Is a 15 year old girl too old to spank? My husband says no but...?

Question

I am the mother / step-mother of 3 girls (ages 23, 15, 10). I stopped spanking the middle girl last year and her behavior has deteriorated. She is not doing her chores, she has become rude, she misses curfew, her grades have slipped. I know that much of this is normal teen behavior. I also know other ways of discipline; but she is not responding to grounding, loss of priviledges, lectures, or much else. I have also been consistent with the groundings and such; she abides by them but no change in behavior.

Please do not misunderstand. She is not horrible. She is still a good, sweet girl. I am venting frustration.

Over my objection, my husband spanked her; same way he did when she was younger. Across his lap, with his hand.

Strangely, it worked. There has a been a marked improvement. He says that I should not hesitate to spank her too as it has been my job traditionally to discipline the girls. But is she not too old? How old is too old?

Answer 1

It depends on the child. My 13 y/o daughter was going through some rough times due to personal issues with her dad getting remarried, so I arranged for her to speak with a counselor. I asked the same question to the counselor because she, like your daughter, wasn't responding to anything else. The counselor said that when spanking becomes ineffective, then she is too old. Therefore, if it gets her attention, and accomplishes your objective, then it is still OK. You have 14 years experience so I trust I don't have to point out not to over-do it.

Spanking is not illegal, nor is it child abuse, and a lot of cops will flat out tell you that all some kids need is a good old fashion whooping. I don't advocate excessive spanking, or spanking without explaining to the child why they are getting that particular punishment and I certainly don't advocate spanking while the parent is still angry because it can get out of hand. And for new parents especially, the punishment should be age appropriate. Spanking a 10 month old is down right ridiculous, they have no clue they did wrong.

This was a good and very controversial question. You will get many opinions on this subject and just because an opinion is different than, it doesn't make it wrong. So as I stated before, do what works for your daughter within the law. You and your husband know best.

Answer 2

Spank Girl

Answer 3

You might want to get her into counseling as well as your husband. After a certain point human beings begin accepting pain as a kind of love and attention. That happens more often than most people think because those it happens to do not tell others. If spanking is a constant ritual in your home it is no longer discipline, it is an attention ritual.

Something I never see in these kinds of posts. They never mention trying to find out why the child did whatever they did that the questioner judged they would have to be struck.

Answer 4

I wouldn't spank her because at this point it's considered hitting. She is old enough to understand the rules now and spanking should never be used on a child that already knows right from wrong and what the rules are. Sounds like she is really rebelling! Is there a way your husband would agree to counseling? Maybe all three of you could seek the advice of a counselor to help your daughter. Maybe you all just need some different and new tools to work with.

Answer 5

you are in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. Call the national hotline for domestic violence get some real help. The people here cannot help you. You are looking here for some validation. Ok you got it. You know the punishment was not harsh maybe dramatic. I would have taken the heater away. Seriously lady you have bigger problems get help now and early. I have step kids and what I say goes. For my kids and his. You may not be able to stay with him. Maybe you all need counseling. But find out

Answer 6

I don't believe she's to old for a spanking back in my day we were wipped with belts until we were 17

Answer 7

Children should not be spanked at any age because of the lesson it teaches, and as the age of the child increases the lesson it teaches a child gets worse. Though the spanking may work for instant gratification, spanking will teach any child that violence can be a reasonable solution. If your daughter sees that her parents find hitting to be an OK solution, then she may think hitting is an OK solution for her to use in the future. It's difficult to get even the sweetest teenagers to listen or follow rules because it's in their nature to be rebellious. Everything you say you're doing is pretty much all there is to do for the time being. Of course in extreme conditions, you can get the law involved, but if it's a very sweet girl who's generally well behaved, it's just a matter of doing what you're doing until she matures enough to respect your wishes. Teenagers will even tend to go out of their way to do things their parents tell them not to do as a way to prove that you're "not the boss of them" when in truth, you are.

Answer 8

She is without a doubt WAY too old for spanking. But the things she is doing is unacceptable. You need to nip it in the bud before she gets a little older and you've lost control completely. Remember, she needs parents not friends. The grades are the kicker. She needs to be grounded until there is some obvious improvement. And I mean REAL grounding. (No phone, no stereo, etc)
When I was 14 I was grounded, and I know this probably sounds harsh, but I wasn't even allowed to go in my room until it was time to go to bed. I had to sit on the couch with my dad and step mom from the time I got home from school until bedtime. All I did was homework, dinner, bed. It SUCKED. But man oh man did I do a 180. And looking back, now that I'm older, those few months (yes..it was like that for a few MONTHS) did me a lot of good. Not only did I learn my lesson but I was talking to them more, so the communication gap was slowing beginning to close. I got so used to that situation that I caught myself sticking with that routine and hanging out with them more even AFTER I was ungrounded.
Bottom line: Fix it. Don't spank her. That's weird, and most likely illegal at this point. And don't be a softy.

Answer 9

I don't think that a 15 year old girl should be spanked.
Is the an underlying reason why her behaviour has deteriorated - is she being bullied? Try talking to her when she is bahaving well instead of punishing her when she misbehaves - maybe she thinks its the only way to get your attention.

Answer 10

I think that it is definitely too old. At that age a child should be learning why they should behave a certain way, not just to avoid punishment. And please, it is definitely time for the opposite sex parent to stop spanking. That may not cross the line but it sure does bump up against it.