I cant stand my Mother-in law What should I do?

Question

I have a Mother in law who is always in our buisness. And telling me stuff shes very insistant and demanding Lately shes been just showing up at our house without calling and yesterday she showed up all pissed off because we turn our ringer off when we dont want to be bothered so the minute I open the door she tells me in a mean voice" I called and since you dont pick up I had to come I know you are probably mad but Oh well!" and she wanted to take my son. I was upset but I told my husband to please talk to her it was drama he nicely told her to please call next time and she flipped supposedly she was missing for 12 hrs because she felt so offended. Shes always doing opposite of what I say with my 6 month old son she wants to feed him 2 jars of baby food and 3 ounces of milk in one feeding I cant take it anymore Ive talked to her its usless the other day she told me that my son looks like my other kids dad when he looks exactly like her son and you think I didnt feel upset HELP!!

I try getting along with her I feel bad because she doesnt want to see or talk to my husband because of this I just feel she needs to call because sometimes Im busy or my house is a wreck I wouldnt mind if she did it once in a while but come on 2 or 3 times a week I cant stand it am I wrong? I dont think I am

Oh and it turns out that she wasnt missing I guess they just told us that so he could worry and feel bad they involved the cousin when the cousin didnt even know what was going on

I didnt metion she takes alot and doesnt let you say a word My husband tells me she has mental issues. The issues she has are that she thinks she can run the show. He was mad at me saying hes defending me that he knows how she is that it cant be told anything because she gets hurt and cant exept the truth

I didnt metion she takes alot and doesnt let you say a word My husband tells me she has mental issues. The issues she has are that she thinks she can run the show. He was mad at me saying hes defending me that he knows how she is that it cant be told anything because she gets hurt and cant exept the truth

I meant to say TALKS alot not takes alot

Answer 1

I can't stand my mother-in-law either. I just distance myself from her. Ive talked to my husband and made it very clear to him that he needs to speak up and tell her that she cannot control the way our family operates. He has done so, and she was pissed for a while, but shes gotten better over time. Good luck.

Answer 2

You are not alone I have a similar problem. I am Chinese/Spaniard and my husband is Polish, we met in NY 4 years ago and fell in love instantly.

We moved to Denmark this year but landing in Poland first for a few months last November. Only the parents do not speak English and although I can speak little olish they are not aware of that or the fact that I understand when she talks crap about me.

She gave my husband a very difficult time while we were in Poland, calling me names and saying I was a stranger... well I guess I am for her because we do not communicate but still that doesn't give her the right to judge me.

I adore my husband but since I am a very independent, self sufficient, don't take crap kind of person. I have politely distance myself from the parents to the point were they always ask my husband what I do, where I go and what is up with me and he simply responds: I don't know, and by the way mom why do you care if she is JUST a stranger.

So there, distance is the best! I do not stop my husband in any way to be away from his mother, if she does not like me well, that is very much her problem. I marry the son to be happy and one day start a family not her...she is not a seahorse. (of course there is also the Race issue)

I chose to give it distance and it worked why, because now she knows that because of my decision she is risking the fact that if one day we decide to have a family, she will definitely not be a great part of it.

So there, give your mother in law her broom and ask her nicely to fly away!

Answer 3

I would say get this woman out of your business and fast. I know she is your husband's mother but still. She is drama incarnate. If she does not respect you and your husband enough to even feed your child the way you do, then I would not let her take the baby. She needs to be told that you turn the ringer off when you don't want to be bothered and so, she is NOT to bother you and your husband at this time. She isn't someone you can be nice to; by being nice she will just try to take over even more.

You and your husband need to set down rules now and stick to them. As long as you two are in agreement she is not going to have any choice but to comply with the boundaries you two set for her.

Answer 4

In-laws are the majority of the cause for divorce in the USA. Your husband and you need to stick together and limit your visitations and showing concern for her personal life. Some people try to gain family attention by causing personal chaos or drama in their lives and honestly, probably don't know that there is a different side in life than just this. Try ignoring the drama by not giving any feed back. Let her know it's not healthy for her to expose this to your family and develop a different relationship with her, like get involved with receipes, arts/crafts, some other hobby. It does take time so be patient. If she continues and disrepects you and your family, cut the ties - tough love. Your relationship with her will be what you make of it. Good Luck and may God be there to help guide you (really!!).

Answer 5

She's manipulative. Only one way to deal with a female like that: DON'T answer the door or phone until YOU'RE ready!! You're under no obligation to answer either---that's the beauty of paying for something like that. ;)

I had an ex MIL who used the guilt-trip and overbearing attitude to get what she wanted out of my ex. We had it out....told her to call every time before coming over. If she didn't call first, I wasn't answering the door. She could knock on the door all she wanted--didn't bother me none.
And she was to feed my child the way I did, not how she thinks it should be done.


Well things blew up, in each other's face, etc. I left her home with my kids, left her son there since he had no backbone.
It was a blissfully quiet TWO WEEKS!!! :) Wow, it was nice. She then called and asked if the kids and I could come over for dinner.....we had a better understanding of who ran the show in who's house.

Answer 6

You and your husband need to sit down and come up with some house rules, then you need to present them to her and tell her it is your house and these are the rules and you expect her to abide by them.

And be sure and tell her you love her but she doesn't have the right to intrude on you all the time without making plans ahead of time. Calling the same day she wants to come over is just plain rude.

My cousin put a stop to people doing that to her by telling everyone if they wanted to do anything with them, even just to drop in and visit, they had to tell them ahead of time so they could get it on the calendar, otherwise they couldn't guarantee they would be available. We all knew to call ahead of time or we'd be knocking and no one would answer.

As long as you let someone continue to walk on you, it will never stop. As one person asked me one time, which side do you want Welcome written on? Don't let people wipe their feet all over you like this.

Other solution ~ move a few hundred miles away or a thousand if that is what it takes. It's sad that people have to be so obnoxious all the time but Type A personalities can be like this and just need someone to put them in their place.

And I'd talk with the cousin and ask them to not relay messages anymore and explain there are problems and you are trying to work them out and that scare tactics aren't going to work. I really don't understand the cousin doing something so childish anyway.......

Answer 7

Please understand, this is a common problem all over the world. The interesting aspect is, this is the same woman who has been instrumental in bringing up and shaping the man you love and chose to get married to.

There is another interesting thing here. I m going to take an extreme example but it just helps us clear our problem a bit more. Ask yourself, how would you feel if your husband has taken a keen liking for some btch in the office? You d fume, fret, explode, cry etc etc. Now this is because another woman has entered the life of a man whom you love totally.

The problem that your mother is probably facing is a variation of the above problem. And the same is with you. So to each other, you are bitches! Dont get me wrong but thats how u look at her and how she looks back at you. Its rightly said that EVERY RELATIONSHIP IS A MIRROR!

If you understand this totally, then you ll realize that expecting her to change will never help. This is a mirror. What you see her as, is how she looks at you as well. So, the probable solution is to change your own self to a certain extent, so that the mirror image (in this case your mum-in-law) might automatically change.

The best way to change yourself, is to be compassionate and be understanding as a rule. If you can understand it completely that your mother in law is not even aware of the fact that you are the 'other' woman in her son's life and thats y she cant accept you, then you might be able to accept 'yourself' a little better. Then it wont lead you to subconsciously feel that there is something wrong with 'you' which is making ur mum in law pissed off with you.


You know, u r gonna find this strange, but I m a guy and i face this same problem and my mum in law lives 5 minutes away from my house. So she can walk in here anytime and crap all over. I used to get pissed off and get totally agitated earlier. Then eventually I started seeing the whole thing very very clinically and realized that I another person in her daughter's life. So even if I was Bill Gates, I d get this same treatment from my mum-in-law, coz to her it appears to be my sole occupation to keep her daughter away from her.

Since I became a father, I realized that sometimes the other person is just incapable of understanding what you are going thru. A baby may not realize that you are tired and it may need something that you must provide instantly. Would we bang our head coz the baby wont understand?

Similarly my mum in law doesn't understand just like yours. Since this is now clear in my head, since the last few years whenever I see her (and thats quite often) I look at her just as someone who needs help. More often than not I go ahead and help her. Genuinely I try be there for her or make her feel happy. Very rarely she appreciates it but in the long run I ve stopped feeling **** about myself or the situation or even the mum-in-law.

This WILL take time BUT the first step is to clearly understand that she will NOT change no matter what you do! She is programmed and conditioned to hate you. And you must understand that just because she hates you, doesn't mean you are ****. There are billions of people on this planet, at least some are bound to hate us. Take it in your stride and be thankful to God for giving you an irritating mother in law instead of a schizophrenic one!

About feeding the baby and the quantities involved, trust me, let her decide. Stretch yourself a bit and read a good funny book maybe. Go over to the mum in laws house frequently with the kids and let her do everything for them. You can sit pretty watching TV or just leave the kids there for sometime and you go meet your friends. Lighten her burden by maybe taking up something that she has to do and is not very comfortable doing it due to her age. Basically help the woman find peace and happiness. Maintain a diary of 'My good deeds'. Add in there, every little thing you did for her. It ll not only make you feel good but over time, if you ever get into an argument with your husband(all couples fight), then you can dramatically produce this diary and show him what an angel you really are.

Answer 8

Oh Boy do you have your hands full with that one.Im being very serious when I say write Dr Phil with this one Unless you can get your husband to set the bound and guidelines or if he will back you 200% and let you set the guidelines
1.This is our home
2.This is our family and he is you son son
3.On night we choose not to talk other are phone will be shut off That means we dont want company either.(DONT ADDRESS THE DOOR)
4.I have a restrict diet for our son if you cant see fit to comply with that then I cant see fit for you to share in his feeding.
You get the picture and stick to your guns.Your husband has to as well.

Answer 9

You and your husband need to get tough with this woman. If she can't take a hint when you screen your phone calls, you will need to be even more direct with her when she just shows up. When she comes uninvited, you tell her at the door that you are busy and cannot entertain her at that time and that you and your husband will make plans to see her at another time. Under no circumstances let her take your son anywhere. Your husband will need to set clear boundaries with her telling her she cannot come over uninvited and she has to respect your rules in the care of your son. He needs to tell her that if she refuses to do this, she will not be welcome. You are not wrong and the more you try to make this woman happy, the more miserable YOU are going to be. Good luck.

Answer 10

Oh Girl, i understand you totally. I live with the parents of my husband unfortunately, until we find our own place to live. If you see my posted question, you'll understand that i'm in a much more difficult situation :-( She tries to control everything i and my husband do, and now i'm pregnant, and she's always 'giving me advice' when i don't need it. She doesn't wash her hands when making dinner, and she thinks she's a know-it-all. I can't make friends with her, because all she does, is tell me how to do things (like how to iron my husband's shirts!!!) I've talked to my husband, and told it all to him, and he says we'll soon (in 2 years maybe) have our own house, where i can be the woman of the family. Now i don't know who i am - she behaves like i'm her 2-year-old girl. But i've told my husband, and he's spoken to her, and she tries not to treat me like that anymore. It's just when i'm at work, i don't know when the baby's born, how am i going to let her look after my baby :-( she's already making plans of how she's going to bring her up, teach her little poems and so on :-( i love my hubby really very much, and for his sake i don't go to my parents' house to live.

Answer 11

Hang in there, because believe it or not- one day she will realize that what she is doing isn't making you like her. Just make sure you don't petend that you like what she is doing. Tell her straight up that you prefer feeding the baby yourself, because she tends to overfeed her. Tell her that you are the mom and that you know your baby best.
I managed to make my husband go against his mom (after about two years of our marriage) ... in fact we stopped communicating with her for about a year. She was really good at making my husband feel guilty all the time, so the feeling he had when we stopped talking to her and visiting her altogether wasn't different from how he felt before anyway.
After one year, I called her and told her to stop acting up, because she was already a grandmother at that point. She said that she was very happy I made the first move, because she would never have done it. She said that she was just really afraid that I was going to take him (her son) away from her... I told her that he would always be her son and that she was also a grandma and to start acting like one. I also made my mom and dad call her and tell her to stop giving advice when not being asked.... because I always hated that even when I wasn't married, yet. ( they told her a bit more about me, because she never really tried to see me as a separate individual with my own thoughts and wishes for my - our life. They told her about how I always defied people who seem manipulative and mean- even when I was a kid... three years old to be exact- when a babysitter was about to beat me with tiny long sticks from the coconut tree-... I ran to the kitchen and told her to not dare hurt me again while holding a giant knife in my hand) She completely changed after their talk... she now even lives in our little studio (attached to the main house in which we live- the studio has its own entrance), which has a small kitchenette and a bathroom with shower. We never ever play that tug of war with my husband sandwiched in between anymore.
Continue to be assertive about how you want things to be... so she doesn't say later on that you never said anything.