Hubby in Iraq -- while he's gone, I'm "getting with" a gf to meet needs -- need to tell him when he gets back?

Question

I feel really bad about this but I need something and figure it's better than being w/a man besides hubby... help?

Answer 1

No it isn't better. Cheating is cheating! If you need to be satisfied. Do it yourself. There is no excuse for what you have done. I think you have found out you would rather be with a female than a male and now you are looking for an excuse for that. You need to be honest with yourself first and foremost. Telling him won't do anything to strengthen your marriage but you do need to go to counseling when he returns. I'm ashamed to have you in the same sex category as I am. Stop what you are doing right now.

Is this what you said at your wedding?
"You will be asked to promise before God, your friends and your families, that you will love, comfort, honour and protect your partner and BE FAITHFUL to them as long as you both shall live."

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!!!!
There are adult stores all over the place that would help you with your needs.

Answer 2

It doesn't matter if you "get your needs", as you put it from a man or a woman, it's still cheating either way. Some will say he's probably cheating, but maybe he isn't. Have you thought about what state of mind he will be in when he comes home anyway. And then you want to drop that kind of a shocker on him. You really need to get your priorities straight and end the crap with your friend. If you absolutely can't control yourself then go to an adult store and pick up some gadgets, they will work wonders. You should have thought about these things before marrying a guy in the military. My husband is away for long periods of time, I have NEVER cheated and I have an extremely high sex drive, with I have a few gadgets for when it gets bad. He knows about them and they put his mind at ease, besides it doesn't matter who your with you can still bring disease into your marriage, you should have more respect for your husband, look at where he is and you can't have a little self control, I would be way to worried about him 24/7 to even think about getting a little or to even get horny

Answer 3

What needs are you talking about? Everyone assumes that they are sexual needs. Why are you even here hiding what the needs are? From your wording it does seem to be physical intimate needs that you are referring to, is that correct?

You say that you really feel bad about this, right there that says something about you doing something against your personal values.

I am part of different 12 step groups, have you ever considered:
Why are you asking us for doing some personal? You are going to do what you want to do in spite of what the people say here.
Are you looking to justify something either Ying \ Yang or positive \ negative?
What your REAL motives and needs are to be intimate with your girlfriend?
How much do you truly Honor and Respect your Hubby and the Relationship that you choose to co-create with him?
How would you feel if your Hubby when he came back was able to be intimate with this same girlfriend? Without your knowledge either pre and post of the event. With your knowledge either pre and post of the event.
How would you feel if your hubby got intimate with one of his female peers while away from you?
If this came out 15 years from now in the public knowledge how would you feel then?

Have you ever thought about transferring those " needs" to paper and writing a personal romance, R or XXX letter to your husband to prime his desire for you when he comes back and can use your female loving to normalize his bruised and battered spirit and soul with all that he has experience in Iraq?

I for one believe in such a thing as soul ties \ soul bonding. That the spiritual attachment that occurs in an intimate relationship last long after the memories are faded.
Can you accept what ever emotional and spiritual baggage your girlfriend has as part of yours and your marriage?
How would the emotional and spiritual baggage affect your hubby, or the relationship you have with your hubby right now?

A Cold War \ Nam Era Air Force veteran

Answer 4

This is a hard decision for anyone to make. You need to consider all the ramifications of this action. There are just a myriad of points to consider. Should you remain silent, and he find out, then you have exposed yourself to a whole other can of worms. If you don't tell him, and you contract a std or worse HIV, from the action, you then have placed your husband and yourself in a very dangerous position health wise. The Only alternative to this situation is to be honest and straight up front with him. Before he returns home. I would highly recommend you offer a letter to the Unit Chaplin were your husband is stationed. Explain this to him.

Have him bring your husband in for a counseling session. If i were returning from combat, and the moment I got home, If what i heard first was, I'm glad your back, but while you were gone, i had a sexual affair with a girlfriend, That could put me in a state of mind, that you may not wish to see. Please do not hide this from him. seek others opinion on this highly potential explosive situation. The first thing you must realize is what you did is Cheating on your husband, No matter how you try to rationalize it. Good Luck on your difficult journey.

Answer 5

I speak from personal experience on this, not just a 'civilian' giving my opinion. I was a military spouse and home alone long periods of time.

Like many have said, cheating is cheating. You're only trying to justify it and make yourself feel better by thinking it's not as bad. It is.

I'm not someone that thinks the spouse should always be told though. If you stop now, and know you can remain faithful, perhaps honesty is not always best if it won't change your relationship.

You feel somewhat bad for cheating - and you should, but why should you make him feel miserable as well? You feeling guilty is part of suffering the consequences of your actions. You need to suffer with the guilt of your own mistakes on your own rather than make BOTH of you miserable. Many times 'confessing' is about making ones self feel better. The relationship gets messed up or ended because the cheater all of a sudden wants to be 'honest' - feels they owe it. That's BS. It's about trying to feel better and be forgiven. Well, if you can tell yourself you'll never cheat again, then keep it to yourself and make sure you suffer in silence. Logically, NO good comes of telling the person other than YOU getting to feel relief at being 'honest.' The other person gets hurt, may partly feel they did something wrong, in this case may blame the military (wrongly so) for making them have to be gone, they don't trust you now, they will worry the whole time they're gone the next time, and the relationship may never be the same. So if you can swear to yourself (and mean it) that you won't cheat again, then shut up and keep it to yourself - better only one of you unhappy than both. If you can't be faithful, then split up (AFTER he's back).

You don't want his head in the wrong place while his life may depend on him having a clear head.

Since you're so far not able to put your man above your sex needs, or love him enough to simply do it yourself, then it seems to me you're probably in the wrong relationship to begin with.

Or perhaps like some people, an 'open relationship' would actually work for you two. Depending on how much time he has left, ask if has wanted to cheat while he's been gone. Ask him if you can be with your GF. Perhaps you two can agree that while apart for more than 6 mos (or whatever) at a time, that you can be with someone else - discretely, only if safe sex, and if not emotionally attached.

If he asks if you've already cheated on him - LIE to him and say no. Yes, sucks to lie, but he's not off working in the corporate world for six months in Spain. He's in a war, being shot at, and needs a clear head. So lie to him. The truth can come out after he's safe at home.

Since you're getting to play while he's gone, he should get the same. That it's a GF is totally irrelevant. You can NOT have double standards where it could only be you with that benefit.

Answer 6

No! Since you don't feel that you can 'do without' while hubby is gone, then that is your decision and having made it, YOU have to be able to live with it. Your wanting to confess to hubby when he gets home is saying that you really can't shoulder your decision alone; that you want to lay some of it off on him when he gets back. Sounds like you really can't live with your decision....therefore, maybe you should make a decision you can live with.

Answer 7

I really hate deployment widows they give the rest of a bad name. It doesn't matter if its with a man or a woman. I would tell him when he gets back and be prepared for whatever happens. You made the bed no you can lie in it.

Answer 8

You should be ashamed of yourself. He's over there, fighting for this country's freedom,. putting his life on the line every day and all you can think about is your "needs"?.. What about him, This will probably crush him. He may think you are at home, praying for his safe return, but instead, you become a lesbian? You really are disgusting. I don't usually say harsh things to people, but you deserve it if he leaves you. Then you can go back and get what you "need" from gf yuck!!!!!

Answer 9

how would you feel if he found a woman over there to meet his needs until its time for him to come home ? just because your with a woman doesn't mean its alright.... I really hope with all my being he's doing the same too you. you don't deserve him you should be so ashamed of your self. your a selfish vile person he's in Iraq fighting for this country and YOUR freedom and all you can think about is getting off....
YOUR ARE TRULY DISGUSTING

Answer 10

Cheating is cheating, whether you do so with a male or a female. While your husband is in Iraq doing his duty, you can't stay true to him like most of the wives are doing with regards to their spouses serving there as well? Shame on you. If you cheat, he should part ways with you as I believe he deserves someone who will be faithful to him ALWAYS.