Please help me figure out a way to talk to my fiance about his poor parenting...?

Question

I am 25 years old & have dreamed all my life of someday being a Loving wife and mom. I finally found a very sweet man who Loves me very much & wants me to be his wife.
I have no children yet but he has 3 from a previous marriage ages 15,11 and 3. I Love the kids with all my heart & they Love me too. My fiance is 39 & does not have a good relationship with his x wife who he was married to for 15 years.They BOTH are in my opinion horrible parents. They don't hit the children but emotionally & even physically neglect them.
Examples:
-Letting the 3 year old stay up until 11:00pm+ with no structured bedtime & letting her sleep until when ever she wakes up-11am+.
- Giving the 3 year old soda in her slippy cup & feeding her chips & other food with little to no nutritional value FOR MEALS
- Using foul language in front of them & putting them in the middle of arguments they are having.
This behavior is not ok with me & I have told him how i feel but when im not there I KNOW it continues

In reaction to one response... I am a kindergarten teacher and I guess because of my background in early childhood I know I have high standards when it comes to taking care of children.

But just because I have not given birth to a child yet does not mean im not a parent. I Love these children like they were my own and the 2 older children have come to me many times for help and I am doing my absolute best.
I am not saying I am a perfect person by any means, All I am asking for is a little help and advise in a situation that I feel is an important one. What is more important than the health and wellbeing of children?

I Love these kids and will do what ever I can... Including asking strangers for help, to give them the best upbringing I can.

Im sorry If I offended anyone with my question. That was not my purpose.

Answer 1

I have been in the same situation, and have found that my fiancee is happy to let me do the parenting since I have more patience and I am a better parent. But be prepared to do a lot of work, all on your own. You will be raising the 3 year old, with no help, and it's not even your kid

Answer 2

You have to decide what is more important to you, your fiance or your dream of being a loving wife and mother. After 15 years of this parenting style your fiance is unlikely to change. I would seriously reconsider this relationship. If you do end up marrying him and having children you will in essence be a single parent. It is hard enough to raise children when both parents agree on how to do it. You don't need him to constantly be undermining you. You will not be able to get him to stop with the foul language and when your kids complain about not having junk food or having to go to bed early (as all kids do) then he will be unlikely to back you up and you'll always end up looking like the bad guy and your husband will look like the fun parent. This is a serious red flag. I would get out while you can. I don't really think that age matters, but I would suggest that you look for someone closer to your age who doesn't already have a family.

Answer 3

Oh, this is a tough one. As much as you can nudge this man in the right direction as far as parenting is concerned (and you seem to have a better grasp on parenting than he has) he will always be able to use the "I've been a parent for 15 years" card. I find that many parents don't necessarily take kindly to people giving advice in that department. You can try to ask him if he is ok with you helping with some of the parenting and perhaps he'll agree, giving you the opportunity to make some changes. Just be prepared to get A LOT of resistance, especially from the children.

They haven't had much structure so you bringing it may cause a bit of resent. Aside from all that, ask yourself if this is the kind of parent you want raising YOUR children (if you decide to have any). I know you love him dearly, however, these are VERY important things to sort out before you get married. Is he going to be the kind of father you want for your kids, Is he going to support your decisions in regards to how you want to raise your future children? These are all questions you must ask yourself before you go any further.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

If you don't agree with his parenting style, you should not have children with him. Tell him you don't want him and ex to fight in front of the children, so you will watch the kids while they talk it out. You can't control what the ex does when she has the kids. But, when you have the children you should say it's time for bed now and just be consistent. She can get used to sleeping well when she is with you. If you make the kids dinner they will have a real meal. When they get upset just say that they dont do things the same way here as they do at their moms. When you do talk to your fiance, try to not to insult his parenting or say things like "you always" or "you never", this will avoid arguments. Good luck.

Answer 5

I hate to be rude about this but I really think the kids are set in their ways.

If you come in now and change what they are used to you are going to look like a maen step parent.

I dont know how to tell you to talk to him but this needs to be resolved BEFORE marriage. Its great to love someone but when kids are involved, it may not always work out. If this is something you feel strongly about, just be prepared that he wont agree with you and you two will have this between yall.


And just FYI. My 3 year old stays up till 10:30/11:00 every night. She always has and she takes after us. MY husband and I are deinitely night people so she follows our lead.


Parenting styles vary drastically from person to person. He may just disagree with you and thnk he is the bes parent in the world.

Answer 6

Let me see if I understand this: You say you love an abusive neglectful foul-mouthed man??

You are not going to like the life you get if you marry this guy. You don't fix people by getting married. He's not going to change, no matter what. Think it over.
If you marry this man DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN.
Personally, I think the guy needs a visit from a social worker.

Answer 7

Unfortunately, if this is your definition of a bad parent, there are millions of bad parents out there. And no parent, good or bad, wants a non-parent giving advice. If you do become the stepmom of these kids the best thing you can do is keep your opinions to yourself and parent them the way YOU think it should be done, you have that option. Telling ANYONE else how to parent is futile at best, especially when you are not one.

Answer 8

I love it when women say they have a great man, and blah, blah, blah, except for one thing! This should be a red flag. What is a turn on about a man that is a neglectful parent? What makes you think he will be any different with your children, should you have any with him?
To answer your question, there is no way to deal with this. You need to move on with your life and find a REAL man who takes pride in being a parent, not a scumbag who doesn't care about his offspring.

Answer 9

U said u told him how u feel, BUT U KNOW that when u r not around - he continues... So - he's acting in front of you..?
U should ask urself if u really want 2 b w/ this man who's not himself in front of u...? What change of behavior can u expect when u 2 have ur baby?

Answer 10

You're not going to find someone who matches your level of parenting every time. My husband is a great father, but even we tend to argue over little stuff. Overall, however, we make adjustments and make it work.