In a tough wedding situation...?

Question

Okay so everything is planned and we are getting married in July. We are having it in my dads backyard, its going to be all Hawaiian themed and just like a big barbeque. Well, we have one problem, my dads wife has a son that has 2 little kids. About 4 years old and 2 1/2 years old. They are horrible kids and they are very destructive! They have no discipline, and are still in diapers!! I had initially said, no kids allowed at the wedding! Well last night, my dad and his wife were making out the invitations, and she mentioned the kids. My dad said that we didnt want any kids and his wife went postal! In the end she pretty much said ' if you dont invite my grandkids, not only are my kids not going, well neither am i.. AND i dont want to be married to you anymore!' Well this is MY wedding, why is she doing this?!? So... i told my dad today.. fine, we will just go to the Justice of the Peace and get married with no ceremony... What do you think the right thing is to do?

Im not hiring babysitters, there are only 2 kids, NO one else has kids. Im the youngest of the family. Its a small wedding, only about 30 people

Umm Blunt, how about you dont be so rude. The kids dont live there, they live in the next state. Ive only met them once, and i hear HORRIBLE stories. They threw toy cars at my dads 52 inch tv and scratched it. Their parents said nothing

Answer 1

I think you need to stick to your guns, and have YOUR wedding the way YOU'VE planned it. I also think this is NOT your problem, it's your dad's problem. If your father is supportive of your not having children at the ceremony/reception (and it sounds as if he is), then he needs to explain to HIS wife what's what. If she's so childish and immature to divorce him over this, I feel badly for him, because that's a pretty crappy thing to do to someone you allegedly love and care about. She obviously doesn't care much for your father, not to mention your feelings in all this. Hopefully she'll calm down, and realize she was being a complete shrew over this. And yes, her son may not be able to attend if he cannot find a sitter for his children. That's called parenthood. There have been MANY things I've wanted to do over the course of my children's lives that I haven't done, simply because I had responsibilities to them that I could not ignore.

Have that ceremony as you've planned it. Let your dad handle his wife. It's even going to be at his house, so let him deal with it all, ok? I'm sure he's told you to not worry about it, so listen to your father, and don't worry about it, ok? It will all be fine, and I seriously doubt his wife will divorce him over this, and if she does, he's probably better off without her. Have a great wedding day!

Edit: You let your dad handle this with his wife, you do not get involved in their marriage issues. That's rule number 1, don't get involved in anyone else's marriage but your own. Let your dad solve this with his wife.

Answer 2

That really is tough. I was at a wedding (photographer) when one of these destructive lil kids running around knocked over the flags and in the video you can see me grabbing the flag and stopping it about 1 ft from the preachers head. Now that wedding it was the grandmother (widow) getting married again and she wanted all her grandkids up there with her. So she thought it was cute. She still talks about if the preacher gets knocked unconscious on the wedding day, you better have a backup plan. I don't think you'd find it quite so cute if they ruined your wedding day.

Honestly though--it's up to your dad to sort it out. He is her husband. If you allowed her grandkids--how many other kids would you have to invite? How much money would this add to the budget? If its high (some couples it would end up being 150 extra people)--the cost is too high and that would completely change the wedding to have 100 kids running around.

Have your dad stay firm with the no kids policy if you don't want kids. Don't allow a guilt trip to make you think she'll divorce him. She won't. But there is a chance she might not go to the wedding. However, where does the line end? Say you were having a small wedding and you invited aunts and uncles. Do you have to invite your aunt by marriage's parents? Her children by the first husband? Her first husband? The line has to be drawn somewhere. You decided no kids. You should stick with that. Your dad can deal with his petty wife. She'll calm down sooner or later.

My wedding only children over the age of 7 were invited. And only one baby was there that was younger than 7 (but she was close family and all her other children were older than 7).

Now is this your stepbrother or merely your stepmother's children? If this is a brother that you grew up with, I'd call him up and tell him that you are having an adult only reception. Perhaps he and his wife would really enjoy a kids-free evening. He may call his mother himself and explain that he would be glad to hire a babysitter.

And yes if it gets to the point where she is being irrational and your dad is in a strain--I would consider JP. People say the wedding should just be about the 2 of you--but its not. It's about the family. And if a wedding doesn't really matter to the 2 of you--why not just have a JP ceremony?

Answer 3

I totally understand how you feel. I mentioned the idea of not allowing kids at our wedding and my Mom told me that if I did that, my aunt (actually her best friend, not related) would flip, because she has 2 grandchildren. She apparently doesn't speak to another friend of theirs, because her daughter had a no kids wedding. While I personally don't think its that much to ask that someone not bring kids to a wedding, a lot of people have really strong feelings about it. I don't know why its that big of a deal. Its not like the kids really care that much or would even know that they were specifically not invited unless someone made a point to tell them. You spend a lot of money on a wedding and is it really that unreasonable to not want someones ill behaved youngster running around destroying all your hard work? If it wer 20 or 30 years ago, I would say that weddings are supposed to be "family" friendly, but parents today don't discipline their children like they used to and kids pretty much run wild these days. If you only invite the kids you know will behave, then people ask why their kids weren't invited and who wants to tell someone that their kid is a holy terror and they're an irresponsible parent? Unfortunately, the best thing to do in this situation may be to simply hire a babysitter and forego the no kids thing. I think that's what we're going to do. You should sit down and have a talk with your stepmother though. Tell her that you don't appreciate being given ultimatums in regards to your own wedding and it was really childish of her to put you and your dad in such an awkward position. Let her know you're angry, but you want to cause any tension in your family. Make it clear that by giving in to this it is only for your family's sake and for any other occasions, such threats would not be tolerated. You can't let her think that she can make childish threats like that any time she doesn't get her way.

Answer 4

My wife and I had a friendly, family wedding without kids also. MANY weddings (nearly every one that I've been to or heard about from friends and coworkers) is no-kids-allowed. That allows the adults to just get together and have fun.

You shouldn't have to hire a sitter or do anything else unusual. You're making a perfectly reasonable request, and the *son* can easily hire a sitter for his two kids.

The responsibility lies with:
a) Your father's wife, for not throwing a complete fit and discussing concerns like a civilized person. (Though I don't recommend putting it in those words. :) )

b) Your father and/or you (largely depending on everyone's relationships) to calmly and pleasantly explain how normal that is and how you want a fun, adult party with ... (fill in the blank with adult things here - music, alcohol, a late hour.. whatever isn't kid appropriate).

c) Your father's wife's son to do something with his kids while he's away at the adult's only wedding - probably having a damn good time.

Answer 5

Is it really worth calling off a planned wedding to make sure two kids don't attend? And this wouldn't really smooth things over for your dad and stepmother. Why not just do as the previous poster said and hire a sitter for the kids if they start showing signs that they are about to throw a tantrum or what not?

Well don't hire the sitters and head on down to the justice of the peace since you aren't willing to find some sort of compromise with your stepmother. It really seems childish to cancel all those plans just to avoid two children from attending. Weddings are about family and what you are thinking of doing right now won't calm the issue down at all it will make things worse in the long run because you'll be viewed as a brat who took her ball and ran home rather than interact with all of your family. If no other kids are there it should be really CHEAP to hire a sitter but what do I know.

Answer 6

I'm probably gonna get some thumbs down for this because I disagree with most of the answers here. It is not only your step-mom's house it's your dad's house too and he doesnt want kids either. This is YOU and YOUR fiance's wedding, not hers. Your step-mom is being immature and ridiculous about this. If she continues to be adamant about it then why not compromise and tell her that if the children come then one of their parents will need to attend to the children at all times. Try having an area outside with some outside toys like child friendly lawn darts, those big bubble wands, etc. Sorry you are going through this. I see at least once a day in this forum where someone's mother tries to run roughshod over the bride and groom's day and I still never understand it. Congrats on your wedding.

Answer 7

Why don't you try talking to her yourself? Tell her that you have nothing against her grandchildren (even if you do.) Tell her your dad was only repeating your request. Explain you don't believe it is fair to expect young kids to sit and be quiet throughout a ceremony. Tell her you never meant to hurt feelings. Perhaps you could offer to hire a sitter to watch the kids inside your dad's house during the ceremony and then let the kids come to the reception. Or better yet, keep the sitter the whole time so she can entertain the kids with crafts,books and games outside during the bbq. Tell her that way the grandkids will have fun and the parents can take a small break. It would be well worth the cost of the sitter so you can have the wedding you imagined.

Answer 8

I would still get married at your dad's house.

It's pretty common NOT to have kids at weddings, even informal ones like this. If there's not going to be any other kids there, then no one should expect them to be there. On the invites, write "adults only" and maybe the kids parents will take the hint and leave the kids at home.

Your stepmom is taking things out of proportion-threatening divorce over this?!

However I do see the point that you are using their house to have the reception. Maybe you should just suck it up for your dad's sake-I feel sorry for you but it might not be worth it to make a bigger deal out of this.

Answer 9

Well, she did go a little postal when threatening to divorce your father over this. However, not having children at your wedding is seriously going to alter the number of people that come. Some parents might not be able to find babysitters. They might really want to see you get married, too! So, one possible idea is to hire someone to watch all of the children during the wedding. Instead of footing the bill yourself, perhaps you can arrange something with each of the children's parents. Possibly splitting up the cost. Good Luck!

Answer 10

Well, the logical and proper thing to do would be to hire a sitter. I did this for my wedding and it worked out well. I hired a college girl and the church had a nursery that was used. I would calm down about this and listen to others words of wisdom. Take care and forget the Justice of the Peace. That is the right thing to do. Why have all the drama. Just hire a sitter, maybe two if the kids are such monsters as you describe. PEACE