My 5 year old daughter, I love her but....?

Question

the attitude has got to go. She is arguing with everyone. She gets so angry that when in a fight with someone (our immediate family) that she does not love them. We don't know how to respond to this. It is getting so bad that noone wants to spend time with her. I have never spanked my kids but I am getting closer to it with her. I am on short term disability been home for the last 2 months and getting ready to go back to work next week. I am looking forward to it so I don't have to spend as much time with her. How aful is that. Please give your advice. How can I make things better with her.

She is now begging for forgiveness and sorry for what she has done. I have taken things away from her and now wants them back. is she sorry or does she only want her things back :(

Answer 1

First, you are not a bad parent. Most children go through this stage at one point or another, with different degrees of intensity.

The best advise I can give you is TALK. Talk to her about how she hurts your feelings and how sad it makes you feel. Allow her to express her feelings, whatever they may be, and talk out the problem.

On the flip side, this could very well be a plea for your attention. I don't know all of the dynamics of your home, but have you been concentrating on other issues more lately? Maybe she is feeling neglected. During your stay at home over the last 2 months, have you noticed an increase gradually in this behavior? If so, she may have caught on that by acting out she is getting more attention from you. Children will many times resort to negative behavior as they know you will respond. Any attention they get is something to them.

Lastly, if talking doesn't work, explain to her that by acting out as she has been, she will be punished. I am a firm believer in spankings, but the behavior should be extreme before going this route. Try time-outs first and stick to your guns. Set a good amount of time (with a timer) and don't allow her to get up. If she disobeys while in time-out, reset the timer and start over again. Don't make idle threats at any time. If you say you're going to do something extreme (take away all her toys, grounded for a week, etc, etc) and don't do it, she will quickly rationalize that she has the advantage.

Whatever your approach is, stick with it. If you are persistant and make her understand that you mean business and are not going to let her push you over, she will come around. Children are excellent judges of risk vs. reward and figure out quickly if a behavior is worth the punishment or not.

Pray for patience and understanding. Call friends and family for moral support.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I suggest you run out and grab the book NANNY 911 as soon as possible. It has some great ways to help get her under control and other household situations where you wish you had a Nanny to come to the rescue.

As for her toys... she is 5. I'd take them away for more then just a day. We have a CLEAR bin on the top shelf of the closet in my girls room. They can SEE the toys in the bin, but not reach them. When they get in trouble, we put their favorite toys in there so they can see the toys they want but cannot have (as a constant reminder) because of their bad behaviors. It works well. You can find them at Walmart, Target- just about anywhere actually.

Remember.. it's hard. You'll feel awful in the beginning, but STAND FIRM. YOU are the boss, not her. Also do remember, that after you scold a child, talk about it. Even if it means when you are tucking her in tonight you say "Sweetie... you will get your toys back tomorrow, but you DO know why they were taken away, right?" If she says no, explain again. If she says yes- then she got the lesson for sure. Make sure you say "I love you" to her and really mean it.

Its so very important that you continue to discipline firmly, but affirm your love for her at the same time. (Though don't punish her then say "I'm sorrrry.... mommy loves you")

As for her telling family members she doesn't love them- thats GOT to stop. Sit her down and have a FIRM talk with her. If you hear her say it, STOP HER- immediately... right then and there, take her aside and tell her it's wrong, and tell her it hurts their feelings. Lastly, make her apologize.

Best of luck.

Answer 3

Of course she's sorry cos she wants her stuff... ;) But, u can not expect a true feeling of sorry in a 5-yr old...

I don't respect the advices w/ the spanking solution - u don't want ur kid 2 b afraid of u, but 2 respect ur authority - those 2 r not the same thing u know...

And - at the end, I do not have an advice, I am sorry, but had 2 notice that spanking wont really solve the problem...

Answer 4

Don't feel awful that you're anxious to get a break from her. Stories like this touch my heart b/c I find it extremely important to let you know that there is help out there if you should ever become frustrated with her.
As for her behavior, maybe it's just a stage that she'll grow out of with time. I can only imagine how hurtful it is to hear your own child tell you she doesn't love you at the ripe age of FIVE.
I'm not against spanking your children. "Spare the rod, spoil the child." Now, do not take it overboard and seriously hurt her. But maybe a good pop on the bottom would make her think twice about smarting off to you.
Have you tried to ignore her yet?

Answer 5

Hey, I understand this one! I have a 5-year-old daughter, too. You need to (when you are both calm) sit down on her level and tell her what you expect from her (respect, politeness, ect.) Tell her right then what the consequence will be if she doesn't follow your rules (spanking, time-out,ect.). Tell her it is unacceptable to tell someone she hates them because she is angry. And the next time she breaks the rule (she will) follow through with the punishment. Always mean what you say. I promise the consistency works.

A word about spanking... it's not illegal anywhere to spank your child with an open hand. You have to do it in love, never in anger, and never as a last resort. Good luck!~

Answer 6

Hon, she's got your number. She knows how to manipulate, and she's doing just that. You have to be very stern. Make rules, and let your daughter know that when she breaks them, there will be punishment. Then, STICK TO IT. That's the key, not giving in, as hard as it may be sometimes. If you don't do this now, this attitude thing is only going to get worse, and someday she will be an unruly teenager. Believe me you don't want that, I've been there, done that. Pick a spot in your home, and make that her "time out" place. When she misbehaves, don't yell, just simply tell her that what she did is not right, and she must now sit out. Then very calmly take her there, and make her sit. If she gets up, simply lead her back, and walk away , with no response. Keep doing this until she realizes that you aren't kidding, and you aren't going to respond to her crying, screaming, and fit throwing. Believe me, it works, but you have to stay strong, and not give in. After a while, she will know that if she does wrong, you aren't kidding. I wish you much luck on this one.

Answer 7

She's just showing her assertiveness and probably acting like you or her father. My four year old has a mouth on her sometimes...and then I realized that some of her phrases were things I've said! She sounds bored. Is she out of school? Has something changed recently? This child has no idea how NOT to love you...so she is definitely crying out for attention. Not spending time with her is the worst. Especially since you are going back to work. Do something really special with her and let her know that you are going to miss the time together. She is only 5...she cannot be expected to handle any situation like the adult you are. She loves you Mom...show her you love her...and if she botches it up, ignore it. She'll go back to a sweetie again after a few attempts.

Answer 8

Ok...you want my honest opinion? Here goes. You're daughter is a spoiled brat, who should have been spanked or punished looonnnnggg before now. You don't believe in spanking so time out is perfect for this. When she is being disresectful, you take her to the timeout/naughty chair. (a chair put in the corner away from any mental stimulation). She will be in that chair for 5 mins(a min for each year the child is, is perfect) IF she gets out of the chair, you pick her right back up and put her in it again. Do this until... Don't give in. If you do, she will know that you are not serious about it. And THAT's a big mistake. It takes alot of work, but really...is her well being worth it? When her time is up in the chair..go down to her level, and ask her if she knows why she was put in that chair...and then ask for an apology. Kiss her and tell her you love her and you want her to understand why you do this. DON"T GIVE IN! YOU are the parent here...remember that!

Answer 9

Did her attitude start recently? is it because you are going back to work soon? Children aren't very good at expressing verbally what is really bothering them. The "I don't love you" is her frustration at something. She doesn't mean it. Don't react to that sort of thing. I heard that once or twice myself. My response was "Okay, but I love you."
As for the pro spanking crowd here - Yikes! What good does it do? I'll teach you to behave by hitting you??? Where is the grownup self-control in that? I'm a believer in direct and appropriate consequences such as "you fight with him, we will go home. No more park." or taking away some privileges like television.
And have compassion for her AND yourself. It's understandable that you are at the end of your rope. But remember you are the grownup. Try to find a few minutes for yourself to unwind (even an extra five minutes in a locked bathroom worked for me) It's okay to feel bad sometimes.

Answer 10

Please think of her with gentleness. 5 year old girls are precious spirits and their behaviors are only tests of what's acceptable--don't take it personally or punish her by withholding love or damaging her self-esteem. My daughter is 5 and I noticed very recently that she has more of an attitude, which I interpret as finding her voice and her power. I have had to put my foot down a couple times when she goes overboard on her siblings, and by putting my foot down I simply say to her, "Taylor, that is not acceptable. You can't treat Lauren that way. I won't allow it. Stop." She'll cross her arms and run out of the room and cry, but she'll quickly regain her composure. She isn't 100% sure what is acceptable behavior, she is led by her feelings and the rest she receives from feedback in her environment. I respect her journey and I can't fault her for being wrong sometimes. Children truly do want to please their parents.

My 3 year old son often uses the "Me no love you Mommy." to which I answer either "well, me love you Dylan" or I'll occasionally play it silly and pretend to cry, and he laughs that his words have such power over me. If my 5 year old said that, I would tell her that I loved her, and I'd allow her a safe place to "not love me" until she gets through those feelings. I wouldn't pretend to be hurt by it, just allowing of her choice not to love me. It sounds like your daughter needs clear choices of how to handle her anger and frustration. If she acts up, point her to the kitchen table, pull out a box of crayons and paper, and give her the option of a new activity. If she stubbornly refuses, then have her sit on the stairs for 5 minutes (1 minute for each year of her age--the logic of that provides true security).

Good luck, and if you've never spanked her, hold true with that. You've obviously done well without it, so don't lower yourself to that just because you've hit a brick wall.