why should birthparents have rights once they give their babie up?

Question

l'm not saying l don't feel for them, l do, but l think it's unfair to want your cake and eat it too. Just because you had the baby, if you choose not to keep it, it's not yours any longer. Some birthmothers keep act like they have a stake in that child's life and they don't, they're not the parents anymore.

Answer 1

This question could easily be turned right around and used against the adoptive parents.

"Why should adoptive parents have all the rights once they adopt the baby? Not saying I don't feel for them, I do, but I think it's unfair to want your cake and eat it too. Just because you adopt the baby, if you choose to keep it, it's not completely yours either. Some adoptive parents keep acting like they have the only stake in that child's life and they don't, they're not the only parents."

Seriously though, the child will always have adoptive and biological parents. The child will always have nurture and nature. It cannot be erased even when evidence of biological roots is attempted to be discarded.

Furthermore, part of the coercive nature used against mothers placing their children for adoption is promises of contact. Promises are made with no intention of following through once the adoption is finalized. Accountability needs to happen in those circumstances.

Answer 2

First of all, yes, they are still parents! Adoption is a form of parenting! It is when a birthparent makes a lifelong, loving plan for their child's life: To have a couple become the lifelong, day to day parents of their child. But that does not negate, or remove, the fact that this child ALSO has birthparents. Now, this child has two moms who love him/her, , etc. Any attitude of "it's not yours any longer" completely looses sight of what adoption is. It is a mutual, loving sharing, really. And the CONDITIONS of that sharing are spelled out in the mutually agreed upon Continuing Contact Agreement that is talked about, discussed, and decided upon usually before birth or at least before placement. Which may be no contact, photos and letters. Or it may be occasional visits, or yearly photos, It is whatever the birthmother wants and the adoptive parents support/want as well. Generosity has to be a part of any adoption plan, and a mutual respect. Experience and research shows most birthmothers lessen the contact after placement, bowing to the fact that they know their child is ok, loved and has everything they need for the rest of their lives. Due to the love and sacrifice from each of their parents. Have a stake in their child's lives? Of course, for without that "stake" as you say, there is no child, there is no adoption, there is no stable, secure life full of so much love!

Answer 3

It depends on the type of adoption. An open adoption is one where there is limited contact with the birth mother. My cousin gave her baby up in an open adoption. The boy understands that she was the birth mom and has met the whole family, he even came to her sisters wedding. She does not actively participate in his life, but she receives letters and pictures and an occasional visit.
Some people have very open adoptions where the birth mother is considered extended family and they stay very close. Others in an open adoption send letters and pictures but do not allow visits. In these adoptions the terms are hammered out prior to the birth of the child, it is an agreement between the birth mother and the adoptive parents.
Other adoptions are closed and the birth mother will see her child only right after birth and then give up rights for the rest of the child's life.
I believe the type of adoption you go through depends on you, if you want closed adoption then you can go that route, but if I were to give up a child I would want to meet the parents and know how they were raising the baby.

Answer 4

I think some of the responses parents have left to this question are so wonderful. To the parents who responded to this question by sharing w/us how they have opened up their's and their children's lives by including birthmothers in those lives: Thank you! Thank you for sharing your stories and also for being the open minded progressive thinking individuals you are. The world needs more people like you! I know this isn't really an answer to the question that was asked. But after reading some of the reply's I just felt I had to say something.

Answer 5

If the agreement was an open adoption, the adoptive parents AGREED to keep the birthmother's involved. Even in states with laws that protect that contract, they are often not enforced and the a-parents lock her out of contact. Does that seem fair? It's not.

Answer 6

She shared her body with a child for 9 mos and made the agonizing decision to give him/her up out of deep love and concern. That is profound and that is what a mother does.

Transferring legal rights, a social construct, does not erase the fact that there is a natural love and bond there. Someone who could do such a thing, and then cease caring is probably mentally ill

Many of us adoptive parents honor and cherish our children's first mothers and other bio family members, they gave us our greatest joy and suffered a great loss. We have a fully open, extended family type relationship with our sons first family, and believe it will enrich all of our lives.

You sound angry at mothers who choose to place their children, why should they be punished for making a sacrifice they feel is in their child's best interests? Isn't that what a mother does?

Answer 7

Absolutely not!! Birthparents who sign that document that states they relinquish all rights to the child, should be the last final time that there is any sort of contact with the child.

However, if agreed upon between the judge and the two parties (the adoptive parents and the birthparents), there can still be some sort of communication between the two parents. The BM can ask for pics of birthday's, graduations, just plain old photos of the child growing up, as well report cards, etc..This sort of contact is ONLY between the parents, and never divulged to the child.

Birthparents should not be allowed to do this, but this is commonly done.

Answer 8

What everyone is neglecting to address so far is the child. My brother is adopted and I would bet his life would have been much less stressful for him if he had been able to understand where he came from.

This topic isn't about what's best for the biological parents or the adoptive parents, but what is best for the child.

And people's assetertation that the birth mother gave up her child - too bad for her, is the most insensitive thing that can be said about this situation.

Answer 9

Sometimes it makes it easier for them to make the desicion to make an adoption plan. And in many cases, it is helpful for the child to know at least who the birthmother is. It prevents the fantasies that you normally see in adopted children who have never met their birth family. I think it's easier for both sides being able to know that the other person is doing OK.

Answer 10

They don’t have rights their paternal rights are completely terminated. Even in open adoption there are many where it’s just curtsey and not enforced if the adopted parents want to cease it, after all parents get to decide who has contact with their children. Even if there is a contract adopted parents can go to courts and have it revised or thrown out.