so my wife, and mother of my children, is struggling with the fact that her mom is terminally ill. In the last few months I have been the subject to some "Diverted Agression", and my fear is that she is not dealing with these emotions in a healthy manner. Lately she seems even more "out of sorts", refuses to go and talk to anyone about this, she gets made when her friends ask her about her mom. I have even tried to trick her into Marriage counseling, cause she refuses to go see a grief counselor. To her all these problems and lashing-outs that I refer to are simply me being a drama queen, to sensitive, or all in my head.
Any clues Yahoo?
Straight approaches need not apply - I have tried.
2007-05-29 08:48:41 · 14 answers · asked by elcamino777 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Your wife needs help she is deep in denial and she needs to be prepared for the blow to come. She is trying to protect herself from the truth but there is no way to really do that. If she is refusing to go to counselling I think you should talk to her doctor about this. He can perscribe something that will help calm the edge off of her anxiety and that will help her calm down enough to think with some rationality. She needs help now or things are only gonna get worse.
Straighten up is not gonna work but if you tell her how much she is distressing her mother and that her mom needs for her to be more at peace with the diagnosis so that she can find some peace in it herself.
Remind your poor dear wife that this is not really about her now, that can come later, now it is all about her mom and making her time golden for her and giving her the peace and strength that she needs to go forward. It is she that is about to die and she that has the larger fear to face. Try to get your wife to get help so that she can offer help and strength to her mother now that she needs her so very much. Good luck and God bless to you all.
2007-05-29 08:55:58 · answer #1 · answered by CindyLu 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My Friend,
This is terrible! Look, you can't trick or make anyone do something! They have to WANT to.
Your Wife isn't able to come to "grips" about her Mom, as it can be hard to accept seeing a loved one ill and live in denial then chase away everyone in the family who want to help! Your Wife is acting out right now. Be caring with her and patient and give her a chance to "accept" that she cannot change what is happening, then in time you can ONLY ask her again about seeing a Counseling, but it has to be when she is ready!
Try to be as understanding as you can be and don't lash out back whatever you do! It would only compound her grief. She will notice your patience then will start to come around! Love can work "it's ways" so comfort her more and let her know you are always there for her! She will be more open to accepting Counseling once she has a chance to calm down and get used to accepting her Mom is terminal! Support is all you can offer her right now!
Prayers for you!
2007-05-29 09:28:40 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't really know, but I did want to say I'm sorry and I hope the best for you all....maybe you can sit her and down and tell her how much this is hurting you and the kids. She needs to be strong for the kids also. Tell her you understand that this is a hard time, but she can't deal with it on her own. Ask her what she would like to do and give her time and space. Right now the only thing you may be able to do is just understand it's not you, it's the grieving and her way of coping. Also never stop letting her know you love her and need her to be healthy, and that when ever she is ready, you are ready too. Whatever you do, don't turn your back on her now, she needs you.
2007-05-29 08:52:38 · answer #3 · answered by Amber and Parrish H 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she won't hear you in the direct "you need help" way, then focus on the behavior...
Example:
Honey, you've been yelling at me a lot, giving me the cold shoulder, blaming me for small things. Maybe you need time by yourself, take a bath, read a book, but I really don't like it and it has to stop.
or
You're yelling at the kids and it hurts their feelings. Please stop, take a break, go for a walk, etc, but the yelling cannot go on.
Sometimes people can't hear that the loss of the person is the problem but can hear that the more concrete behavior issues are the problem. Help her see that its the way she is dealing, not what she is dealing with, is the problem.
Good luck and I'm sorry about her mom.
2007-05-29 09:02:51 · answer #4 · answered by tigra1021 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
People are dealing with grief in various ways... And the grief hasn't even started yet. Now she is just frightened. If she doesn't want to talk to someone - counselor or friend - it's maybe because she's too scared of it. Words have their way of putting weight on things. Maybe the idea of someone with the journal wasn't so bad after all, if she is an artistic oriented person.
I lost all my family when I was 19 and all I can think of was the things I should do next... I couldn't bare thinking of them, so I was concentrating on the real and ordinar things.
You should talk to her, tell her that this is your family struggle, not just hers...
2007-05-29 09:24:27 · answer #5 · answered by Michaela 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't know if or how this would work, you can ask your family physician to see if psychotherapists (they deal with grief) would make house calls even if it cost more, and explain your situation etc..I agree with you, she does need help, and if she might be a danger to herself later on...if you've done the obvious and that didn't work, ask your physician and they may even recommend some other way, just remember, you always have options, you're never stuck. I put myself through grief therapy when my stepfather passed away, it was the best thing I could have done for myself. I never wanted to hurt myself or anything, I was just deeply sad and stuck in the grieving process.
2007-05-29 08:57:34 · answer #6 · answered by suzlaa1971 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some people do not want to come to the realization that these kinds of things, death, effect their lifes.... She may not know or want to admit that these feelings are controlling her. My mom, when my grandpa passed away, practically went crazy, she tried to act like she didnt feel anything or it didnt even effect her. My Grandpa was sick for a year and hadnt told anyone in the family that he had cancer. She didnt have time to grieve, until after. All you can do is to try to talk to her about remembering all the good times and this might trigger some tears but you have to tell her and stress to her that your there for her..... This does not make you a drama queen, Im sure after she realizes this, she will come to understand that you really care and want to take good care of her... Its a hard time but it hasnt to happen sometime...
2007-05-29 08:56:27 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is going to sound so stupid i know.
When I was 15 my father was diagnosed with brain cancer. I wasnt sure how to deal with this so i wrote a journal. Ask your wife to document her emotions on paper. It helps put things in order in your head & you could do the same thing. I know what I went through with my dad, but I was a kid. I wish you all the best and if she doesnt want help you cant force her to ger it. She is scared too you know, she isnt for sure what is in store for her mother and if the 2 of them are close she is having a lot of thoughts. She is going through so much mentally and emotionally.
2007-05-29 08:59:49 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, I had to deal with this when my brother was killed and 2 months later my dad Found out he had cancer... the best approach is to get her some help.... Something to help her cope with all this.... it is VERY HARD!!!!! And she has to realize she has other obligations like her children and you.... She is going to have to be strong and she need you now more then ever to support her and ;let her cry and lean on you.... You are her ROCK.... She needs all the love and support you can give and some meds.... Nothing addictive, just to knock the edge off a little... God Bless You all Your in my prayers
2007-05-29 08:54:55 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
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2016-10-09 02:03:48 · answer #10 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋