Anyone think my poetry is good? Suggestion for a title? Criticism welcome.?

Question

We shall live in a world of peace,
violence, never to be found.
As hallowed as golden fleece,
this world shall be bound.
All war, guns, haste an’ anger shall be silenced.
Forget about today, and start remembering bout tomorrow.
You fight for a cause, but you’ll receive defiance.

Someone died that night on the gallows,
innocent or guilty, it will not be known,
For my friends, and friends of fellows,
the leaves on God’s doorstep have not blown.

Each human being, only a pawn in the game,
never realizes their part in society’s blame,
blinded by the wrath of glamour an’ fame.

But, it ain’t hard to see the things in life,
that mean a lot to me an’ my wife.
The cliffs that line the ocean so mighty,
the hills that shape the land so high.
The creatures that roam upon it,
in richness of the beauty of Aphrodite.

People abuse the creation,
who has been ever lovin’ and kind.
But shan’t it be stopped, it needs salvation.
Jesus came down to save us all humans,
from the depths of hell an’ a force so evil.

But, I’m asking Lord,
Where is the salvation, for your creation?
For the plants, the animals and landscape,
certainly they deserve some salvation?

Answer 1

I like your poem, but like most comments, it needs to be focused..first i thought u were talking about war and people killing each other, then you shifted to nature and the destruction of nature..also you might wana polish the rythems...

i understood the part about "never realizes their part in society's blame...etc"....it means humans tend to look at the problem aggregately, it's everybody's fault but never "MY fault", and it's because they are too worked up in their "glamour and fame"...

nice thoughts there :) you should call it "Where is the Salvation?"

Answer 2

To me, there are too many elements in your poem: what I mean is that it goes in too many directions, as if you wanted to talk about too many things. Then, there are things I don't understand: "their part in society's blame / blinded by the wrath of glamour and fame"??? Not clear, even metaphorically. Or again: "People abuse the creation, / who has been ever lovin' and kind" (the creation has been kind???).
Yes, I think there are "too many ideas" (if you see what I mean, it's difficult to explain). Maybe, instead of ideas (such as "they deserve salvation") you should concentrate on small, concrete, things and elements. More concreteness and less abstraction.
Just a personal opinion.


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Answer 3

"desire." except you're trying for some creative result, the H in desire might desire to be capitalized simply by fact it truly is the initiating of a sparkling line. This situation looks in the time of the poem. "Panic, once I refused its help, too," the tip of this line (too,) might desire to do without the comma simply by fact it chops the line up and the products of the word get separated. "bid me farewell some time past," The comma after 'in the past' might nicely be yanked for the comparable reason as above. "that it replaced into too difficult to care." The era thows this. the two turn it to a comma or do away with it completely. "I begged it out of me." that's new child of a tragic line, it seems such as you're attempting to throw it away and do away with it. as far as commas flow it form of feels which you're cooma happy and desire to throw them in everytime you're taking a breath whilst thinking or writing, inflicting a common overload of the little mark. the rule of thumb is "whilst uncertain do without." If it does not easily might desire to be there then your sentence or line is probable extra clever off without it. the full temper of those 2 poems is unhappy with a style of be apologetic approximately to them. My well known traces are "there replaced right into a starless night, / frigid, foggy, decrease than the effect of alcohol" It creates some cool imagery and enables to set the temper for the different traces.

Answer 4

Awesome. Keep going. You might want to polish your grammar at spots. But you really got it.

Answer 5

its quite a nice poem....but there isnt a poetic scheme....like there is a,b,a,b or a,a,a or a,b,c,d....its a bit jumbled...very good though!!!! try directing it towards one topic!!
Check Out My Poem....its on my question list