With help, can my husband stop being controlling and verbally abusive?

Question

We haven't even been married for a year yet. We had an instance of physical abuse in the past, about 4 years ago, and he has claims to have taken anger management classes. He is moving to a new base very far away from where I have been living, we were preparing for the move, and I "snapped" when he told me that I couldn't see one of my friends before we left-I told him that I refuse to make the move with him. He has been demeaning to me, even in front of friends and family, and he is very controlling and manipulative. He claims that he "sees" this now, but didn't before. His father does the same things that he's been doing, but to a much greater degree, to his mother. I don't want to end up like her. He left the area in which that I've been living to pack his apartment this morning. I told him that I need "space", and that we both need professional help before we can even think about our relationship. Has anyone been in a situation like this? Can we save our marriage?

My husband is in the military. He's been like this since before we were married. I do believe that his job contributes to our problems as well as his upbringing. I have pointed out that I did not appreciate how he was treating me, but until I told him this week that I "was done", he wasn't taking me seriously. I really want to believe that this was the "wake-up call" that he needed. Right now, of course he's acting all considerate and loving and telling me what I want to hear. But, what else is he going to do, honestly. We JUST closed on a $125,000.00 house that he is financially responsible for. He got the financing for the house only because he was married. If we get divored, his allowance for housing basically gets cut in half, so there's no way that he'll be able to afford the house. So, I don't know if he's being sincere, or if he's trying to cover his hide. He needs to change for himself though. And I need to find out why I put up with this treatment from him for so long.

Thank God that we do not have kids, only a dog...lol. When we had the physical abuse situation, that resulted in the anger management session(s) while we were still dating, he was exibiting aggression with me, his mother, his father, and he was getting into verbal arguements at work. He doesn't yell and scream anymore and he hasn't physically endagered me since the situation in the past. I guess with his verbal abuse, I thought, "at least he's not really hurting me" or "It's the stress from the deployment/military"-but of course, he was hurting me, just not in the same way. It's like one problem manifested itself into another. And, I don't know if he really understands what he's doing...I just don't know if he "gets it".

Technically, I did most of the leg work for the house. I contacted the dealer, found the mortgage company and made all of the calls. We picked out the home together. And everything was put in his name because the mortgage company couldn't use any of the income that I make since I am a "temp" at my current job...and my husband's need to control everything. He doesn't like living on base because he feels that he can never escape his job and he doesn't like the fact that you're subject to inspections and basically told how to live. This fight JUST happened. My timing is horrible, but everything hit me all at once this week and I realized that there was no way that I could live happily 1000's of miles from anyone I know with a man who I have to sneak calls from in order talk to my family/friends, who is demeaning, and who makes me feel worthless. I can't trust him to be compassionate toward me...and he's supposed to love, honor, and cherish me.

Answer 1

Yes, I was. I took it for 16 years. Each year was worse then the one before. Then I snapped ! My kids had had enough to and pushed my along. I divorced him last August. But the last year of "marriage" I had him arrested several times and got an order of protection. I am a much happier person now as are my kids. I just wish I had done something sooner. I thought I was doing the right thing for my daughters by keeping their father around - I turned out to be very wrong. You are absolutely right in saying you need professional help. Even if he does not get help - you should. Please do not make a move with this person until you seek help. Please be strong. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 2

Oh hon, I feel your pain, really I do. I have been living in the same situation for almost 4 years now. My husband and I even separated for a year and it was fine when he came back but now he's been home for 4 months and he's going back to the same controlling, manipulative behavior.
I have to say though that if your husband will admit that he needs help, yes, your marriage can be saved. If he doesn't admit he needs help, there are still some things you can do for yourself. I would first recommend reading 2 books. Love Must be Tough by Dr. James Dobson and Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. These 2 books give you tools to use to get your self respect back. You do not deserve to be treated the way you are and the sooner you put boundaries in place, the closer you are to the goal - healing yourself and hopefully your marriage. See, when we allow our spouses to disrespect us over and over again, they will not change. I'm not saying that by placing boundaries with them they will automatically change because that is all up to our spouses to change but at least we will have some self respect for ourselves.
This will be a difficult road for you but know that you are not alone. Can I ask - are you a Christian? Let me tell you, I am and if I didn't have God in this difficult situation, I would have gone insane a long time ago. If you have a church you go to, go and talk to your pastor and get good Godly counsel from him. Ask for members of the church to pray for you. Prayer changes things!
The sooner you get your boundaries in place, the sooner you can help stop this abuse.
I wish you the best and feel free to reply back. I know what you're going through.

Addition -
I do have to agree with the poster (Top Contributor who has been a therapist for 20 years). She made some awesome points : Does he only get verbal with you or everyone....if it's only you, then he respects other people and not you. If you are not comfortable about moving, then don't move. That is a HUGE step to take when he's obviously not caring about your feelings on saying goodbye to your friend. What's going to happen when you move? He won't let you talk to anyone? Seriously, I would get into a therapist immediately WITH him or without him. Get this figured out before you take the leap of moving. I moved 3 hours away from my family to be with my abusive husband and I've regretted it most of the time. Even though my 'hometown' is only 3 hours away it's still difficult to get back there for some r&r.

Answer 3

I've been in a similar situation, and all I can say is, why should he change? Why should he change when his storms and battles get him what he wants? Unless there are consequences, kids don't stop throwing tantrums, and he's been taught by example that being controlling works. He saw it growing up. The only way he will change is if he hits rock bottom and there is no one left who will put up with his awful behavior, but there is always one more woman out there who will, so you're fighting a losing battle. This is him. This is who he is. He hasn't changed in 4 years. He won't change now, no matter what you do. If he seeks out counseling on his own and sticks with it for a year, then great, but I don't see that happening.

Answer 4

I hate to say this, but counseling for him will likely be a waste of time and marriage counseling may actually put you at greater risk of harm as it tends to elicit those things that he will attempt to control. I admit that there are some rare exceptions to this and a very limited few abusive men do finally recognize they have the issue, but it's rare.
His behavior is not the result of difficulty controlling his anger as I'm betting he doesn't lose it at work or with friends and peers, just with you. Intimate partner violence is about power and control and the only likely thing to impact his behavior is jail time, literally. Abusers have often been forgiven or "treated" by well-meaning people-both spouses and therapists-who really just don't get the dynamics at work here and fail to recognize that the abuse is not in actuality a mental health issue. Abusers do a great job snowing their partners and mental health professionals into believing excuses for their behavior and temporarily altering their behavior long enough to win back the partner who's become fed up. They often blame their partner for making them blow up and lose control and always fail to take responsibility for their actions and the choices they make. If you want to prove to yourself that his violence isn't really something he can't control, just ask yourself whether he gets into altercations with bosses and people at work or anyone outside you. If he doesn't, you have to recognize that it isn't because no one else ever makes him angry, it's because he knows he'll be arrested and therefore he controls his anger with others. If, on the other hand, he exhibits violence in multiple situations besides with you, he may truly have an anger management problem. You be the judge, but whatever you do, be sure you have a safety plan and make your safety and that of your children a priority (if you have kids).
My experience tells me that generally these guys WILL not change and the only answer to Domestic Violence is for the law to hold them accountable as it would if they ever behaved that way outside the intimate relationship.
Good luck and stay safe!!!!!

Added: Do get counseling individually for yourself, both to understand what attracted you to him as well as the tactics he uses to keep you in the relationship. Counseling will help you learn about the dynamics involved in power and control and the cycle of tension leading to abuse leading to remorse and the "Honeymoon Phase" (which you are currently experiencing) and back to tension (often blamed on work pressure-notice he takes it out on you, not the actual source as he knows the military will kick his **** if loses it there). The cycle tends to repeat faster and faster with time, but it always repeats. Don't worry about the house-that's his problem and a consequence of his behavior. You can sell it and have some money to start over with. Good Luck!

Added again and then I have to go to work, LOL: Just for your own peace of mind, attend a couple free victim's support groups in your area and listen to the stories and see what you think sounds familiar. Only you know what is the safest and best option for you-just please be careful as moving away will make you more isolated from family and friends and sources of support and give him more power. Take care!

Answer 5

well,yes, it's agreed that this kind of behaviour springs from fear and that with proper training he can retrain and unlearn this behaviour which he has copied from his father
you have done exactly the right thing-this is anna raeburn territory who is a consellour on talk radio here in england and she is quite strong on women' s issues
i am not saying your guy can't make it and if you check his anger management claims and find they are true it would be an indication that he is serious and even now we can see he recognises the problem;but unless he is deadly serious about tackling the problem it is likely that the behaviour will resurface and even in a more nasty form when he comes under pressure and when you are more dependent
marriage and love can be a wonderful thing and helps us to overcome great obstacles but ....

Answer 6

counselling will help. For you. In my experience, people don't change. They just become someone they are not. Then resent the person they are with for trying to change him. From your question it sounds like your husband is in the military. If so. I would say his behavior stems from not only his father but his job too. Especially if he is in any position of power. The "space" you need is good. Give him time to miss you. Their is a good song called "You don't know what you got til its gone". its very true. good luck

Answer 7

Get out of it now. It will always be there and you'll never trust his behaviour, And as far as the house why didn't he get one on base to live in for free until he knew if you were going to work out.

Answer 8

Some men for whatever reason, think that they own you when you get married...it's like the certificate, entitles them to your soul lol...if he really loves you, and wants to make it with you...you have to inform him that you will leave him unless he breaks the cycle that his father has with his mother...and tell him you will get in touch with his overhead officers...(I assume he is in the military)...good luck, anyone can change if they love you enough