What do I do about the kids?

Question

My soon to be ex-husband is a drug addict living in his car, jobless, homeless, he has nothing. He came to visit our two sons on Sunday and he sneakingly got in my purse stole my atm bank card and went and took $300 out of my bank account. I'm so mad, I don't ever want him over to my house again or to see our kids. I also realized that he stole our 7 year old son's piggy bank, it is gone from its hiding spot. Do I still allow him to see the children? I'm so mad and I reported him to the police and everything. Am I right by not allowing him to come see the kids anymore, or am i just being selffish because I'm angry for what he did? I just feel he stole money from his wife, the mother of his children, to me that is stealing money from his own kids mouths.
Should I keep him away for good? It has been 8 years of this marriage and he's been a on and off drug addict the entire time. Are my kids better off with their dad out of the picture? I just want the best for my boys. Help!!!!

Answer 1

You have every right to protect your boys. Call up child support, and DDS and let them know of the situation. That way if he ever gets up th nerve to fight you for the boys you have documentation of what has been happening.

Answer 2

One thing is for sure; if you do decide to keep him from seeing his kids (who are also yours), they may hold it against you. You may never want him in your house again but it might be just as effective to hide anything of value and keep it under lock and key somewhere. He's a drug addict. He can't control a drug habit so why expect him to have high standards in other parts of his life, too.
Take the police report and go back to court to amend the visitiation conditions so that from now on he has to be supervised when he is with the kids. Would you want a drug addict driving your kids around, for example?
As for letting him in your house, he may feel that it is his own private piggy bank anyway. He may think that even if the valuable stuff such as money, etc., is hidden away, he has the right to let himself in and ransack the place to find something he can use for money or hock.
His addiction is behind this. I'm not trying to let him off the hook at all or excuse his behavior at all. By all means, the police should be notified whenever he commits a crime such as stealing. I'm saying that you should respond to the addiction, not the 'person' you think you know.
One thing a lot of people don't realize about a thief is that when they start stealing, robbing people's homes, for example, they look for the easiest score. If it's a house they have in mind to rob, they will test doorknobs and open the door to a house if they think the people are at work (no car in the driveway). They want to get in and out easily, quickly, unobtrusively. An apartment I lived in was robbed this way early on a Sunday morning and my roommates and I actually met the thief. He was dressed in his Sunday 'breakfast with the family' clothes; in fact, he was better dressed than any of us could afford.
If your husband knows your house so well and wants to steal again, he would much rather steal from you than risk an area he doesn't know. Thieves also study their mark so they know when the person leaves the house.
This is a good explanation of why you need a security system but also an explanation about why you should never leave your door unlocked. (Our apartment door was unlocked because we had an idiot roommate!)
Be much more aware of your husband's thieving instincts and share, little by little, information with your kids about their dad's addiction. He may turn to them for help if he thinks you are an advsersary in his quest to make your home his own private 'bank account.' The kids should know anyway - at some point, you will have to explain that certain behavior is not good behavior.

Answer 3

To answer your question about keeping him away from the children - their safety is of primary importance. Things sound like they will progress further into trouble. Legally, you must do something to set up what is called supervised visits. That way he can see the children under supervision - preferably at another location than your home. Also, cleaning up his act should be his first priority and then getting more time with his children should be a reward for him. It sounds cruel, but he needs motivation and if that doesn't motivate a person to do better and be better- nothing will. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Just be fair and always consider the children. They really don't need to be around a drug addict stealer right now - or ever if that keeps up. Remind them they are loved, but daddy is sick right now and must get better...

Answer 4

I know that you are feeling frustrated and angry at your drug addict husband and it seems that you're frustration is a result of finding yourself repeating scenarios of the life you shared while together. Like you said that he has done this before to your family.
Your husband being the addict needs to own up, to get honest, so to speak, before he can help himself, or for that matter, anyone else, including you. Typically, a drug addict knows how to use the emotional vulnerabilities of others and yes, that would include his own family. I am glad to see that you've admitted that your helpless to help him and I believe that you've taken the right step by asking him to leave. By accepting the hard reality that there is nothing that you can do for your husband will free you to examine the choices that you do have to respond to, such as your children and what is best for them.
The most difficult problems are always those where the responsibility for change is ambiguous. And here I'm referring to the decision of your children's future. You have the leverage to decide what is best for them now. The alternative to stop all contact from their father would remove them from the exposure of his addiction and negativity, but the emotional price in terms of the guilt, loneliness, and loss of a father contact might prove to be too high a price to pay in the end.
The wisdom to know the difference between the choices where you have no control and must accept the fact and those where you do have control and need the courage to excercise it judiciously is acquired through trial and error learning and careful observation. What do my children want now and later in their life is a tough decision to make.
I would suggest a temporay separation from his children until he has gotten the help that he needs. Once he has the help that he needs, I would suggest supervised visitation as we have to remember that he is their father and at this point, recovering. But until he's able to play that role again separation has to be mandated for the sake of the children and yourself. This will not happen overnight, and if the children are old enough they have to know the truth.
My dear, when you feel down over a situation ( such as the stolen money) and you would like alter the feelings involved, focus on your control. Even in those situations where your direct control is negligible, you can choose to react in ways that will lessen your frustrations and feelings. And when you have a substantial degree of control in changing circumstances that are holding you down, focus on your responsibility to yourself to do what you can to be happier. Where your control is limited and the issues are unclear, remember that developing your alternatives of whether or not the actions you take completely remedy the situation. This, my dear, will lessen your sense of helplessness.
Good luck and hope my little sermon has helped you in some way. God Bless

Answer 5

TOUGH LOVE is what he needs....
Meaning...no contact at all with the kids or with you until he is clean and sober and not stealing children's piggy banks. Believe me, you will be doing HIM a favor as well as protecting your children from his bad influence if you seek a restraining order right now.
I am sorry for the boys, but be honest and let them know that Daddy is sick with an illness of addiction, and he needs time to heal and it is okay for them to love him and miss him, but for now it is giving him a reason to get better. Then get another male figure like grandpa to really step up to the plate.

Get the kids into an al-anon type of support group if possible.
Good luck.

Answer 6

Until he gets clean and gets his life straight, YES the kids are better off without him. You were right to turn him in to the police. Press charges and get him put in jail. Maybe that'll be the wake-up call he needs. If he doesn't go to jail, then take the kids as far away from him as possible, or the whole situation could blow up into something terrible. Explain to your kids that daddy is having some trouble right now, and that it's best for them to not see him. Explain to their dad that he's no longer allowed around them, or in the house, at all until he goes through rehab and cleans up. Get a court order if you have to.

Answer 7

You better get a protective restraining order against him to stay away as far as possible.This is not a good scenario for the kids so you better act quickly. Even though he is your ex, you can still get into trouble ifhes hanging around and if he accidentally leaves ny drugs there,you could stand a realgood chance of having your house confiscated and children turned over to social-services for drugs found.Not good but once it happen you will have a nightmare on your hands beyond anything you could dream of. Get him out of the picture. Good luck

Answer 8

I'm very sorry for that. No man or woman should take money from a kids mouth..NO MATTER WHAT..You need to speak to your attorney and see what the best advice is that way you can't get into any trouble by keeping your soon to be ex away. Your lawyer will advise you with the best solution. He may keep him away until he gets help and is sober. But your lawyer will know what to do. Good Luck to you

Answer 9

For the time being, I would say that the best thing for the kids is to keep him away. Let him prove himself and stay clean for a couple of years, then ask the kids if they are ready to give him another shot.

Answer 10

Not until he's clean and sober and if he doesn't clean up then never again. Why do you want your sons to see dad the crackhead? That's nothing you wnat them to learn to do. There's not a court in the country who will say you have to let him see his kids when he's strung out.