How come I will never be able to figure out my boyfriend, who was physically and sexually abused as a child?

Question

And why is our relationship going downhill ?

He was severely abused and if anyone knows of any behavioural attributes and how I can meke a relationship turnaround I would greatly appreciate it. I have to get smart because earlier he wANTed to marry me and now he doesn't.

Answer 1

Men do not like to express their feelings. Your relationship is going to be weird because he was sexually abused as a child. he feels like his manhood was taking from him. He has built up anger and until he talks to someone about it instead of trying to solve his own problems hes going to be screwed up. It has nothing to do with you. you have done nothing wrong but show your love but dont pressure him to talk about it. You can bring your relationship back up to the level it was at first just take it slow and spend more time with eachother. Talk about things that arent gonna lead to that topic.

Answer 2

Be glad, very glad, that you have no idea what it is like to have been abused earlier in your life. I do not know how old he is, but regardless of age, or how long ago it has happened, the experience will be with him forever.

Do you know if he has come to terms of his experience? Has he made an attempt, successful or otherwise, to deal with the problem? Does he want to deal with the problem?
Problems like this often (usually) require one or more very supportive friends and a professional help.

I don't know what your position is, but please remember, none of this was ever his fault. You cannot pressure him to deal with it either. ONLY when he is ready on his own terms, he is going to be able to deal with it.

Why is your relationship going downhill? I have no idea. It may or may not be related to his problem. The only thing you can do is to sit down and talk with him. My suggestion is, you stop trying to "figure him out." Whatever you guess would probably be wrong.

Good luck.

-EDIT-

One thing that concerns me very much is that you seem to be concerned about your relationship from only your prospective. Before you can even attempt to figure him out, you need to be able to understand him. I didn't get the sense from what you wrote that you are concerned about his well-being or wanting to help him cope with his problems. I apologize if this is a wrong assumption. Obviously, he is going through A LOT. Perhaps you need to re-evaluate what you are to him, in addition to what he is to you? That may answer your question as to why your relationship is going downhill.

Answer 3

I know a guy with a similar experience.
He was sexually abused from the age of 4 years upto 12 years by the older son of his adopted family.

His relationships are seriously flawed as he wont let people in.
To let people in requires a breakdown of all self deceptions and this includes the deception that you are strong and that nobody can touch you.
Men suffer from this heavily and its a strong basis of our characteristics. We dont want to feel helpless.
A sex victimized man though has this even deeper than that.
He cant let you in until he lets himself in. He is dislocated from his deep feelings.

I think that you should stick with him though if you want the relationship to work because you already know the secret but words are easier to say than feelings.
Show him that you are understanding at all times.
Show him that you do not negatively judge him in anything he does.
Support him in anything he does to enhance his emotional self because he needs support.

Do this but do not let him use you as an emotional crux that he can abuse. Some victims are dealing with such pain that they resort to abuse rather than dealing with the pain as there is a serious fear of loss of sanity, and its a definite possibility.
Show him support and surprise him now and again.
Let him know your secrets.
Once someone shares their deepest secrets with another the other tries to balance the deal if they value the relationship.
I wish you the best, and him.

Answer 4

Uh, if you've decided you never will, and don't try, then you never will because you decided not to.

You COULD understand this a LOT better than you do now.

There are a lot of books on this subject.

You might consider reading some first-person accounts, or some books written for the general reader, of stories of adult victims of child abuse.

(They read like novels, as they are people's stories -- they aren't like reading textbooks.)

Since you give no specifics about what's going on in the relationship, it's impossible for us to say.

Is he in therapy? If not, that would be a good thing for him to do.

If he's been in therapy, and it hasn't helped him, he should find a better therapist.

There may not be anything you can do to help him.

If he's currently trying to work things out and heal from his experiences, you might want to consider hanging in there while he does so.

This isn't the sort of thing a person can just shrug off.

If you want to understand how it's effected him, as I say, you could get your hands on some books, and pay special attention to those stories that sound a lot like him.

You can't figure it out if you don't want to. If you insist it will never be intelligible to you, it never will.

But, as the fella said, "Nothing human is alien to me." If you WANT to understand, you could.

Answer 5

Although I'm female, I can relate to him. As a guy he has a hard time with his emotions. Not all guys are like this, but in general they have a harder time being comfortable with their feelings. Now for the incidence that happened to him, he probably wants a sense of control in the relationship...what happened to him wasn't his fault and he couldn't stop it or prevent it (everything that happened was out of his control). Now for a sense of control, that will mean a lot to him. He doesn't want to risk being hurt or having things go out of control again. You are shaped by your childhood, as a rule. When things shape and mold the way you think, it's hard to compromise it. Maybe try counceling which works for some people, but not others. You can also try medication to help level him out if he is depressed, or shows high levels of things such as anger or self-injurous activity (drugs, alcohol, cutting).
This is something he has to get over first and has to be happy and content with himself, before he can be happy with anybody else.

Answer 6

It seems like your boyfriend has a lot of healing to do. I was psychologically abused by my boyfriend of one year, and although it's been nine months since our split, I am still untrusting of most men and I can say that it does put pressure on relationships. Your best advice would be to see a counsleor together for an interim session and see how things go. Best of luck.

Answer 7

thank God that you can't understand him.. and focus on the fact that you can understand what he needs.. even if you can never understand why.

your relationship is probably going downhill for 2 reasons..

1. you are trying to figure him out.. that means you are trying to go threw his layers and safety nets.. that will push him away and make him uncomfortable.. if you are to make it threw a safety net it has to be by his choice, not yours.

2. he's getting a little uncomfortable because he's starting to get close to you.. just back off a little, let him reestablish who he is to himself and it will solve the problem for now.. but this will be a repeating cycle for as long as you are with him.. you'll get closer and closer.. then he'll need to pull away for a little while. It's no big deal, it doesn't mean he doesn't care for you.. he just needs this to take care of himself.. then he'll be ready to take care of you again.

Answer 8

new child abuse is an outrage regardless of religion. The Catholic church does not condone this, inspite of the shown fact that it does refuse to bare info approximately clergymen or nuns who have not been convicted, interior an identical way that the justice equipment or the academic equipment does not exhibit info approximately people who've been accused of comparable crimes. harmless until shown to blame is the way the justice equipment works for everybody else, why no longer for religious human beings? additionally, your argument reads such as you're claiming that atheists do no longer abuse toddlers. Yeah... The nicely publicized situations of abuse in Catholic toddlers homes are via no potential maximum persons of situations, yet atheists are no longer appropriate together via their loss of religion and subsequently no longer condemned as a collection. There are innumerable account of abuse in toddlers homes, secular besides as religious, and can you undergo in strategies each and all the outrage approximately expenditures of abuse interior the boyscout circulate? And the college janitor who abducted and killed 2 schoolgirls. besides as each and all the academics who abuse their place of believe, and are allowed to proceed to coach at yet another college? this is is often an outrage while perverted adults abuse the toddlers they are meant to guard, inspite of the shown fact that it is likewise a actuality that persons with those features are interested in positions which includes instructors, carers, the place they might get right of entry to susceptible toddlers without suspicion. This I via no potential unique to religious human beings. additionally, undergo in type that the accusations coming to easy now are specifically from the 60s and 70s, while even in faculties instructors have been allowed to bodily abuse toddlers to lead them to behave. new child secure practices regulations are lots extra rigorous now and anybody who comes into touch with toddlers is had to be disclosure checked to work out that they don't seem to be a probability. that's totally genuine interior the Catholic church, who're relatively annoying to sidestep such an outrage from ever happening returned. i'm hoping this has helped you to stability your admirable want for extra effectual new child secure practices with a extra effectual awareness. xxxx

Answer 9

"Child sexual abuse is widely regarded as a cause of mental health problems in adult life"
http://www.aifs.gov.au/nch/issues9.html

http://www.committedtofreedom.org/faq.html
See "How family and friends can help" at
http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/ncfv-cnivf/familyviolence/html/nfntsxagrsexadult_e.html

You may wish to encourage him to join a support group. If more intense therapy is needed, a lawsuit may help to pay for it.

Answer 10

Because you've never been physically and sexually abused!
Your relationship might be going downhill because your ignorant.
you need to show you care more or maybe you just need to talk to him or pay more attention to him.