Scared stepson will cause me harm, am I wrong for wanting to leave?

Question

I've been married 8 months, we have a 2yr old son together and my husband's 12yr old son lives with us. Husband was awarded custody of him last June. Stepson was raised by maternal grandparents. We've been in family therapy since April. Stepson has post traumatic stress disorder (from his mom dying), depression, was physically abused by his grandfather, and intermittent explosive disorder. He's on an anti-psychotic to stabilize his mood and zoloft for the depression. He hates the fact that his dad married me and is jealous of me and our 2 year old. He's had 2 episodes with me, cussed me out, smashed his brother's toys with a hammer & mallet and got a knife for God only knows what. I have been scared for me and our 2yr old's safety ever since. He just got out of mental hospital on Fri. The Dr asked if he'd ever hurt me or his brother, he said "not my brother". I take that to mean that he'd hurt me. I love hubby but I'm scared and ready to leave before he hurts me. Am I wrong?

He was involuntarily committed to mental hospital after having episode with his dad and we had to call police on him. They took him to hospital after he made a suicidal threat and was in mental hosp for 2 weeks. I was fine until he told the Dr that today. Now, I am just ready to leave. I feel like I have a bullseye on me. The stress of all this is getting to me physically and if it keeps up, I'll be on an anti-depressant soon.

Answer 1

I have to be in agreement with majority. You need to take care of yourself and your 2 year old first.

I am the mother of child that starting running rampant herself at about that age. I had to put her in mental hospitals, rehab facilities, detention centers, etc. Although, the only time she became violent with me personally, was when she was using. One thing they told me through all of this, was that I have to learn to take care of ME FIRST!

It's hard thing to do as a mom. We just aren't programmed that way. Everything in me wanted to save her. Protect her. Do for her. But I was killing myself. Making myself sick. Running myself into the ground. Although it's not the same situation, the same principal applies. YOU COME FIRST HERE. No matter what angle you look at it, you have to protect you and your youngest child first.

My suggestion, call the local detention center and see if they have some kind of "protection program" where they will hold him for a limited number of days. I've done it. It's for children who are at risk to themselves or others. They do not put them in general population, but they are locked up and monitored. Usually they hold them for up to 5 days.

Several things can happen during this time. One, you'll have a chance to find help, without fear of violence. Two, he'll be in the system, and you can start making the system start working for you. Three, you will at least have five days of no fear, to be able to work this out with your husband, and make decisions that need to be made.

I feel for you. I have had to make the most difficult decisions of my life regarding my daughter. In the end, I feared she'd hate me forever. But this is three years later, she's clean and sober, and she and I are closer than we've ever been. She grew up way too fast, but...it's a price we paid. I am also dealing with the ptsd in some forms. Because she was raped during her time of running away and such. While I wouldn't want to go back and do it again, she and I both work with families in the courts now, to help them through the processes. Because we both know how hard it was for us, and much it was worth it to go through the processes in the long run.

Good luck to you!

Answer 2

Hi. Answer from "Hope" has some good points.
That said, I am not sure just what i would do in the same situation; each person and family needs to evaluate the risks and benefits for themselves and family.

Typically what is Best in these bad situations:
Talk to the boys' psychiatrist and therapist.
Have a conference that includes your husband.
Tell them exactly how you feel.
There is a spoken but veiled threat there. He also gives you the information he is attached to his brother, so that is a positive clue from him.
If the boy is like most kids, it's more a scream for help and he will respond to Intensive therapy, consistency, consistency, consistency, and structured family life with rules and limits that are kept.

Let the professionals help you.
Many times they make a contract with the teen that spells out exactly what behavior will be expected and what will NOT be tolerated!
This type of contract is pretty useful, because you have written limits on behavior, and consequences, and experienced professionals to witness and monitor it all.
It's probably your best bet.

This is probably the boy's last chance at a decent life.
Without family structure and strict limits, rules...he will probably get worse and more antisocial.

Finally, if you do feel physically threatened, of course you must decide what is best for yourself and your son...
but don't let the boy think he can break you up, or that he's intimidating you.
Kids often do this (break the marriage apart) for the feeling of control or power it gives them.

Good luck, and please have a conference with the professionals.

-

Answer 3

I'm so sorry. I don't disagree with you wanting some physical distance from this situation...especially since you are raising a young child of your own.

At 2 years old, your own son is like a sponge for all the misery around him...really, even if you guys think you keep him sheltered from all this stuff with the step-son, I'm sure the tension and stress level in your home is sky-high. Not to mention the fact you're always looking over your shoulder, and your husband is probably extremely stressed over the whole thing.

I don't know, it's a complicated situation...but I personally feel you need to put the needs of your 2 year old first, whatever that means to you. To me it might mean getting out of Dodge, for a while at least. I feel bad for your step-son, it's tragic to see a young person so miserable and angry...you can continue to be supportive of him and your husband, but possibly from a distance. I wish you luck.

Answer 4

NO. You get yourself and your son out of that situation now. Go to family, go to friends. It will feel like you are giving in to your stepson's deepest desires. But you put your foot down. You do not need to live in fear of your life because with as many issues as this child has, something needs to change. It is sad that he has been dealt this lot in his life but obviously the doctors he has right now are not the right ones. You let you husband know that he has a few choices, 1) he either gets all his son's doctors and meds changed to a mix that will actually work, 2) he can find an effective councelor for the child that will not back down when your stepson is saying that he's going to hurt you, 3) he can pick his son up from the police every time that child threatens you or your son, or 4) he can kiss you goodbye. You did not sign up for death threats and abuse when you married your husband. Love is not worth your life. If your stepson scares you to the point where you are constantly on guard, then you had better start calling the cops to come pick him up every time he threatens you because obviously the doctors aren't doing their jobs, and your stepson needs to realize that every time he does that, especially when he gets older, he will go right back to jail. Not everyone is a saint like you. Be strong and good luck.

Answer 5

You have a genuine problem on your hands.
I would assume that your son is working with a psychiatrist or therapist. - confer with that professional, explaining your fears and the danger and stress. The professional will have some advice or counsel on how to handle the situation.

Your other choice is to contact Social Services. If you and your 2 yr old are not safe in your own home, and the 12 year old's behavior is out of control and unpredictable, you have every right to fear for your own safety. There are 24 hr facilities that deal with children and teens like him. He would enter the foster care system. You will find it benefitial to have had contact and verification by police.

This is a sad thing all the way around - but you've got to insure safety for yourself and your 2 yr old.

Answer 6

wow, very confusing, possibly have the different grandparents watch only in the process the day and hubby %. him up after paintings, or paintings out something have been they could the two pass 2 or three times each and every week to the grandparents, if there habit is undesirable, handle it, i do no longer think of the undertaking will pass away as a results of employing isolating, and your infant is his brother additionally, there could desire to be the thank you to handle it with out it seeming like a punishment for what could desire to take place, or which you're favoring your son, i think of you are able to desire to locate a center floor, i only think of the youngster is the only getting harm, and you're saying the two boys misbehave at the same time, how approximately engaged on changing that

Answer 7

You're totally right to think about leaving - the safety of you and your young son are the important things here. If your stepson is this disturbed, he should not be living with you, and not with a two year old child, either.

Put yourself first and listen to your intuition - if your gut feeling is that you are in danger, then get the hell out of there, and fast!

Better to be safe, than sorry.

Answer 8

OMG, I feel for you. No you are not wrong for wanting to leave, it's sounds pretty scary. Maybe if you go live with your parents until things cool down. That's a pretty hard situation to be in. I would leave and take the baby with me, just until the young fellow can get back on track.

Answer 9

you're not wrong for leaving. your husband should take every precaution to make sure you and your son is safe! if i were you, i would leave. i wouldn't be able to sleep knowing that my baby could possibly be in danger of losing his mommy. maybe just take some time away from the home and take your son. perhaps your step-son will learn that you are not there to hurt him. just show him a lot of love and patience.

Answer 10

sounds like he needs to go back to the mental hospital. don't leave your home and your husband because of the stepson. tell your husband how you feel and maybe you can work something out. have you tried talking to the stepson? you should try developing a relationship with him. sounds like he needs someone to love him.