I've been considering a divorce.....?

Question

and it's not because I don't love my husband anymore or because our problems are soo big and unfixable that it's the only way. It's because he is unapproachable and our problems(however small they may be) never get discussed. Anytime I try to talk to him about things that need discussion it ends in a screaming match because of his HORRIBLE temper. I am mostly worried about my daughter(6 months) growing up around this shaky and angry situation. I hate to fight so most of the time I avoid topics that are extremely important just to keep from fighting.I have just became soo disgusted with his attitude that I dont even want to be loving with him anymore. I just am really needing a solution to this. I am very unhappy and see the only way to change it is to divorce since he wont be an active party in our lives. I didnt get married to get divorced and would love to work things out and stay together so any advice would be great. Have you experienced anything like this? If so, can you help me?

I think it's best to get advice from people who dont know us.....third party opinions are best.
but thanks for your attitude anyway

he is aware that I am unhappy

he has said that if I ever try to leave him he would kill me..chop me up into a million pieces....things like that

I just cant deal with hearing **** like that...not to mention it's scary as hell

"the small stuff" is the fact that we live with his parents because he refuses to get a second job, a better job, or let me work

that he is nasty about everything
he is always telling me what to do
he never helps me with the baby....unless I beg and I have a time limit
he is selfish
I am stuck here with his family while he is working, fishing, hunting. etc and they are too much to handle, but he doesnt care

the list can go on

Answer 1

I stayed in this kind of marriage for 17 years - 16.25 years too long.

OK. I know what the solution you WANT is - you want your husband to be the man he was when you were first married. Sadly, this isn't going to happen and his temper is only going to get worse - it's not a good situation.

Since everything is your fault - and he refuses to go to counseling (you didn't say this but I'm guessing) it's up to you to make the changes. Then he'll have no choice but to change. He won't like this.

Talk to a lawyer advice about the mechanics of your divorce. There are all kinds of things - custody and parenting issues not the least - to work through.

Realize that you will have to have this man in your life in some way because of your child. He will be coparenting her. Whether that's a good thing for her or not is not the issue. He is her father and you will have to deal with it.

Keep in mind that despite all the tv and such, divorces are not easy, quick or painless. They take more time and cost more money than you realize. Gather your support group around you - friends, parents, etc.

Let your work know about this - you're going through a terrible time in your life - you don't need your work to falter now as well.

Finally, if and when you file, realize this is not a game. This is not a ploy to make him change or to get back at him or anything personal etc. It's because you and husband are no longer suited for each other. But if you file, understand that it's for keeps. It isn't a game or for revenge.

If you are angry enough to want to "get him back" etc. then go to counseling first so you can learn to forgive him and to build up strength for the ensuing fracas that lies ahead.

Best of luck.

Answer 2

There may be a few things going on here. You mentioned,"our problems(however small they may be)..." As the saying goes, don't sweat the small stuff. He may see you as a nag. We women, perfect as we may be, can get l like that...okay, okay,so we're not that perfect. Man, I hate it when men are right:) Let the small stuff go. Unless he's abusive, don't divorce him. Marrying him was your choice, and divorcing him would only punish your baby. She had no say in any of this. Do these things REALLY need discussing? If so, what kinds of things are they? When you see he's getting irritated, BACK OFF. That's about all I can say. Okay, I just read the additional details, which changes everything. Leave him, go to a women's shelter, press charges next time he threatens you. and divorce him. Make sure he never sees that baby by himself. That's all you can do. He needs professional help, as do you, and the women's shelter will provide the professional help for you. One thing they'll discuss with you is how it is you came to be with a guy like this, and maybe next time you'll make a better choice.

Answer 3

I used to be the same way. Then one day I just lost it and told my husband I was leaving because I refused to live like that. He begged me to stay and promised to change. At first I doubted that such a big change could happen but it has. It wasn't easy and there were many bumps along the way but we stuck it out together and have now been married 25+ years (26 in December 2007). I also didn't want my kids to be raised that way. I don't think I've provided them with an always ideal childhood but we've certainly tried. Maybe you standing your ground and letting him know that you won't tolerate the hiding from the problems and sweeping every little thing under the rug so as to avoid any conflicts at all. He probably suffers from a fear of confrontation and uses his temper to hide behind. Other than the fact that I never had to live with his family your situation sounds very much like mine. Is his father the same way (with the temper) and his mother tolerates it? My husband made many threats against me (he'd hurt me, run away to Canada so he'd never have to pay child support or alimony, suicide so I wouldn't get a dime, of so many different threats - the shame of it now is he forgets all the tough times I've lived thru, but that's okay because he really is a changed man). Is there any support for you with his family? His mother or a sister? You need someone to be supportive of you thru this and you also could probably benefit from a good therapist. I didn't make any moves myself for so many years because of fear, but they only have control over us when we are fearful, when we lose the fear they don't have the control anymore. I wish you the best of luck and God's Blessings.

Answer 4

Girl, believe it or not, I am going thru the SAME thing. It's hard to tell you what you should do, because you are the only one that knows you're breaking point. I knowyou still love your husband, but he isnt the same man you fell in love with. Something changed. I have 2 kids...1 and 2 and they have been going thru this since my 2 year old was 2 months. You keep thinking things will get better, things will change... just take it from me that they dont. I'm threatned on a daily basis...choked, pushed...have a plan in order. I know i have one and it involves leaving within the month because it's no longer a safe enviornment. only YOU will know when the time is right. good luck

Answer 5

I use to be just like him. I have gotten a lot better but there are times when I get in a funk and don't want to mess with anything. My wife and I separated for four years before getting back together. We both had some growing g up to do in that time. We now discuss things more openly. My advise to you is to tell him how you feel, but here is the kicker, DO NOT come across as you feel like a victim. when you do this, even if it how you feel, he will feel as if you are attacking him. That is what triggers his anger and causes him to shut you out. I think the two of you need to go to a few sessions of counseling to learn to communicate with each other. Communication is an art that can be taught. Sounds like the both of you could use a couple of lessons.

Answer 6

The problem here is he cant accept the stress of a family life. This is something you can talk about prior to getting marrid but until youre actually there, you have no idea how a person will react to the everyday pressure and thats exactly what hes doing here. Its not that he doesnt love you or the baby, its just that he cant handle it. Professionalhelpwill help him work thru this but only if hes willing to do it. You can try seperation beford divorcing so he can use the time apart to work thru his feelings and get his priorities straight thus saving your marriage if this is what you want also. Good luck

Answer 7

People talk about getting counselling , but in my opinion I like to discuss my problems with my wife and not a third person around. What I think you could do before you get a divorce is try giving yourself some time apart from him making him believe your not coming back to see if his attitude will change . Then I think if he really loves you he will have enough time to think about were he went wrong and then he might really want to sit and talk about the situation and there you could express your self openly to him . If you come back and it gets the same way again then consider what ever is best for you if that means a divorce.

Answer 8

I read a study that said lack of communication is the underlying cause of pretty much every divorce. It's too bad your husband won't talk to you about your situation because when you love someone the marriage can almost always be saved.

Have you tried insisting on counseling. Tell your husband what you said here & that if he won't go with you, and keep an open mind, you will have no choice but to file for divorce. You are right, you can't live like this & it is not healthy for your baby.

It takes courage, but you can do it.

Answer 9

Pray to Jehovah God sincerely. Keep in mind your hubby is a grown man who is set in his ways. Its hard to help someone who may not want the help. Tell him you want family therapy to work it out. Stop putting your feelings on the back burner. He didn't marry himself and his attitude is selfish. Can't be selfish when you're married. If you don't wanna leave or if he won't get help, u go get the counseling so u can get tips on how to cope with the situation. Keep in mind it m8 be unhealthy... Love yourself enough to open up and be honest. You also deserve to be happy. Just be sure to PRAY b4 u make any decisions. With that sitution, I pray 4 u too.

Answer 10

Oh ya I have experienced stuff like this. (And I'll try to be nice). Let me ask you, do you think he is staying up nights or has takin the time to resoleve the little issues and help you make your home sancuary (he being the tough guy that he is) or is he flaking out and being argumentative to aviod real inamacy or accept that he may have been wrong in his thinking. I'm not saying he IS wrong, I'm saying has he considered it? (I doubt it) A short fuse means he is weak. ANd not a good man for you or your daughter. He should go back to his parents where life was so much better for him huh?