I never have understood this Why Do Divorced Parents Punish the Children?

Question

Why do divorce parents not grow up and try to be friendly toward their ex- spouse instead of getting "at" them through their children.?

Why do they not see that hurts their own child(ren)?

And why does the second wife try to get "even" with the first wife? After all the first wife doesn't want to the ex any more she's gone with her life, but they have mutual children that sometimes needs to be talked about.

It is all SOOOOO CHILDISH!

I've been married 37 years this next week... so I haven't experienced this... it's through friends and others.

Answer 1

Think about all the intimate details and idiosyncrasies about yourself that your spouse knows. Now put them in the hands of someone whom you despise. In any post-marital conflict, you can almost always attribute the root cause to anger, embarrassment, or simple insecurity. They fight using the only tools they have: usually money and/or kids. But they fail to realize that they only end up wasting their money and hurting their children - Ever play chess? Pawns are useful, but rarely survive.

Answer 2

What comes to my mind is that far too many people start having children with no idea as to what is involved. First of all, a proper set of parents have first committed themselves 100% to the other person; they must become completely self-less. Each gives him/herself to the other with the assurance that the other is doing likewise. This does not often occur. If it does not, no children should be brought into the family. Only after it is established that each parent is completely given to the other, then when children are born, each parent gives their entire soul anew to each child. In the end, a true successful family consists only of selfless people. This leads to the real point of my rant here: The best way that my wife and I found to accomplish this with newborn babies clear into adulthood is to LITERALLY respect each child from birth above and beyond every single other person in existence. The child learns that a parent's love overshadows all other people and all other things. From that example (the best teacher is example), the child learns true love, trust, and respect. Doing ANYTHING that hurts a child destroys such a relationship. Yet I have seen parents treat their own children worse than a criminal or sewer rat. When a child understands that the very people who in the ultimate act of love brought him/her into life DO NOT LOVE them, who in all the world will love them? And here is my keystone: we raised three children into adulthood and NEVER did any of them ever do a single, solitary thing to cause my wife or me a moment of grief. There has never been a harsh word exchanged between any children and parent in this family. So, while there may be a world of people who will disagree with our method of child-raising, who among those can claim such a thing in all honesty? I will always say this, "I cannot imagine Jesus hurting a child in any way. Why should it be okay for a child's own parent to not follow His example?" And I am an atheist.

Answer 3

I really wish I knew. My first husband and I divorced and we never used the kids as a weapon between us. Believe me I had reason to, but I thought it was wrong. My current husbands ex tries to use his kids against him any chance she gets....ie telling him his kids are sick so he can't have them on his weekends and then telling the kids he doesn't want to see them. Well my kids are well adjusted and doing well in school and on their way to making a life for themselves and my husbands kids have been kicked out of school are not well adjusted and have no hope for a good life. We have contacted the courts and a lawyer and he has no hope of enforcing any of the court orders with out it costing us at least $50,000. It is soooooooo sad that some people refuse to put their children first. Unfortunatlly some people look at kids as a paycheck and nothing more.

Answer 4

I guess ex wife like to hurt the ex buy using the kids as pons.. When I left my ex..I found out he was having affair..but in no means did i stop him from seeing his kids..but on the other hand I was trying to get him to see his kids and he would run away. One lady he was with wanted to bring her kids into Canada and was willing to help him get is kids from me for reason i don't know and then when he get his kids she would make sure they were put into a boarding school while she would bring her two here. It never happen..and then the next one he was with..hehehe he was with two Lady's at that same time and got one preg. His kids found it very hard cause daddy would not come. I had to tell the kids that daddy was working to hard...I could not tell the kids the truth what really happen. He got married to the wife he got preg and she tried all the time to stop me from talking with my kids father. the kids left MSG for there dad and she would delete them and lie to him and say they never called..I don't like to see children hurt and used a pons but it happens. He could not understand why he was not told about the school events his kids were in..well cause she got rid of the calls..New women in a ex life will always be jealous cause they don't have kids at that point and at it when a ex is still part of the mans life. Some women just don't understand. And yes I agree with you 100% it is childish if another women thinks if she gets married to a men she can try to stop him for talking to his kids..or his ex when she tells him his child ended up in the hospital..just cause your marrage has ended..it doen't mean your life with your kid ends..I never used my kids to hate there father or use them ..we left on good ties..As after it was all over I had other things better in my life and that was to look and raise my kids..kids it takes a bit for them to understand but it the parnets that need to stop the control on children and to use them to hurt the other ex..it's not fare to the child

Answer 5

I'm divorced, and neither my ex-h or I use our child as bait to get back at each other. My ex-h new wife is calm and doesn't try to "get back at me" or vice-versa. I hold no grudges against her, I have other things to do and have no desire to indulge in hatred,

Although I can't stand my ex-h, we do make amends and remain civil for the sake of our son. His new wife doesn't interfere at all and we made a pact not to talk bad about the other in front of our son.

Good luck

Answer 6

i know i wish i knew the reason for a woman to act up with the ex when she dont want him no more and thats why theu arent together but there are crazy ppl out here lets not forget i understand why some woamn have funk with exs or the ex with the new one if they were broken up by the other but if someone isnt with their ex that means ythey are through with them why not leave the babymama alone

Answer 7

Selfishness and narcissistic.

Answer 8

IGNORANCE!!

Answer 9

cause most people are a**holes, duh. that's why you don't have 2000 friends