Thesis, sounds ok?

Question

I'm writing a paper on Russian invasion, I was wondering how would this fit as my intro and thesis statement:

The French Invasion of Russia was part of the Napoleonic Wars fought in 1812.This essay will focus on the view that it was Napoleon’s most unsuccessful war and will examine the flaws which led to the defeat. The French unawareness of the Russian climate at winter, the great supply shortage the armies ran into and the great casualties are the main cause for Russia’s ultimate victory.

Suggestions & critique welcome! :)

Answer 1

Actually, that was not the Russians doing the invading, that was the French.

The French Invasion of Russia in 1812 was the critical turning point of the Napoleonic Wars. This essay will focus on the view that it was Napoleon’s most unsuccessful war.The flaws which lead to Napoleon' defeat will be examined. Briefly, the French army was not especially aware and somewhat heedless of the extreme Russian climate in winter. Napoleon' French army suffered unnecessarily. Napoleon's great supply lines were blocked. The French army's shortage of arms and other essential materials were critical factors in the French army' defeat. The tremendous casualties inflicted on the French army by both weather and the Russian army were the main causes for Russia’s ultimate victory.

Answer 2

i was going to say 'go for a 3-part thesis if you're going for a 5 paragraph essay' but it looks like you took care of that (russian climate, supply shortages, cassualties).

i'd agree with the other person's point: avoid the "This essay" part; maybe even take out the entire sentence.

if this is your intro paragraph, i'd say try to make it a lil longer by making a transition from general information on the russian invasion to your thesis sentence. this might sound nit-picky but it might be better to end your thesis with "France's ultimate defeat" since the event essentially caused the downfall of napoleon and the french empire.

good luck on your essay.

Answer 3

Try this:

Napoleon's retreat from Moscow has become by-word for military defeat. Part of the wider European conflict known as the Napoleonic Wars, the Emperor's Russian campaign was his greatest catastrophe. French unawareness of the Russian winter's severity, logistical failures and unsustainable casualties together explain how the militarily inferior Russians triumphed.

Answer 4

A decent start. Just for your own edification, follow the link below and read up on the work of Charles Joseph Minard. He was an engineer who produced a statistical representation of the invasion. It takes into account temperature, troop loss, and geography as the invasion took its course. There are images on the net of the chart, some are still in French, most have an explanation in english.

to get you started:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Joseph_Minard
http://www.answers.com/topic/charles-joseph-minard

Answer 5

It is fine so far. Now just write a little on each of your subjects that belong in the essay.

Answer 6

It sounds okay. I would avoid saying "this essay" though. Also, don't try to sum up your entire paper in one or two sentences. Don't worry, you are just about there, your paper will be great.

Answer 7

Sounds good. Good luck with the essay!