How can I help my friend?

Question

One of my girlfriends just called and told me that her brother died over the weekend.
He was a Dr., 51 years old and killed by a woman drunk driver.
My friend has to travel 1500 miles to the funeral, help with arrangements, and look after her 83 y/old Mother.
How can I ease her heartache?
Thanks

Thanks to all of you for your kindness and genorosity.

Thank you, Laela.

Thank you all so much!
I especially appreciate the candor and kindness from those who shared stories of their own losses.

Answer 1

I'm so sorry for you and your friend!

I suggest asking more than once if there is anything you can do to help her-often you're in a daze and can't think straight for quite a while after a loss like this (my sister drowned over Labor Day weekend 20 years ago). Later, when you have to deal with the day to day grind, that's when you need help as well, since you're usually overwhelmed by emotion and the additional tasks you have to perform.

Also, it's difficult for most people to actually let another person talk about the one they loved, and lost, since it's so painful to hear. We say things to comfort the other person, but really, we can shut the other person off by accident, by wanting to help so badly. The best thing that anyone could have done for me was to just let me talk, and they listen. You also have to be careful about the other person's religious beliefs or lack of. I am agnostic, so it not only didn't help, but was upsetting to hear that I would be seeing my sister someday in heaven, or that she was in a better place, when I don't believe in heaven. On the other hand, if your friend is religious, those might be some of the most comforting things to hear, I know my brother mentions it often about seeing my sister again someday; it makes him feel much more peaceful.
You'll be in my thoughts!

Answer 2

Since she is out of town, she will need plants watered, lawn mowed, toilets flushed. If she's a neat freak, cleaning the house while she's away (clean sheets, clothes, fridgerator, etc-etc-etc). "Yankie Candle" freshners & flowers.

She will be busy when she gets home. However, as a friend be prepaired for the true greiving ... about 10-20 days after the funeral & activities & responsabilites end. Funerals keep greiving at bay ... and some ppl shut down after the gatherings. This is when dinners, visits, and check-up's on her is necessary. Should you find her disfunctional, you may have to re-do the cleaning, cooking, and basic life support until she can pick herself up.

As for her mother ... well, you can do internet research for what resources are available to her. E-mail them to her ... don't give up if she rejects idea's, but try to listen to what she wants so you can take some of the burdon off her. She may want to move her mom in with her, near her, or even re-locate to where her mom is. All you can do is listen and run with the ball once you have an idea of where she want's to go.

Answer 3

I really do empathise with your friend, and can only begin to imagine the suffering she's going through.

I think that the best way you can help her out is by just being there for her. Try not to overcrowd her, but make sure that you present yourself as someone who is there for her. Ask her if you can do anything to help her, and if she says that she needs to do something, just offer to do it for her.

If your friend seems a bit withdrawn and quiet, dont worry, she might just need a bit of space. On the other hand she may become very chatty and highly strung, again this is an individual way of dealing with things. Just bear with her and hopefully she'll pull through this terrible tradgedy.

Good luck, and condolances for your friend's loss.

Answer 4

So sorry to hear about your friend's loss. I think different people grieve in different ways; if she is a talker than just listen to her, if she is a doer maybe suggest she do something like make something for him or donate money to something he believed in or something to honor his life.

My father-in-law was tragically killed when hit by a car two years ago. He was crossing the street and one minute he was here the next gone. My husband is still grieving but it changes over time from an excruciating frustrating pain to a nagging void. It is way too soon to alleviate any pain for her really and I think for the first year or so it worsens before it gets better.
One of the reasons my husband and I moved to NYC is due to our grief and because we wanted to get rid of our cars and live in a city where we wouldn't have to a part of all the destruction they cause.
Just be there for her.

Answer 5

Isn't that awful? My heart goes out to her. It's such a shock when a loved one dies without any warning.

My beloved brother died at age 20, killed by a drunk driver as well. It was the man's third DUI. He got 6-18 months in jail for "manslaughter", then got out for "good" behavior after six months. I suppose if you want to murder someone, just get in the car first, am I right?

We just don't seem to take drunk driving very seriously here - it should mean an automatic lisence suspension and jail time, the FIRST time. I'll bet ten-to-one that your friend's brother was killed by a repeat offender, who could have faced harsher penalties and been pushed into rehab for alcoholism ages ago.

I'm sorry I don't know what advice to offer as comfort. It's a shock, over and over, when someone dies so suddenly. Eventually the shock wears off, and she can feel her anger and her grief. Eventually, she'll be able to say, "My brother used to say...." and remember something sweet or funny that he would have said. She'll be able to think of him and smile, rather than think of him and cry. For my part, I always say that I have two brothers and a sister, it's just that one of them died.

Blessings,
Juniper

Answer 6

I am so sorry to hear about this loss. I know how my heart aches for the pain my friend's experience. Just knowing that you care enough about her to post this question shows your deep sincerity and compassion.
I know when my brother died last year it was the friends of mine who were just there for me, to talk to or sit with me in quiet. Since he died so suddenly I was unable to fully grasp the finality of the event. It has been over a year for me and my heart still aches. I like to hear his name and to tell my children stories about what a great brother he was and how much I loved him with all of my heart and soul. It doesn't matter how much time passes we still want to hold those memories close to our heart.
Help her with her mum, as this was the hardest part for me. My Dad lives with me and was 84 at the time. Although I have spent many years working closely with the dying, my heart broke when I had to tell him his son had died. My grieving was put on hold to deal with his.
Sit with her mum and give her a chance to do for her brother. I always suggest this to those who have lost a loved one. They need to perform the rituals that help them feel they are still giving to their loved ones. The arrangements, the funeral, the grieving and the rememberings. Make or buy a complete meal and leave it with her to stick in her fridge. Food is the great comforter and at times like that it is the last thing we in mourning want to think about. She know you are there for her, just gently remind her that you don't mind helping with anything ........anything at all.
Bless you for you kindness.

Answer 7

You help by being a good friend. Offer her a shoulder to cry on. Help her by taking care of things at home while she is gone. Just be there for her and understand what she is going through!

Answer 8

when a death comes it hits that person soo hard??? ask her if she needs help with taking care of her house or feeding her pets(if she has any ) and that will take a lot of pressure of her mind!!! and just make sure to ask if u can do anything at ALL to help !!! sry im not a great writer ? hope this works and im really sry about ur friends loss=(=(=(=(

Answer 9

Let her know you are there for her and that you will do anything she needs you to do. Offer to look after her house/plants/pets/kids, etc. while she is away, for as long as she needs. Offer her lots of love and support and hugs...and maybe some chocolate.

Answer 10

I would talk about how natural in life is the happening of death
we must admit death is natural as birht is
old age same, it is natural
sometime it is sudden, and we die yung
it is our karma
there will be another chance