help me understand her reasons?

Question

Me & wife have been together for 5 years married for 3. We had our normal relationship problems & I wasn't the best man I could have been but always respected her & never cheated on her. We had some finacial problems & fighted over them. Then she came to me & said she was unhappy with me & herself that she needed space & that she didn't love me any more but she stayed for 2 more weeks & I thought we where trying to work things out when out of the blue she left in the middle of the night & hasn't been home since. We went to a couple of counseling classes & she quit them. We have been seperated now for 3 months & it has broken my heart also the first thing she did when she left me was go & get a boob job! We have a daughter that is 2 years old. Her family & I are very dissapionted & sad & just do not understand why she's doing all this & why I deserved this! I would just like for somone to help understand is this out of selfishness or could I have been a better man! I love this woman very much!!

Answer 1

i wish i coudl help :( good luck!

Answer 2

She's not happy with herself. If she doesn't love herself then it's hard to love others. Nothing can change her way of thinking but herself. She has to want to get help and change. A boob job won't fix the problem. Even an affair will fix it.

However, the best you can do is know that you are not to blame. If you've done ALL you can to keep the marriage together and she doesn't want a part of it... it's not in your hands anymore.

You have the right to let her go... sometimes that is what you HAVE to do for the person you love so very much. But let her know that you didn't want this to happen, and it was HER choice to push you and the family away.

Protect your little girl. Have respect for yourself and your values. Love your wife, but don't let her selfishness pull you down with her. Sometimes you have to break off the negative aspect of your life just to keep your head above water. Don't drown... for your daughters sake. Stay strong.

If needed continue the counseling on your own... you could probably use someone to talk to -who understand your situation.

Answer 3

It sounds to me like she was dissatisfied in the marriage. Maybe feeling she was in a rut and that the world was passing her by and she wanted some excitement.

For what it's worth, the problem wasn't just you.

When people marry, the newness and freshness of the marriage is exciting and intoxicating. After years (5 in your situation) the union (changes). The newness is gone and the Love changes. Sounds like she's decided to try to find happiness instead of making happiness where she already is.

It's a sad thing when a person chases "happiness" because they never find it to be lasting.

I'm sorry that what you had ended this way. At this juncture there really isn't anything you can do or say to change what she's decided to do. The "breast enhancement" is just her way of getting a head start (giving her an edge if you will) on all of the females that she views as her competitors. She wants excitement, she wants new experiences and she is going at it with a vengence because she's decided in her own mind that she's missed out for all this time.

Her blessings are in the home that you both shared .. but her mindset is one of a narcisist. She's unreachable at this time because her priority is "herself".

If I may suggest: You need to see a counsellor or clergyman to help you in getting past this experience. Move forward.
On that note I'd also suggest that you seek a very good divorce lawyer. Advise him of everything that you've advised this forum. Your wife has made her decision but shouldn't be allowed to confuse your child by bringing her into the new world she's envisioned for herself.

I have a male friend who went through the same thing. Due to his "Love" for his wife, he didn't fight for anything and as the innocent party in the whole fiasco, he lost everything (including his child). As gut wrenching as this is for you right now, .. consider your child FIRST and what is in HER best interest.

In answer to your question: "Could I have been a better man?"
Sounds like you were pretty "normal" to me.
What she wants is something that you couldn't give her.. unless of course you could provide her with a lifestyle of partys, men, trips to anywhere at anytime at the drop of a hat, unlimited funds for every desire or whim.
Move on, love your child and be the best father you know how to be. Life goes on and on that life journey we learn some hard lessons and sometimes those lessons aren't fair or just.

Answer 4

I am sorry you are in pain. I know how much this hurts. its important to take time to grieve the loss.

First of all, how her family feels is their problem, not yours. It really doesn't matter how they feel.

I don't think you can ever get answer to this from your wife that would satify you. Who knows, she may not even know why she left the marriage. It could be more about her issues than about you.

I think the best thing you can do is take a deep look inside of you and be very honest with yourself about the ways you weren't the best man you could have been.

I think you will feel much better if you keep the focus on yourself rather than trying to figure her out. Childhood wounds have a great tendency to surface during intimate relationships because that is where we first experienced intimacy.

You might think back to your childhood and see if any of your marriage reminds you of your childhood or your parents. Doing this is a great way of keeping the focus on you which lessens the current pain.

This loss brings up your feelings of all the losses in your life, not just your wife.

It might be a good time to see a counselor to examine your part in the ending of your marriage and how you can now sretch and grow into a better person and futrue partner.

Also, a good therpist can offer you support which is very important at a time like this.

Answer 5

What she is trying to tell you or let you see...is that she really is unhappy in this relationship. There has to be somewhere along the line where your relationship with her fell off the road. You sound like a very respectable husband to be with. I'm sorry to tell you this, but if she's is acting the way she's acting now, that should tell you she wants out. She also told you this too herself.

I know this will be very hard for you to just try and move on with your life without her. Even if you do share a daughter together. You can't force her to love you or feel for you if she don't want try and work things out with you. It would be best just to take it day by day and give her that space that she ask for. Maybe then she will realize what she is going to lose. For now just keep your concerns on your little girl. Good luck to you...

Answer 6

From your description, this does not sound like something that is your fault. I think she just freaked out and maybe longed for the old days when she was young and felt there was less stress in life...sounds like an early mid-life crisis. Anyway, I am very sorry and hope that if things don't work out with her then you will find someone who is sure of the relationship. For now, I would recommend giving her some space and hopefully she will find that she misses you and made a mistake. If not though, don't wait for too long or else you are putting your entire life on hold for nothing. Sorry and good luck.

Answer 7

Wow... that is really sad. I'm sorry that you have been going through al of that. First of all, you can't blame yourself. No marriage problem is ever %100 one person's fault (If there was no cheating anyway). It's good though that you can admit that there were some things that you could have done differently... no one is perfect, but don't dwell on it. The thing you need to focus on is your little girl. Turn to Jesus for help. He loves you and wants to help you through this storm. When you let God's love radiate through your life, hopefully your wife will see it and know she needs the same thing. God hears you and loves you.
Isaiah 40:31, "Yet those who wait for the Lord they will gain new strength; They will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."

Answer 8

1) She is selfish
2) She is immature
3) She feels like she wants to be "hot" again, possibly by attracting a new man.
4) She watches too much TV, giving her unrealistic expectations that you could not hope to fulfill.

Question to be honest about: Were you married after you found out about your pregnancy or before? Women who marry while pregnant often never get over feeling cheated and forced into the marriage even if it is something they really wanted to do. It is a marriage killer and hurts the female self-esteem.

Another Question: Does she feel that you "pursued" her or that you "settled" for her?

Nothing excuses her bad behaviour, just be sure that you get custody of the daughter, because you seem to be the more mature parent.

Answer 9

Your wife has no idea what love is and sounds very shallow and selfish. She has an inferoirity complex as well and is seeking approval beyond you.

I would keep notes of the things she does for the sake of being awarded custody of the child (although it's much more difficult for a man to get the kids).

Also, don't bow to her or give in as she will only see this as weakness. You are better off without this woman messing with your life.

Answer 10

First of all don't blame yourself or wonder how you could have been better to her. She doesn't deserve you if she has been this selfish. My husband done the same I went to walmart came back and he was gone. I found him out the next night with another woman. I am not saying that's whats wrong with her. But dont look at what you could have done. I know it's hard. I wish you the best of luck in your life a head. An wish I could tell you.

Answer 11

Boo you need to first try to understand that what ever is going on between you and your wife it is not your fault. You have done all that it is in your hand to try to work things out with her. And she has not tried very much.
What you need to do is try your best to hold on emotionally, and mentally because your wife will not come back..
You could cry and do your best to get her back but she will not care nor she will come back.
You don't deserve to feel sad nor feeling worthless you deserve to be happy and to survive the hard task that life gives us in our path. I believe you will over come and you will smile again. But for now you need to be around those people who really care for you. You need their love, support and understanding.
I really don't understand why bad things always happen to good people but I know that it is what it is.
God will rewards those who are good and he will reward you so please be patient.
You need to wake up and smell the coffee and realized that your wife don't deserve you at all. You need to move on and let your wife do her life and you do yours. I know that it will be hard for you but you need to do it for the sake of your child.
Let your wife have all the materials things as in her boob job and her space eventually that will not last her for too long.
Maybe down the line it will be to late for her if she ever thinks that she will have a time with you the hell with her because by that time you have already moved on. So boo be strong and don't worry about her and worry more about you child your child needs a father always remember that the only reason to be happy is by you being yourself.
Good luck and be happy