I'm expecting my 1st child soon but my hus is so "involved" with his son from his 1st marriage?

Question

hes not as thrilled as i am.He has joint custody and sees his son 50%.I have asked him to go with me to my ob appts. but hes allways "too busy" at work but will drop everything to help his ex if she can't take thier son to the dr. or dentist.He allways goes to ALL his sons games/school activites whenever they are and helps out.I have to plan anything i want him to do(our baby stuff) around his schedule.now some of this maybe from the guilt over the divorce(over 6 yr ago) but i was told by many he was very involved with his 1st child before the divorce(went to ALL the ob appts.,talked about it all the time,went screaming thru the hospital "I HAVE A SON" ect)Now i love my stepson very much and i just wished my husband showed as much excitment about our baby as he did/does to his 1st son.I have talked to him about it but he gets defensive and denies it but actions speak louder than words.Is this just normal because the 1st child is allways the favorite?

Answer 1

It is a little different with your second child. My husband was much more excited when we had our first. He went to every appointment and was really involved in everything having to do with the baby. With our second he wasn't as interested during the pregnancy. I'm sure when the baby is here your husband will be very excited and of course be completely in love with the baby. But don't be too surprised if he still is more involved with his son. Newborns can't really interact too much and he may not bond right away.He also may not want his son to get jealous of the new baby and end up paying more attention to him for this reason. He probably will feel a little closer to his first born at first because they have been bonding for years. I don't think that his son will always be his favorite. He will eventually bond with the new baby. Especially since he will have full custody of this baby. Don't give up on him just yet.

Answer 2

To be honest, did you see him do all of these things before you were married. If his actions were like this before you decided to get married, then you really should stop bugging him about it. I honestly don't think that its residual guilt from the divorce, just the fact that he loves his son. Also, are you giving him a fair shot when being a father to your baby? Or are you just picking on him when you feel like hes not giving you enough attention? He may get defensive and deny it because he can't handle the way you make things sound. You make it sound like he is a bad husband to you in general by not being there when you have OB appointments. However, if his actions continue after the baby is born and he only dotes on his first and not his second, then you have a major problem. What was the reason for the divorce anyways? Was it his fault? Or did it end on a good note? Think of these things and then ask yourself if he really feels guilty.

As for your question about the first born being the favorite, that is normally the case. First borns are remembered for everything, regardless of who they had the child with. It was basically their first touch at parenthood and pure unconditional love. Being a second child is actually the worse, they don't get enough attention and have too high expectaitions set forth. Just make sure to remember that this is your first and you should treat your child as such.

Answer 3

That's a tough call. First of all (and I'm sure you already know this) whatever you do, remember not to place any blame on the son...he's just a kid and this is an issue with his father, not him.

Also, remember, this is YOUR first child and his second...perhaps it's a different feeling for him since he's already been there. (Granted, he should respect the fact that this is your first child and he should be supportive about that and enthusiastic for you).

What's especially hard is that you are probably also not in the most stable emotional state due to pregnancy hormones and the nervousness and excitement at the prospect of being a parent for the first time. Your husband should really be understanding of that.

I know when I was pregnant with my son, his dad was less involved in the pregnancy and it was our first child. He even embarrassed me in our birthing techniques class by making inappropriate, immature jokes.

Also remember, the stories that you're hearing from family aren't coming from the horse's mouth. I'm sure he was involved with the first pregnancy, but I'm also sure there were plenty of times when his ex-wife wanted to rip his eyebrows out for not being understanding or sympathetic to her needs. I think that's just how it goes a lot of the time. Guys don't completely understand what it's like, and combine that with new emotions and raging hormones and there's bound to be trouble in paradise at some point.

I don't know what you can do exactly since you've already talked to him about it. If it continues after the baby is born, I would definitely consider seeking outside help from a counselor or therapist to find out what's really going on with him.

I wish you the best of luck and congratulations on your bundle of joy-to-be!

Answer 4

Tell your husband he have to stop this before the second child gets her, hell show him my posting to you, read this together, the second child is going to feel less than the first if he dont stop putting the first child first in every thing he does, its ok to miss a game, as long as he knows you are there for some of the games, sit your son down and explain to him he is not going to be the only kid you have sir, then make up a time when you can come to his games but you are rooting for him in spirit and still expect for him to do his best (remember your second child may be better or worse at sports you may not want to lean one way or the other), then let your wife know she is included with you being a parent, and lastly you go boy! your being a great dad, not too many kids have that...good for you.

Answer 5

This is your 1st child let no one put a damper on your joy continue to go to your doctors appointment without him. Every visit creates a memory a story to tell your child and grandchildren. This act of selfishness on his part becomes his lose. He's been there and done that, the thrill of a second child maybe like old news to him even though it's news it's not as exciting. Could he be harboring feelings for his ex, just because he moved on from the physical does not mean he let go of the emotional. I glad to read that he is a responsible parent but to drop everything at a minute notice for his ex-wife while asking you to rearrange your schedule to make it more convenient for him is inconsiderate. I think there's a fox in your hen house. There is a saying (keep your friends close and your enemies closer).

Answer 6

I think that if you talked to a lot of women who've had more than 1 child with the same man they'll tell you that its not the same experience the second time around--for either parent. We left the hopital with over 4 rolls of pictures with our first baby, the second didn't even have the equivalent of 1 roll (digital now). The two of you are on different levels on this one. Its your first, so of course you're full of first time mommy joys, excietements, and fears. This is second time around for him so he already knows that doc appointments aren't all that exciting or eventful except for the ones that involve an ultrasound. With the first its all new.

Answer 7

At least you know he'll be a really great dad. It's the price you pay if they have kids with someone else. My friend is the same way, but he is always there for both of them so she can't really complain. What happens if you have another kid will you expect him to be like with that pregnancy? I'm sure he'll be really excited when the baby arrives, that's just how guys are they don't see it as such a big deal as the woman does.

Answer 8

I wouldn't say "favorite". It's more like there's nothing like the 1st child -- 1st love -- 1st time --1st realization that you have helped create another human being. It's an awesome feeling.

You wrote "...hes not as thrilled as i am."
That's that 1st time love that you feel......which he feels for his son.
If he's a good father, he'll love the second a great deal too.Just as you would love your second should you happen to have another.
He's just already gone through the "thrill" of all his "1st" time feelings of having a child. He's experienced.
Don't pressure him. Just wait and see what happens as time goes. When that baby is born -- his love will show.

Answer 9

I went through the exact same thing with my ex husband. I know how aggravating it is and feel for you. I really do. He was always involved in everything with his son from previous relationship and not once went to doctor appointments with me or even would feel our baby moving around in my belly. But now, 7 years later, he is very involved in our sons life and loves him very much. Hang in there. This is an adjustment period for your husband too along with you. It will be fine.

Answer 10

All your answers are pretty good and on target. I have one more slant to put on the picture. Right now his first child is an only child. The father may be trying to spend a lot of time with him because his son is going to have to adjust to sharing his father with another child and the father is also going to have to get used to the new expanded relations in his life. Maybe he's trying to get in some extra last one on one special time with his "only" son before things change. Communicating with you about all his feelings at this time is needed. Plus, you need to feel supported and secure, and you need to feel that from him. He needs to understand how you feel and what you need from him. And he needs to make time for you. You are a mom NOW. You are taking care of a child already. It's time to include his son now.
Good luck, hope its of help. and congratulations!!!!!