Shouldn't he be grieving???

Question

My boyfriend lost his grandfather a month ago. He went to see him at the hospital before he died and didn't seem any different when he returned. Well, he died on the sunday morning and got a phone call early from his mother. He came back upstairs told me and went straight back to sleep. I expected him to at least talk or something! Anyway he was no different and didn't even show any emotion at the funeral. Just acted completely normally and even tried to laugh and make silly jokes! Everyone looked at him strangely. Well he has never showed any emotion since. He was fairly close to his grandfather so it's not as if he dosen't know him. His mother diagnosed with a serious illness last week and told she will not recover and there is nothing they can do. Again he is completely normal. When I ask him about it he just says well thats life people die all the time. I know men can hold in their emotions but this just seems weird. He just dosent seem bothered. Is this abnormal??

Answer 1

it'll come out later. people handle grief in different ways. he might be just trying to act "manly". let him know it's ok to cry.

Answer 2

I'm sorry to hear of your boyfriend's loss, Helen.

What really surprises me is how little people, who've marked Broken's response with a thumbs down, know about psychology.

Although s/he lists 7 stages of grief (I presume that's from American teaching as they, generally, have a tendency to break down lists into more and more items), the British teaching lists 5 stages of grief ... the first one being denial.

It may be that your boyfriend doesn't want to accept that his grandfather has died, or he may be in shock at the news ... believing that they would have more time together. He may also be going through a period of isolation where he feels that no-one else can possibly realise just how this has affected him.

Take time with him, and just be there for him when following stages develop. (The next might be anger. Anger at his grandfather leaving him. Anger, too, that his mother is seriously ill. It's a lot to take onboard, and to learn to have to deal with. He may go on to feel guilty at this anger, which will make him more angry. It seems a never-ending downward spiral, until such time as he is able to deal with it.)

The phase after that will leave your boyfriend feeling a little helpless or vulnerable. This may well be the time when he'll really 'open up' to you.

Sadly, the stage that follows can stay with a person for a long time. This is a time when depression, and your feelings of mortality, come into play.

Most people are able to deal with these stages through a variety of coping mechanisms. There are really too many ways to go into on such a forum.

Of course, not everyone will follow these stages, or not specifically in the same order. This is normal. Many people find different ways of coping, and this can be a good thing.

Finally, acceptance shows itself, though not everyone comes to arrive at this stage, unfortunately. This is the stage when people decide to accept what's happened, realising that there's little that they could have done to change earlier circumstances, and get on with life.

I'm sure with the way you appear to be thinking that you'll both come through this together. Best wishes to you both.

Answer 3

He most probably is bothered, but can't show it. The fact that he was making jokes etc, showed that he was trying to hide what he was feeling by doing the exact opposite.

Whether he will eventually open up to you, or carry on as if nothing affects him, I don't know. But it is sad to think that he isn't allowing himself to deal with loss and death.

Did he have any deaths in his family when he was young? Sometimes, grief can be too much for a young child to deal with, so they shut the emotions off and act is if nothing happened. He could still be doing this now that he is a man.

I hope you will be able to help him.

Answer 4

I talked to a friend after she just lost her mom, I was there with her for about a month after it happened, and you know what she told me: I feel pressured, everybody EXPECTS me to be sad and if I'm not. Instead of support and feeling that life will go on, and that I can go on living my life, they start accusing me. We all deal with difficulties in our own ways. Don't make things even more difficult for him. The way he's behaving, or feeling now, doesn't mean he didn't love his grandad, or that he doesn't love his mum. Maybe he's just trying to get detached from the situation. I'd be more worried about him. Grieving is a way of accepting things, and eventually letting go. He's not doing that and it might have a much longer lasting effect.

Answer 5

you're lovely for caring. some people would just see him as cold and write him off. grief's such a wierd thing and everybody deals with it differently. It will come out whether it's today, tomorrow or in sixty years time. Just carry on as normal as thats obviously what he wants, and be there for him when it hits him because when it does, he'll need you badly. you don't always show things on the outside, but inside it could be eating him up. Yet again, some people are cold. I wish I could be. But I dobt it's that. He's probably good at blocking things out, but it'll creep in eventually. You deserve a medal for caring. You're a star!! xxxx

Answer 6

Whilst some people really let the tears flow and express their grief, others process it inside. It could be that the shock hasn't really hit him yet or that he's 'trying to keep it together' because once that first tear drop falls, he's scared that it might become an unstoppable dam. Men have also been conditioned not to show emotion, and who knows, maybe when he is alone, he lets rip. I'd say, don't pressure but let him know that you are there for him, empathise and if he needs to talk, he has your ear.

Answer 7

Hes grieving in his own way. I know when my grandfather died I was sad but I didn't make a big deal out of it because he was sick for a very long time so I had been overly prepared for so long I was able to see thing in a rational way. If he needs you, be there, if not, thats fine.

Answer 8

Your friend has recently been given a lot to deal with. The death of his grandfather and his mother's illness. He could very well be numb. Sometimes when you need to get through something, you are numb. This helps to make proper arrangements and to deal with it. Being male, he probably isn't comfortable with crying either. He's probably trying to be strong for his family. Please just be there for him. Maybe suggest for him to keep a journal of some kind. He must have some kind of outlet whether it be sports, drawing, reading, gaming... anything. Just help him find some kind of outlet.

Answer 9

This is his way of grieving by the sound of it. It seems he wants to bottle it up from everyone else and think it out in his mind. Everyone has a different way of grievingsome cry, others talk about it, others will use violence, and some will use scilence and carry on as if it hasnt happened.

He sounds like me carrying on as if it hasnt happened. He may finally come to talk to you about it but please dont be worried if he doesnt. It is just natural.

Answer 10

Maybe he does his grieving in private, or the impact of recent events hasn't hit hime yet. Give him time, make him aware that you will listen if he wants to talk. Everyone deals with grief differently, no, he isn't abnormal.

Answer 11

maybe it is just his way of coping. Some people dont like to show emotion because they are afraid of looking weak, just give him time, if he wants to show emotion he will, just be careful in case he keeps it all in and eventually has a breakdown.