Someone please help me....Please.?

Question

I am in desperate need of a few words of advice, and since I have no one in this life I can turn to...maybe a few of you kind hearted people can help me through this. I am a 19 year old female muslim living in America all my life. My family comes from a quite traditionally conservative family. All my life they have expected me to be arranged to someone and get married, and although I quiety nodded, I know I cannot go through with it. I have met the most amazing guy of my life, who just makes me smile no matter what. He is simply perfect for me. Problem is, he is White. I am Pakistani. I want to marry him, he even proposed to me and I said yes. Now I do not know what to do. I dont know if I have to pick him or my family, because I know I can only have one. I tried breaking off ties with him, I cried my eyes out, he just wouldnt let go. he begged me...he said his life lay in my hands, and I just couldnt stand hearing that from him and seeing him so hurt. He is willing to convert for me

He is willing to do ANYTHING. His family is so supportive. They have helped both of us so much. problem is, my family doesnt even know who this guy is. They can see something is up, but they have no idea to what extent I am serious. All my life, my parents told me to not "ashame" them by doing something like this, and never did I imagine myself to be in this position. It just happened, and I do not know what to do. I even contemplated suicide...but I dont know :( I have done so much wrong in my life, I hate myself. Killing myself would only do both sides so much harm. What can I do? How should I tell them about this guy? He is converting for me...what else can he do? How is the islamic marriage process?

Is there anything that can make this easier on them? Remember, they want me to be arranged. You have no idea how bad my life has been. I have never even been allowed to have a b/f. I have always considered myself weird. And now I am forced with the biggest decision of my life. Help me.

Answer 1

Forgive me for being blunt...but you are in America now, and have been all your life so far. There is an old saying..."When in Rome do as the Romans do." It means, when in a different place, follow their customs to be a part of that community.

My wife is Malaysian. Her family was upset because she fell in love with me (I'm Caucasian). What it boiled down to was...this is our life, our love, our family. I did not marry her family nor did she marry mine...we married each other. My family loves her, her family is now coming around after we told them 'grow up or risk never being part of our family again.' (we've been married 10 years now...best years of my life!)

I know this is hard, but if you are sure (at 19 you better be VERY sure) that you are 'in love' with this man, follow your heart. It is, after all, YOUR life to live. It is time your family returned the respect you have for them. I know many Pakistani friends who have managed to break free of outdated traditions and found their own happiness. Good luck to you, the pain will pass eventually.

Answer 2

Not understanding Pakistani laws, but India laws, if you are living in the US I suggest that you talk to your mom and/or sister and understand that your father will not approve. You can talk to the man you are betrothed to if you know who he is so that if he understands he is marrying someone who loves someone else, he may be able to reject you (master plan between you two, especially if he may feel the same way). This will be a very difficult turning point in your life. You will have to swallow a lot of agony to come out of the stone ages and upset your family balance, but if it is worth it for your own happiness(which I hope it is seeing that you need to take care of "YOU" first and foremost as a human being) Your love will prevail although it will always be followed by some sense of melancholy on special occasions. My best wishes to you friend. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

I've been in the samesituation as u as far having 2 choose between ur bf and family. My family means the world to me but so does my bf. Anyway I continued to see my bf even though my parents didnt approve. This caused many fights between us. I nearly lost them a few times. Now that all said and done they are ok with me dating him. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It did show me how strong I was. Your parents love you and want whats best. Tell them you meet this wonderful guy and he makes you happy and you love him. They might not except it straghit away but they will have more chance as time goes on to warm to the idea. I hope I helped and I hope all works out for the best. Goodluck.

Answer 4

oh darling, im so sorry a child so young should have to go through this. get ready for the fight of your life. never consider killing yourself. you are to important. let your boy friend convert first, then tell them. dont back down from your parents. fight for the love you have. they will get over it in due time. it might take years,they only want what they think is best for you. so remember when the times get harder that they think what they are doing is right and they want to follow faith. religion is so strong. keep your chin up. you can do this. you are not weird or bad. you are just a girl growing into a woman.

Answer 5

Going against family traditions and wishes is always hard.You evidently love the guy you are talking about. I have gone against family wishes and eventually they got over it. He has offered you marriage and is willing to do what it takes to be with you. If you don't want to give him up, introduce him to your family and let him explain that he is willing to convert. You still may have to chose to marry him against your family's wishes, but he sounds like a guy who will stand by you and help you through it. Most people eventually get over being upset and accept things.
I wish you all the best and hope it goes easy for you!

Answer 6

You're going to have to tell your parents about this guy. Discuss with them the idea of an arranged marriage, and how you really don't agree with the idea. Tell them that you would much rather feel love for a person naturally, rather than have to pretend that you feel something for him. Reassure them that you mean no disrespect to them or your culture, and you realize that arranged marriages have been the way of your culture for centuries. Tell them that here in the U.S., arranged marriages don't happen much at all. Tell them that you understand that they would like to follow the customs of their culture, but you feel that it would be very hard for you to be happy in such a relationship. Ask them to please consider your feelings in this matter. I wouldn't mention the extent of your relationship with this guy...... other than you know him and like him as a person. Offer to have them meet him. Give them a little time to think about it, and then ask them how they feel about it. If any change in the way they feel is going to happen, it will have to be done delicately and with great respect for them and their beliefs, even if you disagree.

Answer 7

I am very concerned for you. You said something about your parents not wanting you to "shame" them. Is it possible that they are capable of committing an honor killing? If you believe that they are capable of this, you have to figure out a way to get away from them. This is especially true if your parents expect you to live in Pakistan with the husband that they pick out for you. That said, research the homeless and battered women's shelters in your area. They might be able to help you. You can also call your local chapter of the National Organization for Women (www.now.org); many of the chapters have service lines where they can refer you to little known services in the area.

You said your bf's family was very supportive. I think you should reach out to them. Maybe they can help you. I would also try to get legally married to your boyfriend as soon as possible; as his wife, you will have legal protections that your parents could not interfere with.

Good luck!

Answer 8

Tell them that you love them and you do not want to shame them. Tell them that you are in love with a man that they have not chosen as your husband. Tell them that if they wish you will marry a man of their choosing and be miserable. Or they can choose these man and have you be happy.They can even pretend like they arranged it, as not to shame the family any further.

Answer 9

well u have to come clean with ur parents. i am a muslim 2 and have always worried about that. since he is willing to convert go 4 it. he loves u and u luv him that is very scarce in the world. tell ur parents wen they r in a good mood

good luck

Answer 10

I like the second answer.
That's what I think to.