How do I deal...?

Question

I have been married for almost 5 years. At the time I met my husband I was thinner. In the last 2.5 years I started having thyroid problems & my health was declining. I was gaining weight & miserable.
During this time my husband became less attracted to me. He was spending more time at the bars or out gambling (has a gambling addiction) He is distant with me & has said he wants to meet other women.
Now my thyroid has been in normal range & I have lost nearly 40 lbs so far. Every day he asks me how much weight I have lost & seems to be watching me closely through my weight loss.
I'm losing interest in the marriage as a result. Why is this happening? How can I stay married to someone who only cares about how I look to him? Do men fall out of love that instant? When I get to my goal weight, I'm considering leaving my husband. I can't accept the fact that he will only love me because of how I look. Is this how all men are?? If so, that just pathetic!! Does anyone else feel this way?

Answer 1

Q:Why is this happening?
A: It sounds to me like his love for you was conditional (based on your appearance) rather than unconditional. If his love was true he would be supportive and providing encouragenment rather than drinking, gambling and seeking other women.

Q:How can I stay married to someone who only cares about how I look to him?
A:You would be miserable to stay married to him if he didn't change. However, after almost 5 years it might help to have a "no punches pulled" talk with him (maybe with a 3rd party present) and get everything on the table. He might want to prove to you that he is a better man than he's demonstrated lately.

Q: Do men fall out of love that instant?
A: No, they don't fall out of love quickly. However, if it was never love in the first place, but lust or infatuation, then yes, that is fleeting. Love represents a commitment that goes beyond happy feelings and sexual arousal. If he were really in love, he wouldn't fall out of it quickly.

Q:Is this how all men are??
A:Not all men are the way you're describing your husband. However, almost all men have trouble emotionally connecting, expressing their feelings and expressing hurt, disappointment and fear without it coming across as anger or diverting it with addictions (gambling, drinking, pornography, etc.) because they don't know how to deal with it.

I highly recommend marriage counseling and frank discussion of your problems to see if you can salvage your marriage. If it doesn't work out, you can walk away with a clear conscience and a sexy, thinner you!! :-D

Answer 2

Your feeling that he only cares about you if you are a certain weight have got to be devastating. Love doesn't stop if someone weighs a certain amount or doesn't. Love doesn't stop if someone is injured in the war or a car accident. Your husband is not understanding what true love is and you can't make him do this.

Seek certified Christian counseling. You may need to move on or, with counseling, both of you could learn to love each other the way that God intended for a married couple. Don't do anything until you have had counseling.

P.S. It is not out of the question that each partner in a marriage should expect the other one to remain faithful, be encouraging and try to look as nice as possible for the other one. Possibly he was trying to get you to lose weight by the wrong method.

Answer 3

I think its kind of sad that he has been like that to you...especially where it has been a thyroid issue, and beyond your control. Not ALL men are like that...but I do think its kind of crappy that he is acting like that...it would make me feel like in the time we have been married he hasn't chosen to connect with me on any other level than physical attraction. I don't think there is anything wrong with you losing interest as a result....If your husband is telling you he wants to see other people because of a weight issue, and now is kinda acting like he might stick around if you lose weight...you have every right to lose interest...you can find someone who will love you no matter what happens....I ask my fiance if I end up being bigger ever as a result of not being able to lose baby weight if he will still be attracted to me...and he still is, and I just had a baby and feel gross...but he does everything he can to make me feel good...I think its your decision in the long run...and if you think you should leave...you shouldnt feel bad. He hasn't made you feel good....so just do what will make you happy, then he can see what he lost and maybe he will learn how to treat women. Good luck.

Answer 4

First of all, I'm very sorry that he's being a dork. Secondly, you have been true to yourself and need to remain so. I think your gut had already told you that by being disinterested in the marriage. I am not into telling people to get a divorce, but you guys need to talk or get a church clergy (if you're religious) or a shrink to mediate. Preferably a guy because you don't want him to think that he's being ganged up on. However, if you truly feel that way, then you need to do what's best for you.

The other thing is, you need to be healthy for you, not for him or for other men. Do what's best for you. I don't know if all men are like that, I'm sure most are vain, mine included. But it's how they handle themselves that makes a difference. Just remember, you were doing well before you met him and you will be able to do well again without him. Be strong!

Wish you the best of luck.

Answer 5

Men are visual when it comes to getting aroused. Although I do feel as you do, his love should have over come his failing desire and should have been the glue that held it all together. Appears your guy only focused on his own needs and was not there for you with the love and understanding you so needed. I feel your marriage could still have a chance if he can through therapy come to understand how this has affected you. It was not that he did not love you, it was that he has not learned how to set his priorities when it comes to what he should value in life. I do hope you both can get the help you need to repair what there is left of your marriage. Best of luck to you both!

Answer 6

Some men are just stupid. To worry about your weight instead of your health is wrong. He should be standing by your side helping you with your recovery. No, don't wait, if you are thinking about leaving him, do it now. If you wait he might he may srart telling you how great you look and how much he loves you. But the moment to gain two pounds, he will start spending time away again.

Answer 7

I assure you, not all men will only love you for your looks. This guy sounds very shallow...and not worth your time. When I was battling anorexia and B.E.D, my fiance made it a point to tell me that he loves every curve of my body, no matter how much my weight fluctuated. That support and unconditional love is what helps me focus on my recovery. Why wait until you reach your goal weight to be rid of this parasite? Get out now, and start your life fresh!

Answer 8

Being on thyroid medicine can be a catalyst of depression. If your taking synthroid, you should also be on an anti-depressant.

Get marriage counseling.

It shouldn't be this way, but maybe he isn't attracted to BBW? Now that your turning back into the girl he married he's attracted to you again.

Answer 9

No, not all men are like that. Some say, "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse," and they mean it. You didn't ask the right question. The question you should have asked, you should have asked of yourself long ago -- when you first met your husband. And that question is this: Does this man truly love me? Am I just a pretty face and pair of legs to him, or does he truly love me?

You didn't ask that question. You are asking it now. How sad . . . .

Answer 10

In my experience...........a person either loves you truly or they don't. someone who only loves you when your thin but not when you put on a few pounds doesn't really love you.

I am heavy myself, and have never been truly thin. I have always only went for thin men, or at least was never attracted to a man who was heavy. Low and behold, my first love came back into the picture........and he has put on quite a lot of weight. He definitely has a pot belly going on, but ya know what? I love him just as much as I ever did. he's still sexy as he%@ to me and always will be. My love for him hasn't changed just because he wears bigger clothes....and if your hubby truly loved you it would be YOU he was in love with and not just your size.

Sorry it's sad but true. I weight MUCH more than I did the first time around and my man loves me just as much if not more.