A Lying Teenager Girl?

Question

My 16 year old step-daughter is a chronic liar who lies about important things (e.g., sexual acitivity) and unimportant things (e.g., food in her room). She comes from a troubled background and we just got custody of her about 14 months ago. Hubby and I have differing approaches when she lies and I would like to know your collective opinion of how to be approach this.

When we know she is lying, hubby prefers to just blurt out "Save it, I know you're lying, don't want to hear your crap". I, on the other hand, begin my case of showing her how I know she is lying, presenting the evidence to her, trying to get her to confess, etc. Suddenly I am in the middle of my very own case of "Law and Order" and I can't help but wonder if she enjoys all this focus I then have on her. Hubby says this is a huge waste of time and I am only frustrating myself (true, I guess). What would you do?

She is already see a therapist. Also, we do hand out appropriate punishment each time. She just seems immune to it and refuses to change.

Answer 1

You need to get this under control now. Take something from her, something she really enjoys over everything else. Tell her it's not coming back to her until she admits what she has done.

Answer 2

I've heard Dr. Phil recommend that a step-parent should not be doing any major discipline interventions. So your husband, who is her real father, should be the leader as to how you both approach her.

Her troubled background contributes to her present behavior. She should be getting counselling or therapy of some kind. When someone is that young and experiences various traumas, when their maturity is not yet fully developed, it causes their personalities to develop in rather stilted ways. Your step-daughter sounds like a classic example! She may not even realize she is lying as much as she does. If your husband, her father, really wants the best for his daughter, he should seek ways to get extra help for her, beyond yourselves. She could very likely develop further non-productive ways, because of her past traumas and bad experiences, that she very likely was not old enough to be able to understand with the right perspective. Though it all seems perfectly logical to you both, it seems neither of your approaches are reaching her or helping her. I suspect her inner emotional damage is deeper than you think! I'd say seek professional guidance for her! She should be in a non-judgemental situation where she'll be able to fully open up and maybe start to heal and understand all that has happened to her.

I speak from experience, as I was in a similar situation, at a very young age and had to deal with understanding my own emotional trauma. I turned to a psychologist at 17 and continued therapy for nearly 20 years, until I finally came to a point of being able to understand the how and why of it all. It's not easy! But it's far worse to be acting out by lying as this surely indicates she is also lying to herself. And this method, solves nothing! You'll all just go around in circles! She needs serious guidance! Good luck!

Answer 3

Teenagers lie. The best teenagers with a perfect upbringing in a perfectly happy home lie. It is just what they do. Giving her extra attention just encourages the problem. Tell her if she expects to be treated like an adult, then she needs to act like one. If she can't be honest about things, then she will be treated like a lying child. If her therapy isn't working, get a new therapist. You need to find someone who can connect with your step-daughter and help her get through this.

Answer 4

I think instead of engaging her on how you know she is lying immediately hand out a consequence.....ground her, take away her cell phone, tv, the phone, hanging out with friends, the computer.....etc, etc. Maybe then she will realize that her negative behavior causes negative results. This is also a different approach from yours and your hubby's so maybe it would be a good compromise. Good luck, I hope you figure this one out! Sounds tough.

Answer 5

Yes, she needs therapy.
All of you do. [ including other kids, if you have them ] This is the kind of situation that can progress very badly.
Ask the counselor to help you set up limitations, with punishment AND rewards, for her behavior. You all need to agree on how and when to discipline her, and do it the same way.
Consistency, and rewards [ when she earns them ] are your best weapons.

Answer 6

you should either make her feel bad but not like really really really bad just mildly bad. or you could have a talk with her but don't make it boring, add a little excitment in the conversaion so she will acuatually listen to what you say because teenagers or kids dont listen, they just doze off when their parents say something to them and dont make her answer you by ok because most of the time she is not listening.

Answer 7

I think that she's going to need the help of a psychiatrist to identify exactly why she lies and what she needs to do to stop it. It might very well be beyond her control.

Answer 8

she's looking for attention. if she's had a troubled life, then she might have been neglected, etc. bad attention is still attention. unfortunately, she is looking for it from boys as well. you need to spend some time with her when she isn't in trouble. when her father says that it's a waste of time trying to deal with her, he is basically telling her that she is a waste of his time....

Answer 9

she needs to be caught in her own lie in front of her own friends....if it doesn't embarrass her...she'll keep doing it..

remember..a liar must have a good memory!!!

and yeah..a lot of this could be based upon her need for YOUR attention...

Answer 10

give her a good slap in the mouth (thats what happened to most of 'us' boomers) and things get taken away...cars, t.v., phones, computers, dates, etc...and she might wanna get a job to pay you back for all the things she's done...
Lots of people come from a 'troubled' background, so what...that doesn't make 'us' all liars, cheats, stealers, etc...