Why does my 17 year old son think it's okay to smoke pot in the house?

Question

Not only that, but he has a job, and has no money for gas so I have to buy his gas so he can get to school,(there is no bussing to his school thats an hour round trip) but he has stashes of weed all over? He will be 18 in just a few days and I feel like such a failure! He was smoking in the house last night, left roaches and rolling papers laying around, he knows I am NOT okay with this, and I threw what I found away this morning, so he gets mad at me for throwing the stuff away? I don't know what to do anymore. I truly feel like a failure as a parent and with him being 18 in a few days, it's about out of my hands. Is there any way to get through to him?

What are you talking about payoff? I do not allow this, I never have, I have called the police on him, I have filed unruly charges on him, I am NOT okay with his behavior, I am saying I don't know what to do anymore and I am running out of time! I never said I was okay with any of this!

Hmmm, the military is not something I had considered before, but it's something to look into. Thanks.

Answer 1

If he has a job, why does he have no money for gas?? Where is his money going, to pot? If so, unfortunately, you are enabling him by providing gas money for him. I understand he has to get to school but if you want to show him you are serious, you may have to quit giving him money and rearrange your life to drive him to school if he won't use his own money for gas. Same thing with the pot smoking. How are you making it possible for him to get away with it, even if you are not happy about it?

If he is going to be 18 soon, use that as YOUR cutoff, don't let it be his chance to tell you you can't tell him what to do. You can say, you're an adult, so no more help from me in these areas, including getting to school, getting to work, whatever. And as adults, you can make a contract about what you will agree to his doing, while he lives in your house, and let him know he will have to leave if he does not respect the agreement.

Don't beat yourself up over the situation but look for the ways you can take positive action to let him know 1) what you REALLY will and won't tolerate (and back it up!) and 2) his responsibilities (and don't step in if he doesn't do it himself). Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

there is nothing you can do right now. In a few weeks or months, when you feel everything cooled down, invite him over for lunch or something. Just the two of you. and quietly explain why you didn't want him doing any sort of drugs. Mostly bring up his father's death, if you don't mind guilting him. But I've been through sorta the opposite. A cop who hated me, because my family bought a house out from underneath him, said he found heroin in my car when I was coming home from school. Even though I wasn't charged my parents told me to leave the house. Before my graduation though we reconciled, so there is hope, just give him some time.

Answer 3

He thinks it's okay because he gets away with it. Tell him he makes money to buy gas, not drugs, and he can start paying for his own gas or find another ride to school. Tell him he can either follow the rules or find his own place to live. What he is doing is illegal and God forbid someone should find out and report him and you for possession of drugs!!! I know this seems harsh, and I don't feel you are a failure, but you have to lay down the law and stick to it! The worst that can happen is he will have to repeat school again if he can't get there or you will have to take him to school and drop him off at the time of day YOUR schedule allows it. It's your house and your rules! You have to mean what you say and stick to it. He will be mad at first but as an adult at 18, he can get into a lot more trouble if he gets caught and if you don't put a stop to it. He might not seem like he is going to have respect for you now when you lay down the law but he will eventually as a more mature adult. You may have to accept that he won't like you for awhile but you are doing the right thing by putting a stop to it. It's going to be better in the long run. You have to stop worrying about him getting upset and getting mad at you and force him to be responsible.

Answer 4

Now your son is big and its time for him to grow up and start having the natural consequences of his choices.

You are a good parent... but he doesn't need a parent anymore. What he needs is an equal.

If you gave a friend a room to stay in, you would expect that friend to respect your wishes and to be grateful to you for giving them somewhere to live. Respond to him as if he were a disrespectful friend.

You will have to find a new identity... don't think of yourself as a parent anymore. Your son will choose his own way, and get his own consequences. That's life, and that's not your fault.

My little bro was addicted to marijuana and tobacco for a long time, and lived on the streets, never had any money (still doesn't... he's 26 now.). But he has cleaned himself up now. The experiences gave him a lot of valuable perspective.

He eventually cleaned himself up when he was sick of himself... he went to a Buddhist retreat, became a vegetarian and got off the drugs. Now he is studying environmental science at university and he is a very philanthropic guy (that's why he has no money, lol).

There is still hope for your son's future, but he will have to learn the hard way if he won't listen to you.

Answer 5

Uhhh isnt smoking pot illegal? Have you thought at all about contacting the authorities? You are simply enabling him to be a pot head loser with this behavior. Start acting like a parent and take control of the situation.

Take it from a 30 Y.O that had a mom that was similar to you, I just got involved in more and more drugs. Gangs stealling the works. The U.S Army is all that saved me. My mom would give me money, She thought she was helping but she wasnt.

Stop enabling and start parenting!

Answer 6

Now he is an adolescent and this is the age he will like to taste new things, experience new habits and love etc. He will be a grown up man in a couple of years and he should now what he is doing is not correct and not like by you. If you ask him to stop smoking or not to do something he will be more eager to do it and continue. So do not tell anything and you have to treat him psychologically. If any elders in your house smoke he should stop it. Only thing you please watch his friends. Please introduce new friends with good habits and in their company he may become alright. In fact this can be achieved through the girl friends (Lover or just a friend) as boys are in the habit of listening to girls of their age. Please try discreetly and he will be alright. Do not worry.-

Answer 7

Yes. Tell him to save his next two pay checks and then you find him an apartment he can afford. Since he is about to be 18 & cannot abide by your rules--let him see his way out of your house and into his own. That way he can do whatever he pleases and run his own life. Tough love honey.....let him know its either MY way or the HIGHWAY. Force him to repsect you and take responsibility for his self!!!

Answer 8

Sorry about that,you must really feel bad about it,and yeah maybe you fail for how he become and how he will be on the future.But now that he's coming 18,that you had to give him a big tap on his head and tell him what he is supposed to do in his life,your house your rules!or get out!

Answer 9

You are right to be worried. Uncontrolled drug or alcohol use can wreck lives and I speak from personal experience.

My brother continued his drinking and drug use from the age of about 15 to his mid 20's (about 10 years!!!) despite my families disapproval, but WITHOUT their intervention (not even I butted my way in). He didn't start sobering up until after he hit someone while driving. He could have killed her, and it was not the first time he had totalled a car and had run-ins with the law. He treated many people rather badly for a very long time. Then, just as he was pulling his life together, he was diagnosed with Leukemia and died 18 months later, right before his 30th birthday.

My point is that you never know how long you've got with anyone. If I and my family had intervened sooner, would we have had more and better time with him? Maybe and maybe not. He might have had to go through it all anyway, but we'll never know.

You are NOT A FAILURE AS A PARENT. You have a chance RIGHT NOW to have a VASTLY different story than mine. You must act with firm resolve. It will not be easy, and it will not be fun. It might save your son's life, remind yourself of that everyday and stand fast!

Here is what I suggest...

First, stop buying his gas.
He can get pot, he can get gas money.
He won't be able to get to school, you say?
Too bad.
He might flunk out, you say?
Well that's a consequence of choosing pot over a responsible role in life, and right now he needs some real life consequences.

Second, you say you are not ok with him smoking pot in your house. Please act on this. Please remember that it is YOUR house, so you make the rules. Decide on definite ground rules for his behavior as a budding adult, for example you could use the following, and I suggest that you do:

1. provide your own gas to get to school.
2. do not use illict substances or otherwise break the law in my house.
3. assist in other ways with house up-keep (or whatever else floats your boat).

Inform him, point blank, as to the consequences of not abiding by these rules.

1. as of (choose a date) I will not pay for your gas and I will not drive you to school. (his car breaking down could be an exception)
2. if I find you are breaking the law in my house I will call the police (I will explain why this is important in a moment)
3. you will help him find another place to live if he will not help in maintaince of his current residence (I will explain this as well)

Number 1 is meant to give him a mild real life consequence.

Number 2 is necessary because if someone reports that drugs are being used or sold in YOUR HOUSE, YOU are responsible as much as he is regardless of his age!! More and more parents are being prosecuted for allowing illegal activities to take place in their homes with or without their knowledge. (this very nearly happened to my father)

Remove morality from this issue and make it about the consequences placed on these actions by society. You personally may not like what he's doing, but if you don't really think smoking pot is that bad in general he will use that against you, and all that's beside the point. You really can get into serious legal trouble because of his actions, and if he won't keep you, and the house, safe from this, you MUST.

Number 3 could give you an opportunity to really show him what it costs to live on his own. Not many kids really know how much money they need to live like they might want to.

Do an apartment search with him, even visit some complexes or houses WITH HIM. Would he want to live in what he can currently afford?? I think that's unlikely.

Help him price out what he would want to spend, and even what on (do NOT judge here, your opinion isn't the point). He'll need health insurance, he'll need car insurance and maintainence, groceries, nights out at the movies, include money for weed to really bring the point home, etc...

Would he be able to keep going on what he can earn now? Probably not. Would he keep out of jail if you weren't covering up for him? Unlikely again. Point this out to him, tell him you love him, but aren't going to risk fines and jail for him and that this all will end or you will end it.

Blessings to you, and the best of luck...I will gladly communicate with you further in email if you wish.

Answer 10

"Why does my 17 year old son think it's okay to smoke pot in the house?" Because you DO allow it. If you didn't allow it you would have him arrested and not bail him out of jail. Obviously you've made his bail for him IF you have indeed called the police on him.