how to ensure you don't end up the same way... because... we do become our mothers.... ( and isn't the scariest thing!)

Answer 7

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. My parents used to try that with me. Although your mother probably has good intentions, she needs to realize that you're a grown adult with your own life. Try talking to her and telling her this. Tell her you appreciate her input but that it is not needed anymore. Your decisions in your life are now made by you and your husband and she needs to respect that. If that doesn't work, then I would back off from her. Not shut her out of your life, but let her know that your serious and not going to tolerate her attitude. Ignore her phonecalls and try to limit contact with her if you know that she is going to say something to upset you. Good luck.

Answer 8

First of all, recognize that you have allowed this to happen for some reason. Now, do not tell her anything about your immediate family. Change the locks and your phone number. You OWE your children FULL attention without any drama from her. She has shown that she isnt worthy of your time.

Answer 9

Run! Save yourself, she is never going to change, she knows your week points and will keep manipulating you.
This has happened to me all my life, I am a mother of two, and yet she never stops, actually its our fault, we do this to ourselves and give them the power to control us.
I am still going through this pain as I speak, and this time I have had it and I am through with her, I wish I had done this long time ago, look up my questions and you will see, we need to put an end to it, its very sad, how your own mother could do that to you.

Answer 10

As a child it was your place to respect her wishes, (as a child you spoke as a child) now as an adult u put away childish things, let ur mother know that she can't control you or the family anymore, talk to her and tell her how u feel .