ZERO
I don't know why that I have to pretend,
The sum of my life just a box of old sand
I e-mailed you back but I never pressed send
The scars of my life like the veins on my hand
I never ever thought that I'd grow up a zero
My life just a relic in some forgotten old ruin
I never set out trying to be someones damn hero
Right now I'm as dangerous as a kitten thats mewing
It's time to go home, my car and a wall
A box is forever my home for eternity
If I listen real hard I hear lucifer call
Just come take my hand and I'll show you serenity.
A girl dressed in black with no eyes in her face
It's all over now can you feel my contempt
Another girl appears her face covered in lace
God he looks down and say's "It's too late to repent"
2007-05-29 09:51:30 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
OMG!! I read your poem earlier, and I thought it was great. I read this one, and it is sooo awesome!! God!!! Do you think of these on the spot, and they just flow, or do you have a bunch saved up, and you simply post them occassionally. I have another question for you: do you share these amongst friends and family? I'm sort of afraid to, because I don't often write about myself in these situations. I think they'll judge me too fast, and harshly, but maybe I'm being hypocritical by not giving them a chance. Idk! Anyway, another knock out poem, keep em coming!
2007-05-29 10:28:46 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it but, and this could be me, it seemed to be a bit awkward in the reading. You rhymed but I missed the meter of it. Like I'm not sure what you mean by, "A box is forever my home for eternity." That sort of jumps out of nowwhere after you talk about going home to your car and a wall. I like where you're heading with it though. Keep up the good work.
2007-05-29 10:12:07 · answer #2 · answered by Bill 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sorry, I don't l like it and here's why: in the first stanza, the alternating last words are too close in sound, there's just not enought contrast. The second line is gramatically incorrect. In the second stanza, hero and zero are very cliche, while ruin and mewing don't rhyme. In the third, wall and call are very simplistic rhymes while eternity and serenity don't rhyme. And again, in stanza four, face and lace are very simplistic, while contempt and repent don't rhyme. All that plus it makes no sense to me. But keep working at it...and get used to being critiqued.
2007-05-29 10:06:40 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is really good. I'm wondering though what the phrases referring to the girls with no eyes and the one who has her face covered actually refer to.
2007-05-29 13:11:35 · answer #4 · answered by ace 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like everything about the poem, but this one line:
Just come take my hand and I'll show you serenity.
I just don't think it fits with the way you have phrased your thoughts and words. JMO
2007-05-29 09:56:29 · answer #5 · answered by Beach Saint 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
oh well that is really good you should make a book and have it look at by some professional you never know
cause you really have some great poems.
2007-05-29 19:21:10 · answer #6 · answered by wombats 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is great! I look for your posts, because I like to read your poems. You're a terrific poet. :)
2007-05-29 09:56:06 · answer #7 · answered by lauriafern 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like a teenager's sad plea for help.
I'm sorry, but I don't care for it much.
2007-05-29 09:58:06 · answer #8 · answered by Amy 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good. Ever think of being published?
2007-05-29 09:55:34 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Another great poem.
2007-05-29 11:14:44 · answer #10 · answered by behind_infinity0123 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋