His adult children & ex wife are so manipulative - I just want to strangle them! Advice anyone?

Question

After 28 years, his ex wife was cheating on him for the last 2, she up & left the house, took some furniture and asked for a divorce. During the year of proceedings, she got the new auto, her credit card bills paid each month and he would give her $ when she would complain. Same with his children who are 28 & 22. He worked his butt off for all these years to provide & they are very spoiled, but now it's all gone & he's walked away with 3 items & no savings. He brought the 3 items to my house (we practically live together) because his apt is too small & he cannot afford a stg. unit.. They had holy caniption fits about it & now he's giving back one of the items. I'm trying my best to stay out of "their" arrangement, but I see very clearly how they manipulate & control him & it drives me NUTS! I ave told him that since we are planning a future, he can no longer keep me "out of the loop" - he's agree'd, but even at a BBQ -at the dghtrs - the X was supposed to show up & did not -

so we walked on eggshells practically the entire afternoon - not too mention were all worked up prior to showing up & while things went ok - the daughter still does not recognize that or will admit that she holds back her Father from being happy.

I love this man to death & he loves me too - a future is definaltye ther & we have great communication except when it comes to them. How can I get him to put his foot down without it seeming as though I giving him an ultimatum that I don't want to give? Am I simply going to have to back down and allow him to continue to get walked all over?

Answer 1

I am sorry to hear you are dealing with this...It must be VERY stressful!

I think you should reconsider....Even if you love him and he loves you, unless he decides to start saying "NO" to them things will continue or even get worse!

Sounds to me like he's still not over his divorce...He must have a lot of issues like anger and guilt and who knows what else on his mind....The question is: Are you willing to invest time and effort into this , even if you know things may never be like you want them to be? Consider your age, too. You sound like a nice woman, and he must think he is very lucky to have you...But who wins in the end?
Good luck!

Answer 2

I have a good friend that did the "eggshell" walking like you for too long. Not only was he unhappy but her too. He's a great guy and wants to make everyone happy and you can't always do that.
They had many conversations about the situation, but finally there was a time for the "ultimatum". Since he was living with my friend it helped his situation to give up some control to her. When the calls came for money or whatever he allowed her to handle those. She tactfully stated his financial problems and that she was helping him to get back on his feet. Mostly, I think, she let them know housing, utilities and such had everything tied up. He was so relieved to let her do this. There was a period of time his kids walked away from him and he talked with my 25 year old son constantly about it.
He slowly saw that if material things and money were all he meant to them, they had to fix that themselves.
They are married now and have a beautiful home together. Which I don't think would have been possible if he hadn't agreed to relinquish some control. He sees his kids now, and they haven't changed much, but he can say no now too!

Answer 3

The saddest thing is that his recovery from the terrible circumstances that you state does not begin until the contact that creates the debilitating mindset of the husband and the pattern of behavior used to create it is gone. He will have a long road to go when the contact is gone but he cannot see what it is doing. I have been there and I will tell you it takes a long time to see and even if you see it you do not want to believe it. He needs help and to shield him from the abuse until he starts to recover is the only way short of professional help that he could have. Abuse, is often times, the disease that becomes a way of life so much that it is never questioned as such. Acceptance of the abuse is the advantage of the controller or abuser and leads to the adversity of the victim until the pattern is stopped. As long as the pattern continues the victim will be a victim and continue to submit to the abuse. There is a roller coaster of emotion that he will go through when he sees the truth and denial is one of the phases. After denial, anger for a short period will be prevelant and the intensity could be alarming. Get him somone that is professional in helping abuse victims an make the transition easier than him having to recover cold turkey. That will help eliminate misplaced feelings that might be aimed at innocent people and will allow him to wean from the abuse without losing respect or have feelings of inadequacy that can be crippeling to a man.

Answer 4

Until you are the legal wife, yes you have to keep the peace.
At some point, he will have to make a decision about what is fair to the ex, the kids and to you. It is in your best interest
not to give him an ultimatum, but to help him see that life with you as a couple will mean changes for his kids. They are old enough to not need dad's support. Gifts are different.
When you are married ot the dad, then you should have input on that score, not before. The 2 of you need ot have a real understanding on that before the marriage. Maybe counseling will help.

Answer 5

In a word or two???

This guy needs to grow some balls... "NO" is apparently not part of his vocabulary, and until it is, you will always be second fiddle to his controlling gold digging, kids, and ex. And he needs to get help to realize he's a door mat.... and a guy can't be a door mat, and the " jerk in reserve" unless he likes it that way. And if you like it, you'll stay, otherwise, you and he need a little chat, and he needs a few sessions of counseling to figure out why he doesn't think he deserves any better.

It is not your problem, hon, it is his... and it is a personality defect.

He has an overwhelming need to be wanted---at any cost, and at any cost to you as well... bad sign.

Any guy pushing 50 with no savings and not much to show for his life's work has a need to be used, and it will be several sessions before he begins to see what has happened to his life.

Answer 6

28 years is along time to be with someone. Im sure he is tying to be civil for the kids. If somthing ever happened like that I would want to make sure my kids were ok. Regardless of their ages. I hate to say it but MOST kids are spolied in some way or another. The best thing to do is stay out of it. If he cant put his foot down its his own fault not yours. I would think about all these things that bug you b4 planning a future together with this man. Good luck

Answer 7

I'd say in this case, you're going to have to put your foot down with them AND with him. It sounds like she took his backbone with him when she left. His kids are old enough to take care of themselves. He's going to have to see that, and that the ex needs someone to put her in her spot. The divorce is over and finished. If you guys want any peace and be able to move on, you're seriously going to have to do this. Of course there's going to be heat from it, but this is YOUR lives, NOT theirs. Good luck!!!

Answer 8

It's a conspiracy!
It's called divorce, a bad one; yeah. Things will settle down You should avoid confrontations. Think on the future he's getting with you -- priceless.

Answer 9

He needs to go talk to someone and realize he should be done being a doormat his kids are grown adults and his ex is just that his ex....wouldnt give her another dime but he needs to talk to a professional, it coming from you wouldnt work as you know your the outsider but a professional might help....

Answer 10

Well this is a sticky and stressful situation! I would tell him to get alimony-she cheated on him! Maybe he doesn't know what to do. I'd have him talk to a lawer. Unless he really wants to give her everything. then your fighting a losing battle