HELP.....what should I do with a husband of 11 years, who is so angry, and puts all the blame on me?

Question

I am so confused, do I love him or have I been with him for so long, I forget what true love is?? He has anger issues and on meds for them, but he does fly off the handle at the drop of the hat. Everytime he gets angry, he breaks something, last week he put a hole in the wall, tonight he broke the lid to my rabbits cage. What do I do??? When he gets on this rage, all I feel towards him is HATE.....please help. Is he worth all of this, or am I really to blame. This all started with a game of b-ball between us, when he busted the side of my face with his hand trying to knock the ball out of my hands. I was angry and told him to leave me be for a minute.....he got so pissed, he flew off the handle.

Answer 1

I know where you are coming from on this one hon, I'll tell you honestly all of these people are right. He obviously cannot control his anger. I was in a relationship like this once and it was only 7 1/2 years and we had 2 kids together. Trying to keep the relationship together was not worth all the stuff that the kids and I had to put up with (he had rage and drinking issues). You have to summon every bit of strength you have and leave. It helped me to have my friends, family around me and helping me out as often as they could. If I got weak for a minute or two, they would remind me why I had to. You will be so much better off. You won't have to be walking on eggshells all the time wondering what thing you do next might anger him, that's no way to live. I had to get out and just leave, I left a lot of stuff behind. I left on a day when he wasn't home and had friends help me take what I could, so he wouldn't have warning. I also had support from the battered womens project in my area, the women there are amazing! It has been 9 years since then and I am so glad that I left. 7 years ago I found the man who is now my husband ,and have found that not every man punches walls and throws around furniture. My husband is the type of man that him and I have never raised our voices at each other . We do disagree, but always give each other room to have our own opinions. If it's something important we compromise, it's wonderful. You deserve this type of relationship too. Please use whatever resources you have family, friends, battered womens, etc and let them help you to help yourself. You deserve to be treated kindly, with love and respect, don't accept less than that. There are some great men out there, but he's not one of them my dear.

Answer 2

Your dealing with a lot right now, but your said he is getting help for his anger issues. It is not acceptable to hurt the one you love and this is what he is doing by breaking and busting holes in the walls. He knows it is his fault, but it is easier to blame you than his self. He has to get a handle on this and quick because like you said when he acts this way you only feel hate toward which is understandable. If he wasn't this way when you married him does he say what his anger is due from? Stress will make us do this, but this has to stop before someone gets hurt and that would be you. No one can tell you if he is worth it, you know what kind of man he can be when he isn't angry and going off like this. I can imagine how confused you must be, when I was married to my ex he showed some of the same, blaming me for anything and everything. I heard so many times it yours fault that sometimes I even started to believe it, but it isn't no one's fault except the person who has the anger issue.

Answer 3

Girl it's time to pack your bags and leave before you get seriously hurt. It's just a matter of time. Go someplace to stay where you will feel safe from him ( parents, sibling, friend etc.) and tell him the medication is obviously not working and he needs to to get some serious therapy.

You should stick with him (he is your husband after all) if he seeks help. Once he gets things under control, then you can consider going back with him. Perhaps at some point you'll need to go to therapy with him to work on "issues" between the both of you.

But remeber your physical safety should come first!

Answer 4

It's not you. He has a anger management problem & he is only going to get worse. Leave him now, there's a thin line between love & hate as long as he treats you that way he will kill your love for him.My 2nd &3rd husband were the same,yes i remarriedhim 2 x's. The 2nd x was so bad on our 1st annv. i was in MO he in Texas have never seen him since & never will. I prayed every day for 6 mths & God gave me my answer. No woman should ever be treated like that.You can e-mail me if u want any x. BIG HUGS------- STAR

Answer 5

Wow & Ouch! YOU have to make the decision to stay or not, but I would definately go to counciling for myself first. I then would see if he would be willing to go with you & if he didn't then I think you will be strong enough mentally to do whats right for yourself. I do know this....I know that when you love someone that you don't hit,call names, get pissed & walk away when it's his fault. I'm not accusing him of doing these things to you but I'm sure some fell into the catagory. Take care of yourself girl & decide when enough is enough before he really breaks you down to where you feel like your nothing. Life is what you make of it so step up to the plate & get a home run!!

Answer 6

Honey, you aren't to blame for his outbursts, but you are to blame for tolerating them. people only treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. If this is altering your life and you no longer want to accept it as a part of who he is, then tell him that. And if he lays a hand on you, call the police. Often times, a night in jail is a lesson learned about what you are no longer willing to put up with. If he truly cares, he'll seek the counseling he needs to deal with his issues...if he doesn't, then you are no more than his punching bag and anger outlet and he needs to go.

Answer 7

Go live somewhere else for a while. You don't want to wait for the day he goes too far and punches you into a coma. Tell him that you won't come back unless he agrees to go to counseling. While you are away, think about what this relationship means to you and whether you still love him.

Answer 8

At least you are playing with him still. Remind him that he hurts you when he plays ruff. If you know he has a problem maybe you could talk to him in a different manner that wont upset him. Maybe you can get his meds changed to some that work.

Answer 9

Seek professional help.

Answer 10

Welcome to the "mistreated wives association." not much you can do but leave him. he needs anger management.