I am curious as to why I am expected to let elderly people be rude to me and its ok?

Question

First I want to say that I have worked in a lodge for many years. I have made good friends with many people much much older then me.

With my grandparents though, my family expects me to let them cross bounderies and be rude to me and my kids 'because that is respectful and they are old'. My response was that I think that at their age they should be better at life and have less of an excuse to be rude and that I shouldn't have to silently 'take it' or be seen as disrespectful by my whole family (my family is huge on politeness and conformity and appearances rather then standing up for yourself).

Is it so wrong to not coddle them and be all close to them, because I don't like the way they treat me? I love them. I talk to them occasionally.. but I can't be close to someone who shows such rudeness in a loving and tender 'I only want what God wants for you' voice. I love them, but can't include them alot. I dont' cut them out, but am distant. Is my family right? Am I so awful?

Answer 1

You will find that people have fundamentally different beliefs on this topic. I don't tolerate rudeness or disrespect from anyone, including family. Some people think that you stick with your family no matter what, that all bets are off when it comes to family. I don't have a relationship with my father or brother because of they way they have treated me. You can make your own family, it doesn't have to be blood related. You should surround yourself with people who love you and treat you with respect. Period. No exceptions.

Answer 2

You have to remember that elderly people are not as sensitive as young people. They've had more experiences and they know that it's not worth getting upset over every little thing, so they may seem rude sometimes. Also, some elderly people are just downright senile and are not exactly aware of the thing they say or do. They are not politically correct either, they grew up in a different era when people didn't have such fragile egos . They say what they feel, at least they aren't playing games with you and expecting you to read between the lines. Some of them do have entitlement issues but hey, maybe we will too one day when we're that age. I can't exactly say that we live in a society were older people are respected. Instead we have this very arrogant youth worshipping culture.

Answer 3

It's unclear what it is your grandparents do that you think is rude. If they are just expressing their disagreement with the way you are living, and they do so in a "loving and tender . . voice", as you say, then I think you should put up with a certain amount of it. After all, they really do only want what's best for you, even if you disagree with what that is. However, if they keep bringing the same things up repeatedly, then you should be able to tell them firmly but GENTLY that you understand how they feel about it, and you appreciate their input; but they must let you handle it.

I do agree that a little distance, however, is better than an all-out war. And, if it's clear that they're just not going to back off a bit, then limited contact is the way to go. But be sure to continue to be kind and tell them how much you love them.

Answer 4

I so agree with you. I have experienced and witnessed so many elderly people take such advantage of their age and be rude, disrespectful, and just plain mean- and when I have spoken to them about it (I have worked in retail for over 25 years) they make excuses. Of course, there are the ones who ar so utterly charming and well mannered, I feel like a barbarian in their presence...
but to answer your question, I don't think you're "awful" - I have a cousin who continually degrades everyone and everything, and I don't see her. It's not my place to change her-so I just opt out, like you are. What else can you do?

Answer 5

I'm sorry to say age doesn't always mean they know better. I think the reason why your parents don't want you to say anything is because it shows lack of respect to your elders. Maybe ask one of your parents to talk with them and let them know how they are coming off to your children & see if that gets resolved. I am sorry to say I have grandmother that is rude to people at moments. Being older they are set in their ways & you might just have to find a way to accept them for how they are. Maybe try explaining to your children if they are old enough not to let it bother them & tell them why to make them feel better. All I can say is most likely you will have to accept this behavior if you want them in your life.

Answer 6

It doesn't sound like you're being disrespectful. It sounds like you're asserting your self dignity in the most appropriate manner possible. You are to be commended.

You may want to have a very direct discussion, and emotionless as possible, and state very clearly why you feel you need to distance yourself from them. But if that will cause more pain than healing, skip it. They're old, and since the beginning of time it's be a cruel fact that you simply cannot chose your family.

Answer 7

No you are not so awful, there is no excuse for rudeness.

Sounds like you are the only one with brains. I'd be the same way. You should respect your elders but not allow them to be rude to you or your family. Making excuses for rudeness is rude.

Answer 8

It's tough with old family members. But here's the thing: they're not going to change. They're from a different time and when they grew up, it was not polite to "tell it like it is". Instead, they resort to underhanded comments and criticism. I hear from my grandma "Well dear, you certainly wouldn't be single for long if you went to church," and other statements like that.

The best thing to do is smile, say "okay" then change the subject.

Answer 9

you know what..i was brought up with class and culture and although we didn't have money to have class doesn't cost a dime...and i wasn't ghetto....so i was brought up to respect my elders..did any of them ever say anything nasty..like "Oh my God you have gained so much weight you fat pig"...NO...did they try to give me advice I may not have wanted to hear because I thought I already knew it all...YES....if i had grandparents like the 1st ones...unless they have a mental disorder and can't help it...then you remove yourself from that situation....if they are only giving you advise then listen....hey everyone...we all die...think of it this way for all you who are complaining about parents or grandparents..where would you be without some of them...and think they'll be dead someday anyway....but think of this too...then one day it will be your turn...and when you are sad because you know your days are getting less and less...and no one appreciates you (not like the Japanese culture do) maybe you too will have an ungrateful grandson/granddaughter...or son/daughter who can't wait for you to die!

Answer 10

Your description of your family explains why your grandparents get away with being rude. It seems to me that one can be respectful and not tolerate others being rude to oneself or one's children.