Should I ask for a Divorce or stick it out?

Question

Okay I am confused to say the least. I am married 26 and have been married for 8 years and we have children together. My husband and I married young I was 18 he was 21. We knew eachother for only 6 months. Our whole marriage has been a roller coaster. We fight alot. And there has been both physical and verbal abuse on both sides....but mostly his. He has a very bad anger problem. I dont feel in love anymore. But I feel selfish to leave because of the kids. We are no longer fighting. But we dont really act like we are married either. IE I dont think I am in love anymore after all the things we have been through. I love him but I am not in love with him. He says that is stupid because no one stays "in love". I dont feel like he appreciates me or the kids. And he is reluctant to change. I still care for him deeply and would never want to hurt him or see him hurt but I also want to be happy. We also have isues with his family...they are very demeaning to me and my family. I feel very stuck

We tried couneling once to no avail. He is being nicer now. But I dont feel the same. I just feel alot of guilt. He loves me and loves our kids. But we have nothing in common and rarely get along. He has really hurt me once out of anger. It has been a few years ago. But I can't get past it. Even though he says it will never happen again. I have been taking better care of myself and signed up for school and lost a lot of weight and I feel like a differant person. But I dont know if he deserves to be with me anymore. He does provide for us financially. But that is where it ends. He doesnt spend time with me or the kids. He is either watching TV or playing video games. I am married.....but I feel like a single Mom. We are both christians which is also contributing to my guilt. I guess I just want to feel loved like I am important. I want to be with someone who will spend time with my kids and be a good role model. Should I continue to stay and try to make hin that person? It is very sad

Answer 1

It is clear that you are not happy. It is clear that you want out. You feel guilty about the kids, and the opposition that you are going to get from him. He is right that the "in love" feeling you feel in the beginning evolved and matures into something else, but that ain't what you got either. The verbal/physical thing - total deal breaker. My dear, you will have it really tough because of the children, but it sounds like you've been driving this relationship on "empty." It sounds that change is not possible from him, and so you need to "change" to be happy, and that will mean removing yourself from the relationship. Look carefully at your options in leaving, because of the kids. But start realistically planning the divorce emotionally, phsycologically, spiritually and financially. It will be painful, but in the end you need to care of yourself to be a good mother to your kids. Good luck.

Answer 2

You were very young when you married and more than likely both of you had a misconception about marriage. It's not realistic to think that the passion of the first few months is going to remain. It's much more normal to settle down into a pattern of learning to settle problems together; learning to deal with the issues of life: work, money, child rearing, compromise, decision making as a couple. I'm struck by the fact that you say you love him but are no longer in love with him. Are you sure? Do YOU appreciate HIM? Does he work and provide for you and the children? Since you married so young and had children rather quickly, you probably do "feel stuck" because you missed the freedom of a few more years to mature before you married. But I would hope that the two of you could still find it possible to make a happy life together.
He could get some anger management help. You could both use some counseling to learn to do those things to/for each other that make each of you feel appreciated and treasured. Love changes as your situation changes throughout life. Passion may burn down to a warm glow in real life but the fact that don't want to hurt him says a lot. Don't give up on your marriage. Seek some help. Be gentle with each other. Voice your appreciation for the little things that make you remember why you chose him. MAKE TIME for the two of you. You may not be able to take a cruise but you can take a walk; go out for coffee; cuddle on the sofa after the kids are asleep. This marriage is not in the ditch but it has some rough spots to be smoothed out. I wish you and your family the best.

Answer 3

Confusion, yes, add mayhem and the roller coaster and I might believe you!
Just because we stand before a minister and say I do doesn't mean we'll ever really do it! I think every couple should have a tape-recording of their wedding. They should sit down on the couch together every few weeks, hold hands and play it back. Especially the part " Do you promise ". Listen to all those things you said " I DO" to. Then ask yourselves " are we doing it "? Did we do it today?
Did you ever buy one of those Xmas toys for your kid that comes in about 1000 pieces? You spent days, no weeks, putting it together. You needed a screwdriver, pliers, and a hammer. You scratched it and had to repaint it. You broke a piece off and had to glue it back on. The directions didn't make any sense, but you'd have been lost without them.
Well marriage is a bit like that. We see a happily married couple, and we say, " that's for me! When I find the right one, I'm getting married." But we forget that happiness is more than finding the right partner; it's also being the " right partner." That happily married couple didn't get that way by accident any more than that toy you bought for Xmas. It took hard work and determination. It required reading and understanding and following directions.
Marriage does not solve all problems. In fact it creates quite a few. But having created the problems, it provides you a companion to solve them with. Before you can solve a problem, you have to understand what your problem is. Usually we take the attitude that our partner is the problem.
When you got married, you were sure that you had found the ideal mate. But since then, a lot of water and a lot of childish illusions have gone over the dam. Your dreams are shattered and now your eyes are opened. But the trouble is, your eyes are opened now to see only the faults. You've forgotten about the virtues.
The problem isn't this fault or that weakness in your partner. The underlying basic problem in any marriage is immaturity. It's childishness. Not in age or in actions, necessarily, but in attitude. Children are self-centered. They want their own way. They cannot gracefully accept criticism or contradiction. And they cannot quickly adjust to the situation.
Marriage is, inevitably full of adjustments. And that's not adjusting your partner but adjusting to your mate. That doesn't come easily. It's not natural; it's supernatural!
Unfortunately, we all have a fantastic talent for ignoring our own responsibility for our troubles. Likewise, in marriage, if either of you are perfectly satisfied with your contributions to the relationship, their's no way to save your marriage. Clearly you each see in each other all the places where you could improve without looking at yourselves. Your blind to your own faults. Reality check here, we cannot change anybody. We have to change our own habits and attitudes and when we do, there will be a change in the way we are to each other. Everything depends on your willingness to change your attitudes.
One of the big problems is the fairy-tale romance idea. Don't get me wrong; romance is great, it's beautiful. But under the blanket of romance smolders the " battle of the sexes. " Each partner is afraid lest the other gain dominance. And when the time is right the battle is on, romance turns sour, and each mate is blaming the other. It's much easier to blame blindly than to be a mature marriage partner. It's easier to berate our mate for poor performance than to evaluate our own contribution and become a more productive person.
It often comes as a shock to couples to discover that marriage doesn't make people happy. It isn't suppose to do anything for anybody. People do something for the marriage. By giving, working, growing and serving. And as for happiness, that's the by-product. You live for your partner, and happiness comes back to you in increasing measures. Marriage is not for the childish and immature, for those looking for someone to make them happy. We get out of it by what we put into it.
What you both need to do is sit down and start communicating. Choose a quiet romantic spot and start building up your relationship instead of sitting alone figuring how to end it. God Bless

Answer 4

Try sticking around for a bit more you gotta think about the kids as well its pretty hard too rasing kids by your self. Try arousing him go on a date for a night, go to a nice restuarant, have fun with him one night and try to get back that spark teens always get by going out togther leave the kids at family so even after you come home you guys have the rest of the night to your selves.

Answer 5

I would tell him exactly how I felt and why! And ask him to see a marriage councilor with u! But if he refuses then id ask him for a divorce u and your kids deserve to be happy, and staying in a marriage that is bad is not good for the kids especially when they see violence.... good luck

Answer 6

I think that if you are not happy then you should get a divorce,if he is not willing to make an effort to change at all. Why prolong the inevitable. Sorry.

Answer 7

You cannot change him and he made it clear it doesn't want to change. Move on, unstick yourself.