If your father cheated, would you forgive him?

Question

my father cheated on my mother twice for almost their entire shaky long marriage of 30 ys, one with a family friend that lasted 15 ys.
everyone found out about 1.5yrs ago. since then it's been nothin but lawyers & divorce papers, each parent tryin to claim the most $. my mother claims he refuses to pay child support. my father claims he's willing to give w/e money is needed. both parents keep lyin about EVERYTHING. my mom threatens to disown me if i continue to talk& hav a relationship w him. "if you lie to me there will be consequences". i love them both but i dont know what is truth or lies anymore. both hav been amazing parents all my life but divorce& anger has turned them into cold, heartless, untrustworthy ppl.
i havent spoken to my father in several months. he isnt srry& doesnt think he was EVER wrong.says it was justified cuz mom treated him badly. i hate him so much but cant help remembering our happy past. was it all a lie? how do you forgive someone who's not even sorry?

i think my mom is so hurt, she feels the need hurt him back (legally). she tells me things he contradicts with evidence. she knows she's lying but justifies everything by saying he's inhumane, disgusting, sick, the devil, & i should cut this bad role model out of my life. i understand her hurt (how would YOU feel if your spouse cheated on you for 30yrs?!!) but hate the lies. at the same time, every moral value in my body tells me how wrong my dad is, and yet.. i miss him/the past & wish things could go bak. i dont know how to forgive and love him AND show how much he's hurt this family & how disgusting it IS to cheat, esp for 30yrs. also, i live w my mom and i want to be there for her. how can i betray her trust for a man im not sure even deserves my love?
everyone says "follow your heart" but my heart is confused.
to love both, i hurt my mother, who has hurt enough, and i ignore my moral values. to love one, i hurt my father, who may/may not deserve the hurt, and i ignore my heart.

Answer 1

Its a tough situation you are in and im sorry!!

Your mum is wrong for seperating you from your dad no matter what he did.

Whether he is sorry or not is irrelevant to how you feel about him.

He is and always will be your father and no matter how much they both may not like each other right now you should not be placed in the middle. You love your mum and your dad and that shouldnt change. Dont let your parents problems become yours.

They were old enough to know what they got themselves into and old enough to deal with the consequences.

YOu still be the child you have always been and let them deal with their issues.

I wish you the best!!

If you need to chat more - e-mail me at : [e-mail]

Answer 2

I'm sorry to hear of your saddening situation. Even though your father has made some bad choices, he is your father. He has not directly hurt you, but you do indeed suffer the actions of his bad behavior. Start off by having a heart to heart in-depth conversation with him. Tell him how upset you are due to his actions and go from there. Maybe after your talk with him you will feel more at ease with the situation at hand. Maybe in time you can forgive him and continue the relationship. But on the other hand, maybe you will just need some more time to forgive and trust him again. Don't cut him out of your life just yet. I know that your mother is devasted, but talking with you and giving you the details isn't right. You should not be put in the middle of the situation and no matter how hurt she is, she should not make you feel that you have to choose sides. Next time she talks with you about the situation, I would tell her that you don't need to hear about any more. I hope you get it all figured out. I won't happen right away, just give it time and you'll have the answers you need.

Answer 3

I undestand that you may feel betrayed too and love your mother.I will say you have the right to be angry but no matter what you will still have to forgive even if you chose not to have a relationship with your father. All you can really do is to keep being yourself and make sure that you do not become a cheater or tolerate a cheating partner.

Answer 4

I'd like to tell you its easy to forget and forgive but sometimes theres no way to do so. Especially after they do things that are cold and wrong. I think you need to sit down and speak to both of your parents seperately and tell them you want the truth, no more bs. Tell them how you feel, how they're acting and be honest no matter how hurtful, because they're defentally not trying to hurt you. Once you get, or hopefully get what you think is the truth sit back and really think out what YOU want to do, and NOT what they want.

Both your parents are wrong in their behavour towards one another and especially asking you to pick sides and the lieing. You're parents are extremely stressed, hurt, and it sounds very unstable.

I grew up with a lieing, cheating, drug addict, and creep of a father. Which a lot of what you're going threw I went threw. The constant lieing fighting he said she said bs. For years I endured his abuse because I wanted to believe he could one day be a decent father and I would miss him. One day when I was 15 I realized it was useless he'd never be and I cut all ties from him and haven't looked back and I have to say I've never been happier.

A good dose of therapy might help! Good luck!!

Answer 5

Honestly...that fight is between your dad and your mom. You're gonna have to take yourself out of it. You do have the right to be upset and angry. Forgiveness is not just for him. It's for you too. Nobody is worth your being angry and unforgiving. What you think about is what you bring about and you don't want all the negativity that comes with unforgiveness. This dosen't mean you gotta cozy up to the man or call and/or meet with him once a week. But anger is not something that you want to hold in your heart. The cheater dosen't deserve that energy and you certainly don't either.

Answer 6

No matter how wrong is he, the fact is he is still your dad. At this point of time, basically, your mom has too much rage on your dad until she says she want to disown you if you talk to your dad. Perhaps you should think of staying away for a while, let them sort things out on your own. A happy marriage is both party responsibilities.

Answer 7

No, probably not, but I'd still love him. The fact that your father says he will give money when needed, but not child support is a tactic some people use to "control" their exes. Your mom needs to go to court and MAKE him pay. YOU DESERVE TO BE SUPPORTED BY HIM...not when he thinks you need it but EVERY DAY.

All cheaters justify. You have to love him because he's your dad, but don't be an enabler for his bad behavior. Tell both of your parents that you don't want to hear them talk negatively about the other one. They are adults and you are the child. THEY need to work it out.

Answer 8

I think you should try and talk to him about how this has made you feel. Ultimately he's betrayed your mother, and you're right to feel angry and betrayed on her behalf, but at the same time, he is your father and family is important. Tell him everything you've written here and try and get him to understand. If it doesn't work and you're still angry after that, then maybe you think consider cutting off communication with him for a while, at least until you feel different.

Answer 9

Once a cheat always a cheat... The key work here is YOUR PARENTS RELATIONSHIP....let your mom know I know you don't love him...But he is still my dad... you can not expect me to take side.. hum mm look how she is treating you...can you actually blame him....as you get older you will see the true colors...the abuse your dad went threw.. now he is not around...now its your turn...moms sound shallow and insecure and bi-polar... Tell her she needs some serious help.. and stop putting you in the middle of the fight...Its not your job to forgive... yes he cheated on your MOM... you found out...he wanted something better by the sounds of it can you blame him...

Answer 10

I bet youre in a pretty confusing situation. But I think you should still talk to both parents, since you say you love them both. Its not your fault that your dad didnt want to stay with your mom. so i dont think your mom should disown you. but just keep it on the down-low if you do talk to your dad while with your mom.