Even though he's dead, they still make me feel like a victim. What can I say or do to make them stop?

Question

When I was a young teenager a family member abused me & my family all expressed disbelief & made me keep quiet.
It has been over 10 years now since the abuser died, & I have successfully gotten past the abuse - and some of my family members have come around apologetically.
My problem is, my entire family, even the ones who have expressed that they believed me all along, find ways to bring up the abuser in everyday, random conversation with me.
He has been dead for over 10 years & he was not a significant person in my life. Yet, every time I'm talking to any of them, it never fails, they will bring up his name or just randomly relate something to him.
When they speak of him I immediately stop the conversation & let them know I don't want to hear his name anymore. It ruins every family function & holiday for me the moment someone mentions his name. I immediately remember all of the abuse & what everyone else did to me because of it.

Answer 1

Well this may be a bit "radical" but , you could sit down and write a list of all the things that may be equally painful or uncomfortable for them to hear about that happened in their life.
( you may not be able to find something as bad , but something that would be a painful memory for them)

For example let's say you know that your sister was dumped by a guy she really loved and she had a hard time getting over it.
Make a mental note of this and the next time she brings up "him", stop her (interrupt) and say "oh, did you want to talk about _____(fill in the blank) ? and when she looks and you and says"NO"
Tell her and "I don't want to talk about or hear about my painful memories either"!!!

If they don't get the "hint" then start doing the same to them ...just randomly start talking about anything you can think of that's going to make them uncomfortable.

When all else fails... Tell them that you have been victimized by this man long enough and if they can't stop bringing him up in your presence... then you'll have to leave.

Hope this helps!

***You could always be a smart *** and say as soon as you walk in the door or pick-up the phone say... ok, just so I don't get emotionally sucker punched later on...lets start this conversation with whatever it is you have to say about_____(him) today. Then we can move on to a "real" conversation.
I might just take the wind out of their sails if it's being done purposely.

Answer 2

I think that if even the mention of this person's name still evokes such a response from you, then perhaps you need to seek help so that you can move along even further. I'm so sorry that you were hurt.

Unfortunately, this abuser is/was a family member, horrible as he was, and his name will come up in conversation. You are justified in saying you don't want to talk about him, but know that his branch won't just be cut off the family tree. And you don't need to cut ties with all of your family and ignore every function.

Please seek professional help. There's plenty out there, even if you aren't insured. Try one of your local mental health clinics. You deserve to move on because it wasn't your fault.

I pray that Allah will guide you and help you to heal. Ameen.

Answer 3

You need to be able to confront them and you need support in order to do that. So I agree with your first respondent - you need a counselor for this one.

It is possible to get closure, even after someone has died. And it is possible to get to a place where you can be peaceful with your family even if they don't change.

But you need help with that. You may need to take a time out from them for a while. Or to have some strategies worked out for when you have to be with them.

A good counselor can help prepare you for the frustrating parts and can help you heal the hurt parts.

You say he's not a significant person in your life, but as long as he still gets this sort of reaction from the grave 10 years later - I think he's still playing way more important a role than he deserves. Let someone help you put him in his proper place in your life.

Which would be a small part of your past, and that's all.

Answer 4

I can relate in to you in many ways. But the one at the top is right. You won't find answers here. It come deep inside of you to forget it. Which is the hardest thing to do when family is the one that hurts you. If you would like to talk to me, you can email me. We can talk, share, and you can vent. But, I don't have the right answers for you. I can try. And maybe just venting to someone you don't know, and probably will never meet will help you out. Keep it in mind~ the doors are open anytime. :)

Answer 5

You definitely have a problem, and need some counseling to help you put it into a perspective that allows you to live at peace within yourself, even when his name is mentioned. It may be that they have noticed your reaction, and are trying to find out why you do so. Get some counseling on how to deal with this. It is not a simple problem, and there is not a quick answer for it. God bless you.

Answer 6

Apparently, neither you or the family have "gotten over it". Their sensitivity about him, and the effect on you, are expressed in these ackward situations. Be understanding, smile, and move on to another subject if you truly are beyond it. If not, then counseling may be an option, with everyone involved.

Answer 7

No you haven't gotten past it. You may tell yourself that, but you haven't. You've just successfully managed to forget about it which is not the same. The reason why they bring him up is because this person obviously meant something to them. I would suggest you getting therapy, because if after ten years you still can't stand to hear his name, you could be suffering from PTSD.

Answer 8

Wow. It just seems like you are being victimized over and over again. But I don't believe in forcing others to change themselves just because it might upset you. To me it sounds like you handle it well when his name is brought up. Your next challenge is to find a way not to let it upset you and ruin your time with your family. I can't help but feel that this is maybe their attempts of reconciling their own feelings about what he did to you. I dunno....but I applaud you, girl.

Answer 9

Even if it bothers you,act like it doesn't. Tell them: "I have gotten over him and the situation,please stop living in the past and abusing me everytime we have a conversation,the whole thing is long done and over,please stop re-playing it."

It proabbly took alot in getting over that,rejoice in knowing that it is over and theres more to life.

Answer 10

you may want to talk to a councilor/professionals who are meant to deal with what you went through. you may think that you are fine with dealing it and you just dont want to hear their name/talk about it. but they told you to keep quite. and you probably never completely expressed your feelings. you need to get them out. there is nothing you could have done, which is why should see a councilor so you can come to acceptance with that and see that they are the one that did wrong. and you shouldn't let them ruin your life even when they aren't there