What to do about my husbands cheating?

Question

My husband and I separated last September due to his affair of 1 1/2 years. We have been trying to get our lives together and he has been begging to come home. He takes care of the house, etc and even stayed with me when I was sick.

My daughter and I decided to suprise him last night. We went to his apartment, his car was there but he didn't answer the door. I looked outside and saw his former mistress's car in the parking lot. I then knocked on his door and he still wouldn't answer. My daughter and I knocked for over an hour but he still wouldn't open the door and face me like an adult.

I don't know what to do about him. If he wants to come home, why is she still in his life? And what should I do about him? Our family has been torn apart and it hurts to know he's lying again.

Answer 1

Here's the thing: Either you're going to take this man back, or you're going to push him into another woman's arms; not because he necessarily wants to be there, but because he's vulnerable and she understands that. The man has asked for your forgiveness. He has begged to come home. He has continued to stand by you, yet you continue to leave him out in the cold.

You should have called and let him know you were coming. And if you were going to visit unannounced, you should not have taken your daughter with you (just in case you found what you were actually looking for). Furthermore, when you saw the woman's car, you should have left. Why embarrass the man anymore than he already is, by knocking on his door for an hour? Ridiculous. He's begged to come home, you won't forgive him, so the woman is there. For all you know, she came uninvited as well. She simply got there before you, for all you know.

If you love this man, forgive him and let him come home. Call him and tell him so today. Don't mention last night. You should not have come uninvited, so leave it alone. If he mentions what happened, simpy say that you want him to come home.

If you're not willing to do this, stop playing games and let the man go. You've had enough time to think about it and he's certainly suffered long enough. Now you've got his daughter upset with him as well, and that's not fair. Make up your mind. Either bring the man home, or be woman enough to let him go.

Answer 2

I had an affair with two women back to back this year. Although it was only a few times, each, I told my wife of almost 4 years. She didn't take it so well and has since moved out. She wants a separation and I am fine with that. I will not give up on us. I cut my ties with the other women, changed me cell number, am going to therapy and want to become a better person. I would assume that he does not like to be alone, nor do I, and that even though he wants you back, he needs someone in his life daily. This is a long shot beacuse I feel the same way, although I could never see anyone again. If you really think that she was there then let him go and move on. If he supposedly wants you back so bad then he would wait without anyone just like I am doing, no matter how long it took. Not worth the pain again and you do not want to live the nightmare all over again either. It's one thing if someone screws up and loses trust, but if you are trying to gain it back and still are doing this kind of thing? No thanks.....

Answer 3

The moment you realized that he was home and her car was in the parking lot, you should have taken your daughter home with you. Why you would continue to knock on his door with your daughter there is beyond me. It is very obvious that he is not a changed person and that you need to forget any kind of reconciliation with him. It almost sounds like he is using a delaying tactic with you and trying to keep you from getting a divorce. If you are just separated, then I am willing to bet that he has no court ordered child support or alimony to pay and the longer he keeps you from divorcing him, the less it will cost him in the long run. He has cheated and he is still seeing her, time to accept that and move on for your sake and the sake of your daughter.

Answer 4

You just need to forget him and move on in life without him. It's a worthless cause after what you discovered again and you must know that now. He is a liar and a cheat and he is never going to change. The only thing that you can change is yourself and find someone worthy of your love that respects you. Good deeds from a man does not mean that he is loyal so let him go and get his negativity out of all of your lives. He cannot be trusted and he doesn't know what he wants out of life and I would not let him mess up yours any longer. Best wishes sweetie.

Answer 5

It prob a good thing he didn't answer...What would your daughter of seen. I say take your daughter and move on, what is she really learning about relationships from this experience? She still in his life because he thinks he can have you both just like he once did. she is not his FORMER Mistress she is still his Mistress. I know it hurts, so make it stop hurting by moving on.

Answer 6

It is bad enough when someone cheats one time but to carry it on for over a year?!! He obviously has NO conscious or morals and never will. Don't expect him to change. He will eventually do the same to his mistress.

Why would you want someone who has no respect for you and the your family? Why would you risk your own health by having someone who cheats and may bring home a disease to pass on to you? Why would you want someone like this when you deserve someone so much better?

Please end your dysfunctional marriage and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. By taking him back you are only allowing him to treat you poorly not to mention, the effect it will have on your children.

Be strong and move on. Good luck.

Answer 7

Your husband wants to have you and his mistress, for what reason is not clear, just know a divorce would be a financial burden to him. He obviously feels you will always forgive him and knows what to say to you to convince you. You are being treated as a fool and it is up to you to not allow him to do so. If you continue to forgive him, trust me, he will continue to cheat. You must begin to clearly see the hopelessness of him ever being a man of his word, as the trust is totally lost in this marriage. Stop hoping he will change and respect yourself to want better. Your daughter is looking to you as an example on how she should be treated by a man, don't let her down. I know it is never easy to move on from what you know is not good for you, but if you don't feel the pain of moving on today, you have no hope for a better tomorrow.

Answer 8

I am sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation and know how much it hurts. Unfortunately, the best thing for you and your daughter is to move on. If your family was his priority, he would be with you - not his girlfriend. You and you daughter deserve better.

Also, your daughter will pattern her future relationships by what she sees now. You do not want her to think this is normal. She needs to know in a loving normal relationship both people treat each-other better.

Answer 9

What a jerk! He is obviously not ready to be in a committed relationship, and what will hurt most is being in a relationship with someone who is dishonest, and always wondering what he is up too. At this point it is my opinion that you two should split, and you focus on your life, and the well being of your child! My cousin recently went through a very nasty divorce, but she was so strong, and took time for herself, (she has 3 young children all under the age of 6!) she went to weekly therapy, and completely focused on herself and her three babies! She is now doing so well! Joining support groups, and building your support system always helps. Good luck to you, It is NOT your fault, he is the one that broke the vows! It's time for him to be kicked to the curb!

Answer 10

What an idiot this guy is! If you want to avoid being hurt in the future, I would follow through with the divorce. He obviously has no sense of morals. He has repeatedly cheated on you, lied to you, and betrayed you. He will always be your daughters father, but that should be the extent of your relationship with him. Please take care and don't let him take advantage of you any longer. Good luck and stay strong!