Troubles talking to my husband about my needs?

Question

My husband I were married Feb 24th of this year and already having problems. I fear I'm starting to resent him! I moved 1500 miles away from the only home I've ever known because he wanted to. He has a job because we only have one vehicle and I'm stuck at home all the time. I've tried telling him that I'm lonely and unhappy and told him how he could help me become happier. He tells me what I want to hear and the next day is just the same thing over again. Could this possibly be the start of an abusive relationship...any advice?

Answer 1

Its great that your communicating your needs to him, and even better that he has acknowledged them and is listening, even if anything hasnt been resolved yet.

I think from here what you probably need to do is get yourself an action plan into gear. you can do this yourself and present it to him next time you talk about it or the issue arises again.

Make it known to him that you have spoken about it and nothing has eventuated and you're still unhappy so you've created this action plan. Just jot down some things that would make you happy, be it another car, a hobby for the both of you to participate in, a "family day" or something similar.
See his response to this and then suggest a date to implement it.

Even go so far as to show him this question you've posted and all of the responses to it.
I think he realises you're frustration, but doesn't quite realise the magnitude of it...

Good luck with it all, hope it goes well.

Answer 2

Well first you have to realize that this is new to both of you. you are a newlywed & not to mention that you moved away from the home you have only known. Don't give up so quickly & give it time to get better. You will start meeting new people & hopefully get out enough to find things that "you" enjoy. Try not to stay indoors so much & have him take you out for dinner during the week on different occassions. Maybe you can even put an ad in the paper for babysitting since your stuck at home without a car right now. I know that in CA. they charge at least $12.00 an hour for 1 child. Just think if you could handle 3 kids for 4 or 5 hours a day. Just an idea & I hope it helps you. Remember that men don't really grasp our emotions sometimes so just try to make him understand what it's doing to you & instead of aggreeing with everything he should try making an effort to resolve this problem before it becomes bigger. Good luck sweetie & congrats to you & your new husband.

Answer 3

Abusive in what way?
Before getting married you should of had all thes issues covered.

It is too late for that.
And I am still confused about abusive. Anyhow.......
Many women marry and expect their husband to be the center of their world. They think once they are married things will be better. He will give more attention, more love. more understanding. Hon, it just doesn't happen that way.

YOU are responsible for your happines. Please don't make him accountable for that or your marriage won't last long. When you discuss your needs....you are probably using words that put him on the defensive. Gosh, what man wants to come home to a misserable wife.

When YOu talk to him tell him that YOU need to find a way to make your ife more interesting...and that staying home isn't good for your spirits. Then YOU come up with some ideas.
YOU ask him to give ideas. Don't make him feel like you sit home waiting for HIM to fix things. YOU will just put a wedge of resentment between the two of you. Resent leads to bittenerss.

You probably need to get a job or at least a part time job. If you don't have a car, you might have to drive him to work and pick him up. Or have a part time job when he is home.

If you can't find a job find a volenteer thing to do. When you give of yourself to other people you recieve joy back.

You need something to motivate you. And being back home won't solve all your problems.

Join a church. A club. Start a bingo club or something for the women on your block. Find a way to step outside of yourself. Or YOU will not surrive.

Are there a bus line where you live? Learn to use it.
You really need to be proactive in your problem or it will eat away at you. And a baby isin't the answer, you will just feel more stuck.

You need something to wake up for. If you are getting depressed, please see your doctor.

Please find a way to use your time so you aren't feeling so alone

Answer 4

I wouldn't go as far as to call it an abusive relationship just yet. You guys obviously have issues compromissing, I would advice you to sit him down and talk to him slowly and calmly. It seems to me that you didn't know him very well before getting married, you tell me. Do you have children? Do you live near a place where you can perhaps get a part time job? Have you looked for options that wouldn't envolve him? Do you guys do things as a couple? I know its very hard being around someone who doesn't apreciate you but this is your husband and you chose to be in that relationship. This doesn't mean that you are a doormat at all, just that you may have to take one for the team this time. Ultimately if you are that unhappy honestly then better part ways, it's always better an ellegant withdraw than a bloody retreat. Hope it helps and if you need someone to talk to please im me.

Answer 5

I agree with every word chickendontfly wrote above. Well, maybe you should get a job close by that it is just walking distance from where you live or take the bus. If he didn't say anything about you not being allowed to get a job, then why not. Remember everything starts with you. I don't think its anabusive relationship uinless he threats you, hurts you physically, or cus you out. He will tell you what you want to hear, but you need to do some actions by yourself too.

Answer 6

it may be a flag raiser, but there are more important warning signs. for instance, verbal abuse tends to be used before physical abuse.

as far as him seemingly not concerned about your needs, when a man loves a woman enough to marry her (in most situations) he may try really hard to make her happy, but circumstances may prevent fufilling all her needs especially if those needs involve money...as with his job requiring the car.

if a man's wife is unfullfilled, it is actually rather emasculating to the husband and you need to be sensitive to that when you talk to him and never make accusations (like "i'm the only one sacrificing in this relationship!") as he may really be trying his hardest to make it work but can't. do you really think that he wouldn't get a second car for the family knowing that you need it if he could afford to do so?

try something like, "I know you work hard to provide for us, and I appreciate your sacrifice and love you all the more for it, but maybe you could give me a ride to a job on your way to work or I can work part-time on your days off until we can afford another car."

if you have your own money saved up, find a good used car...you obviously have internet access, so you can find one locally online. if you have even decent credit, you can get a loan for a car. most dealers do actually have reasonable finance options.

if that's not an option, i say just get a job close to home if you are that unhappy being at home. carpool or walk, bike, use public transportation...anything. you may be using the car situation as an excuse for not getting a job. i know i've used plenty of excuses that have kept me from getting into grad school in a timely manner.

Answer 7

Keep a little journal, you know the pro's and the con's. Happiness is within they say but try to stay in check with your self. If you talk things out and it goes by the wayside and a week later when it has not been resolved you can look at your journal and say "We talked about it but did you really care??" Actions speak louder than words.
He seems not to want you to be around other people, kinda like he wants to shelter you. It is pretty hard to be happy when you feel alone and are alone. Don't give up yet, maybe join a take out your frustrations in a hobby you may enjoy.
good luck.

Answer 8

Abusive....how, because you are disatisifed with your life at this present point of time?

Get a job, get another car, study - you can study externally if you like, make friends with the neighbours, make friends in a social group, volunteer and expand your network that way.

Your husband is not the only one responsible for your happiness. Stop being a leaf on the wind and take charge of yourself and you will find that your relationship will probably prosper too

Answer 9

if u don't like sitting at home all day go find some job. with that u buy vehicle and be free to move whenever u want. u re not a baby and he is not your mommy, nobody must nurse u till old age. u are a grown up, u should know how to take care of yourself


don't get amused by the comment that u re too beautiful for your husband - there re women like u dollar for a dozen everywhere. so your hubby wouldn't have difficulties finding someone else, maybe someone working? u re the one who will have difficulties - nobody nowadays wants a woman which doesn't work

Answer 10

Why is he responsible for your happiness? He didn't drag you out there, you went because you loved him (first mistake, you two should've compromised). If you aren't going to school full time or raising a child full time, you should be working. If he has to sell the car to get two cheaper ones, so be it. Make friends, find hobbies, he can't fullfill your every need.