I need help!!...i cant do this poem..?

Question

Whats worng with the poem i wrote it needs something i just cant figure it out can you please?
thnks



You took my soul
You took my heart
And now you left an empty hole
When you said together forever,
I took you words
Now you made it worse
I wish you could see
If only you could see
Just for once see the way you mistreated me.

Answer 1

How about this:

You stole my heart
and you took my soul
I'm left here wandering
with an empty hole

I trusted your words
You said "together we'd be"
I wish you could only know
how you mistreated me

Answer 2

Well how bout

You took my heart
You took my soul
Leaving behind an empty hole
When you said we'd be together forever,
I believed in your words.
Now you've only made it worse
I wish you could see
I wish you would see
If only you could see
Wat you have done to me
See the way you mistreated me.

Answer 3

Try adding in some imagery.
Compare yourself now to a non living object or idea. Try not to go too broad with this object or idea, for instance, if you were to compare yourself to "the dying embers of a fire's last breath" instead of just a general "flame."

Also, diction. How old are you? you can come up with more sophisticated words than what youre using.
All it needs is a little work, a few tweaks here and there.
Keep writing. You have potential.

xMEGANx

Answer 4

it is likewise cheating no longer on condition which you replica off the internet, yet once you replica right here from all people who writes a poem for you. you have asked this question before and the respond from me is an identical. the instructor assigned you the poem (no longer everyoone else right here on Yahoo), so which you will desire to make the attempt to place in writing something. examine what makes a stable poem, and then take a seat and picture approximately your subject remember. actual you comprehend approximately iciness. do no longer ask others to do your paintings and then connect you call to it. this is cheating and the instructor will comprehend you probably did no longer do it your self.

Answer 5

Poetry is art. When people look at a painting and you ask them what they see, most likely, you'll get many different answers. One painting can arouse different emotions depending on who's looking at it. And sometimes, the same person can go back to the same painting on a different day and feel something totally different...something (s)he missed the first time the painting was presented. Does that make any sense to you?

Answer 6

Maybe not enough distance. Why don't you try re-writing it, using the third person singular (He took her...). Work on it, as the literary piece you want it to be. Once you are satisfied with it, you can always change back to the first person.

Answer 7

If you could only see,
the hole you left in me,
broken, and torn,
you said forever,
and im a fool for believing in those words,
ifyou could only see,
but you are blinded to the ways you mistreated me,
....blah b,ah blah

Answer 8

you took my heart
you took my soul
and left behind an empty hole
when you said we'd be together forever
i took your words
but i should have never
i only wish that you could see the way you have mistreated me

Answer 9

if you cant do it, don't even try. your asking for help when you should really be doing it yourself. don't just write a poem all willy-nilly unless you truly have a reason to. wait for the emotion or moment at least. don't write just to write, no inspiration can be received if you do so. my advice to you is wait for the moment, when you have it and know you can do it, then do it.

Answer 10

it doesnt flow nice enough. make some of the lines shorter. you cant go from very long to short . it sounds bad that way