This is for those whom have children and have been through divorce/custody battles?

Question

My ex and I have shared custody of our three daughters after a bad divorce. This form of custody can be difficult as both parents have 50/50 custody and share in decision making. There's been many problems since he was granted this much parenting time. To those of you whom have insite how difficult is it to lessen his custody. Here's the situation. We are supposed to be sharing in decisions for our three girls. He won't. He won't respond to my calls 70% of the time...same with emails. When he does he's hateful. He refuses discipline our young teen who is only 13. He recently allowed her to be out with a group of friends after curfew until 12:30 am. Her grades have plummeted! He refuses to work with me on this..and says she needs to "live and learn!" he states why does it matter that she received all the discipline at one house and none at the other as long as it all balances out!! She's headed for trouble thanks to his poor parenting. Can his parenting time be shortened?

Answer 1

The custody of children anywhere in the world is based on a golden principle, the general welfare & well being of the children. All family courts in the world follow this principle while granting custody of the children to the parents either on permanent basis or on sharing basis as in your case. The courts don't want to deprive the company & love of the children from either of the parents but they can not afford that the children's general welfare being affected by any act or omission of any of the parent. In your case if your ex behavior, act & omission in taking care of the children not only give bad effect on their character, development as a civilized citizen, effect their educational grade & brining the indiscipline in them, the family court can always step in & amend it original order regarding the custody of the children & award it to the parent who can take better care of the children on permanent basis. The responsibilities of parents is to give best of the education, food, health care, sports facilities etc that help in the development of the children rather then sowing seed of discipline & showing them path of criminality of the society thus spoiling their whole future. In the instant case the behavior of your ex is extremely irrational, unreasonable & deplorable as in order to take some sort of revenge from you he is playing with the life of the young, developing children without realizing his acts & omissions will be against the general welfare & well being of the children.

Answer 2

Oh, Backflip, I am so sorry this isn't working out, because, ideally, this is the way custody should go. I guess it's good that you can point out the flaws in the system, though. And it's definitely not good that your 13 year old is experiencing such difficulty.

I guess the same attitudes that got him divorced are carrying over into parenting.

I don't know anything about shortening his time with her.

I would recommend that you contact the school and ask if she can spend time with the school counselor. Also, most schools have an after school program where the kids can go for a snack, academic support and some interaction.

It sounds like you need to sit down with your 13 year old and explain to her that you can't do what's right half the time. People aren't always going to be there to make a right decision for her. She has to do it.

As far as his lack of communication, I doubt you will win that one. Stop calling and e-mailing. He doesn't respond anyway.

Instead, document. If you can't get his time reduced you may be able to have the court require that he attend some parenting classes.

Play up your daughter's stregnths. Help her to get involved with things in which she has an interest. In other words, see if you can constructively occupy her time.

We have the same problem with lack of supervision by my partner's ex-wife. A lot of the time her mother sits with the kids, or pops in. Maybe Grandma, or Auntie could pop in on the ex and just be there. Eventually, he may ask for their input.

It sounds like he's still resentful, and still incapable of following through on his responsibilities. If you do get your daughter involved in counseling, and a pattern is established, you may have a valuable ally.

I wish you luck and I do hope this works out. I'd love to see parents share custody, instead of the tortuous 4 day a month visitation that is standard now.

Answer 3

Here is what I can tell you based on going through it and knowing what friends in similar situations are going through.
1. You cannot make some act reasonably and neither can the court.
2. You cannot make someone be a good parent and neither can the court.

As you said courts are very reluctant to change parenting time or custody arrangements. I would advise you to keep all communication by email that way if he is being hateful you have it by way of written documentation. Try and get him into talk to her teachers and hopefully they will enlighten him on how her behaviour is affecting her schoolwork. Sometimes coming from a 3rd party it means more. Also 13 is a very very rebellious age for teenage girls and maybe this doesn't solely fall on bad parenting but part of being a teenager. Sometimes you do have to let your children make their own mistakes. Try working with him by email and be careful to use non accusatory wording. If you point the finger at him and constantly say it's his fault, he's not doing this etc he'll get his guard up and the communication will end. Take the high road and remember this is about the children. If all else fails keep good records of everything and contact a lawyer and go back to court. Be ready though you are going to have to prove he's not doing a good job as a parent. Saying it isn't enough.

Also keep in mind that if she is rebelling already if you take her time away with her Dad she might get really upset with you and it might cause even more issues. If you did have a difficult divorce maybe she is reacting to it now. Have you thought about counseling for her?

Good Luck

Answer 4

I went through a very long court battle for my own children. The ex never could get beyond his short comings with the judge and never won any kind of custody. Now that the ex knows the kids have health problems he has left us alone. Sad for the children!!

It doesn't sound as if your ex has done anything that drastic to make the courts change what is written. My ex spent a lot of time in prison. One judge said to me when he had way to much visitation for the kids when they were very young and needed to take medication which the ex was not giving was "your ex husband is not a monster, and even if he is he still has his rights as a father".
This irritated me but did sink in. You two have different ways of raising kids. I do not condone him not emailing you or returning your phone calls but sometimes us mothers are emotional and stress over the little stuff.
If one parent is always harping on the children and not living by the rules then the kids are not going to either. The rules are to my understanding is the kids at your home you have these rules, and you take care of these rules. At there fathers home there is another set of rules that they live by and there father I am assuming is taking care of his rules......
Discipline to one person is not discipline to another person.

Go to the courts. Talk to your attorney. It is VERY expensive but if you feel this strong that he is abusing (neglect is to me what you are accusing him of) your children as a mother do something.....good luck!

Answer 5

It is a possibility....the first thing you need to do is document EVERYTHING. ...when you call, visit or email...keep all emails and responses...document when he calls back and doesn't. Start keeping a journal of his actions/inactions in her regards and document and copy all of her report cards and letters from school. Set up a conference with her teacher and counselor....have them invite him as well...and if he doesn't show up, get documentation of that from the school! It sounds like you both live in the same town....is he just getting her every other weekend or does he see her during the week and let her go out when she should be doing school work? Keep track and a close eye on things through the summer, and file a petition before school starts back..on a trial basis...for her to see him over night only on weekends and that she stay home during the week. Also, most cities have a curfew for minors...if she's out past curfew, and in his custody, you can report it to the authorities....I'm not sure what kind of consequence this will have on her, but it's going to fall back on the custodial parent at the time...that too will give you documentation for going back to court.

Answer 6

wow i would love to tell you that it will get better, but right now i am kinda jaded on this subject. my ex and I have the 50/50 thing and he is an *** and doesn't return my calls and never leaves messages for me, and hardly disciplines them, i tried to gain full custody of them and right now it looks like it will stay the same (although it is not fully done yet). you need to document these things and take them to a lawyer and hope it is enough for the custody to change. if your child wants to stay with you (the 13yr old) she may be able to tell the judge that is what she wants, but if daddy is letting her get away with stuff that you won't, I wouldn't bank on that one. I really do hate the 50/50 thing and it only works if the parents get along (we don't). If I would have known then what I know now, I would have NEVER filed for joint custody. My ex is also an *** to me putting my down when he gets the chance and when no one can hear him. it sounds like they are brothers. I am sorry I could not be of more help to you, just letting you know really that you are not alone. :)

Answer 7

I know exactly how you feel! What I started doing was documenting everything and really tried to always correspond by email. That way I had record of how hateful and rude he was. As well as how careless he was with the safety and lack of descipline the children had at his home. You'll be amazed at how much they will put in print when they are in the middle of one of their rants. I obtained an attorney and took him back to court. He still has limited visitation rights, but limited in a lot of the decision making process. Good luck, not only with a problem ex, but with the teenager...my daughter is 13 as well!

Answer 8

you need to document everything and show a Judge that his parenting is not in her best interest, but your daughter is not going to like this and this is where tough love comes in.You have to be the strong one and the as we call it mean one. When she is grown she will see you had her best interest at heart. Your ex needs to grow up!! I am so sorry you are going through this and I really hope you can get this restricted on his visitation. This is why we have so many Discipline problems with our young children. Does he watch the news. And the games he's playing, and she is falling for.wow My prayers are with you and your daughter and I am really gonna pray for him as you should 2.Hang in there...
~Angel~

Answer 9

do no longer danger the two of your careers for this. you are able to stay aside, extraordinarily in case you're the two SMs. it is going to likely be confusing yet do no longer make it worse by employing giving somebody ammunition. All it may take is the incorrect individual getting mad at the two of you and you may the two be called on the carpet. stay one after the different, yet you will have dinner at the same time at his living house and actually do each and every thing you may routinely do yet your house does no longer be there and you does no longer have overnights in the two place of living. be careful, I watched a SPC get busted right down to E-no longer something, lose money and do extra duty because of the fact she had a boyfriend in Korea and alter into contained in the technique of a divorce from a guy that had crushed her to the element of hospitalization. Like I reported, it in ordinary terms takes the incorrect individual gunning which you would be able to break you and your profession, at the same time along with his.

Answer 10

Also divorced with two daughters.

sounds like to me you are more interested in being in control of the situation rather than what is really best for your daughters.

Best parenting is the lassier faire approach.
Teach self reliance. Respect your kids enough to make them responsible for their own decision. needs to be done before they are 5 years old.
Controlling and disciplining your kids is very counter productive. Your kids will never be leaders, if they are controlled growing up. Listen carefully to your kids and advise them to choose for themselves.
show your kid to live a life of integrity. Young people need to realize by the time they are 5 years old that it is their life. if they want a good happy life. they need to take responsibility for their own life. Your husband is right. live and learn. remember it is her life. to screw up. once she realizes this fact, she will walk down a good path. it is her choice. you help her best by making her a responsible person. I have two daughters that were never disciplined or controlled . We taught them self reliance. they are both happy and productive
young women completely on their own. They never ask for money or support. and they are proud of the fact that they can be on their own.