Someone please help me....Please.?

Question

I am in desperate need of a few words of advice, and since I have no one in this life I can turn to...maybe a few of you kind hearted people can help me through this. I am a 19 year old female muslim living in America all my life. My family comes from a quite traditionally conservative family. All my life they have expected me to be arranged to someone and get married, and although I quiety nodded, I know I cannot go through with it. I have met the most amazing guy of my life, who just makes me smile no matter what. He is simply perfect for me. Problem is, he is White. I am Pakistani. I want to marry him, he even proposed to me and I said yes. Now I do not know what to do. I dont know if I have to pick him or my family, because I know I can only have one. I tried breaking off ties with him, I cried my eyes out, he just wouldnt let go. he begged me...he said his life lay in my hands, and I just couldnt stand hearing that from him and seeing him so hurt. He is willing to convert for me

He is willing to do ANYTHING. His family is so supportive. They have helped both of us so much. problem is, my family doesnt even know who this guy is. They can see something is up, but they have no idea to what extent I am serious. All my life, my parents told me to not "ashame" them by doing something like this, and never did I imagine myself to be in this position. It just happened, and I do not know what to do. I even contemplated suicide...but I dont know :( I have done so much wrong in my life, I hate myself. Killing myself would only do both sides so much harm. What can I do? How should I tell them about this guy? He is converting for me...what else can he do? How is the islamic marriage process?

Is there anything that can make this easier on them? Remember, they want me to be arranged. You have no idea how bad my life has been. I have never even been allowed to have a b/f. I have always considered myself weird. And now I am forced with the biggest decision of my life. Help me.

Answer 1

I know a Pakistani family whose daughter did the same thing except her b/f did not convert. They were disappointed because she did not do what THEY wanted but they still love her and have come to live with her decision. Perhaps your parents will do the same.

Cheers :-)

Answer 2

Confusion and anguish can make anyone feel like there is nowhere to turn, and I understand feeling like you have no options. But you do. you really do. This is so important, and you have to make a huge decision here. The culture you have been brought up within demands that you follow your parents wishes. No questions asked. That you are asking, and considering other options indicates that your beliefs have come to differ from your parents. Marrage means you have decided that you are no longer subject to your parents will, but ready to stand on your own with your husband. Even if he is willing to convert, it may not make any difference to them-or it may. But you have to decide seperate from that. You have to decide weather or not it is important enough to you to be independent and free, or to live within your parents bounds for you. No one is right or wrong- at least that's my belief. Can you be at peace if you marry this man and your parents never come around? That you have grown up in America, it is inevitable that you would believe that you should have a choice. Please, try to take some time for this decision. It is impossible to think clearly when your emotions are high, and that is what you need to find a way to do. That you are a young woman in love, that is going to be really hard to do, I am sure. But you must help yourself to become more calm, so you can get clear.
This will be a huge step away from your parents if you do decide for yourself- that cannot be helped. By the very act of deciding, you are taking a big step out of your traditional culture. So think long and hard, about who YOU want to be. Not who everyone else wants you to be. This is HARD, not just for you but for women everywhere. We all are brought up to please. Now you have to decide just how much compromise you want to make. And then accept your decision and move forward. There is no way to make everyone happy here. So you have to decide what is best for you. Good luck, and don't give up, this is worth the effort!!!

Answer 3

There is no immorality in escaping from an immoral situation.

It doesn't matter how much your family are looking forward to this - WHAT THEY WANT IS WRONG.

You have a choice: remain in a situation where you will be exploited and controlled, and forced to live a miserable life to please others; or take control of your own life, and find your own happiness.

There should be organisations that are set up to help people like you. This happens a lot - far too often.

You owe it to yourself to control your own life. If your parents can't handle that, that's their problem. It's the 21st century, and women are not slaves anymore.

I don't imagine that life will be all roses if you go with this guy. Prepare for problems ahead - but they'll be YOUR problems, and not ones that have been imposed on you.

Get help - look in the phonebook for Women's Shelters, and call them.

It's YOUR life. Take it back.

CD

Answer 4

By all means, PLEASE don't end your life. You're right, it would hurt both your family and the guy and if you really care about them you would never do this to them.

I think you'll spend the rest of your life wondering "What if" if you don't marry the guy you've met, especially if the arranged marriage isn't a happy on (and the odds are it won't be since you're in love with someone else). It's easy for me to say since I'm not the one in the situation, but I think it would be best to marry the white guy and hope your parents come around. They'll obviously be very upset at first, but sometimes when this happens the angry family misses their child and wants to see their grandchildren.

Hope this helps, take care.......

Answer 5

You face a difficult problem.

It seems to me, regardless if a marriage is arranged or if it is for love, that the bride is always trading her childhood family for the promise of creating a new family with her husband. You say you have lived in America "all" your life. If you mean you were born in America, you are a citizen. You're over 18 so you could even vote and nobody, not even your father, could prevent it. You are a free person and can choose your own destiny -- that's one of the best things about living in a "free" country.

I'm going to let you in on a giant secret about men. They always fall in love with the first person they have sex with. That's why arranged marriages work at all. Once a virgin male begins regularly making love with his new wife, he becomes hopelessly in love with her because he is sexually addicted to her. The truth is, a man can marry nearly anyone and have a happy marriage because that's the way the pair-bonding instincts of all male mammals operate. Sex is nature's way of compelling males to love their mate.

On the other hand, having sex does not necessarily cause a woman to fall in love. Women generally choose the man they love, before they sleep with him. She can be certain she will always love her children, but sleeping with a new husband does not guarantee she will learn to love him. If a wife is to be certain of loving her husband, she must choose wisely before she is married.

Your parents have raised you in America. Do you think of yourself as an American? In America, no one can force you to do anything against your will. When you marry, whether arranged or by free will, you will be leaving your father's home. His role in your life is nearly over and your real responsibility is to yourself and to your future husband. If you accept an arranged marriage, even if your parents choose wisely, there is always the possibility that you will be unable to learn to love the man they pick and be trapped in a lifelong loveless marriage. Ask yourself, would this be worse than a short disagreement with your parents who raised you in America but expect you to live like you're in Pakistan. Considering the rest of your life is at stake, I think it's time for you to think of your own happiness. Are you a purebred Pakistani mare whose owner insists you only be bred with a purebred Pakistani stallion, or are you an intelligent educated American woman who has the right to marry a man she loves?

Answer 6

you need to make sure you are being true to what is right in this situation. You should pray and fast or repent, seek guidance, dont make a bad decision and betray your heart in either sense, in a way it sound as though you knew him for quite some time secretly, and maybe if you didn't let it escalate to that you wouldn't be in this sort of stress. I'd take it slow, and tell the truth about everything, lies will only frustrate your situation. You shouldn't hide your feelings from your family, you should be open with them. That would be a much healthier thing. If this helps at all, or if you need more help, feel free to email me. Dont keep it inside like that, and most definately dont ever even think about doing something to hurt yourself. It sounds like there are alot of people who love you. Dont feel that way. And dont hide from your family, they aren't people who you should have distance between.

Answer 7

I was answering a similar question for a Hindu woman a few weeks ago. I'll tell you what I told her more or less.

Love is what matters. The love you choose, that you find in life, matters infinitely more than an accident of birth.

Please please PLEASE marry the man you love. If you don't you will regret it forever, and regret is a poison.

If your family truly loves you, and doesn't just think of you as theirs by accident of birth, they will understand and support you in following love.

If they don't truly love you, that is their loss and none of yours.

God is love, love is why we are alive and there is no other law that matters a 10th as much.

Answer 8

Let me promise you that there is a way out other than killing yourself. It will be okay,really.
I really think your parents will be okay in time. They may be very upset now but time will help heal it.
It sounds like you found a good man and between you two,you will show your family that this is the best thing for you. That is what they want,really. It is just going to take some time for them to see it.
Tell them how strong your convictions are and stick to them. Tell your parents you love and respect them but this is your choice.
Then wait.
You will be fine! Congratulations on your new life!

Answer 9

I've seen the control that traditional families have on a girl. If you don't have the heart for leaving your family and counting on nothing from them- they might not even ever speak to you again- then don't do anything that disrupts your obedience to them. If you ask me, you don't have the heart for it.

So tell the guy that the engagement is off, and bow your neck to your parents, who should know what it is that you have done.

If it were me, I would get married with whoever I wanted. But that's the way I was raised.

Answer 10

You are in a pickle.

I hope someone from your faith will post an answer for you. I do not understand the culture so I can be of no help. Only know that I feel for you and the situation that you are in.

I hope it works out for you.